hi everyone...
just a quick note... i am moving my blog to wordpress.... i hope you will like my blog's new home and sign up for an email subscription.... or add it to your rss feed....
without further ado... here is my new blog!
let me know what you think! :)
Friday, June 17, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
Shout Out (Praise Post)
i have a lot to praise God for:
a wonderful husband
a great job
the opportunity to study and fulfill my dream of being a teacher
my house
my family
my friends
and
much
much more
however, at the moment, i have nothing ttc related to praise about (besides af arriving without the need for meds)...
but... there has been a great deal of good news for my tweeps lately...so i want to dedicate this post to them and their success, and i want them to know that i'm rooting and praying for them and their growing miracles!!
first is one of the first ttc tweeps i began following on twitter... she's been a great source of support and encouragement. and she's introduced me to many fun canadian tweeps... please go and check out Andrea's blog : Tales From A Locked Womb.
the next is one my favorite ttc bloggers - i discovered her blog and read it from beginning to present in the span of a couple of days... she's witty and always has me lol'ing! check out Elphaba's blog- Yolk: A blog about eggs and sperm.
then there are a couple of other great bloggers who have been around the block and back in their efforts ttc... Jay @ The 2 Week Wait (who hasn't even blogged about her good news yet bec it's so new!! SO excited for her...she is super funny too...look for her post about IF greeting cards)...and last but def. not least, Laura who blogs with Jen @ A Little Barefoot.
yes, there is always a twinge of jealousy when others get their bfp's... but i can say without a doubt that i am truly and passionately happy and excited for these ladies, because i know that they have each been through a lot and deserve this, and will appreciate it, as much as i will when it is my turn. all of this good news also renews my hope....
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
And - round one goes to....
.... i don't know who, but definitely not me.
CD3
taking the clo.mid really got my hopes up... even the hot flushes were bearable because, let's face it - anything is bearable if it will get me pregnant at this point.
so, i spent the month tracking my temperature, examining my saliva, using OPK's (if you're a new follower - there is a list of TTC acronyms conveniently located on the right hand side of my blog for reference), and attempting to track CM.
i used OPK's from cycle day 6 all the way through cycle day 22/23... and some days I tested twice - for fear of missing ovulation... lo and behold - all negative...
i'm beginning to feel like the positive ovulation test has become as elusive as a positive pregnancy test.
it was the first time i tracked my temperature, so i had nothing to compare it to, but i did not detect a rise in temperature that lasted three or four days - which is generally the rule of thumb for detecting that ovulation has occurred. I also only detected slight ferning with my saliva scope, but nothing to indicate ovulation.
so - even with the 50mg of clo.mid, my body is not cooperating and not ovulating...
HOWEVER ---
there is a mild "bright side" to this past cycle - AF arrived all on her own, without being medically induced with progesterone pills...AND, on cycle day 28!! (which has been my shortest cycle in months! before starting the clo.mid my cycles were 40+ days long)
okay, she did arrived in the middle of a wedding reception, however - it was a bittersweet "homecoming"...
i'm hoping that it is a good sign ... that my body is getting back on track...
so, last night i started round two of clo.mid... still on 50mg, but we're hoping that because AF arrived on her own, that this small act of compliance is a sign that my body is ready to cooperate!
CD3
taking the clo.mid really got my hopes up... even the hot flushes were bearable because, let's face it - anything is bearable if it will get me pregnant at this point.
so, i spent the month tracking my temperature, examining my saliva, using OPK's (if you're a new follower - there is a list of TTC acronyms conveniently located on the right hand side of my blog for reference), and attempting to track CM.
i used OPK's from cycle day 6 all the way through cycle day 22/23... and some days I tested twice - for fear of missing ovulation... lo and behold - all negative...
i'm beginning to feel like the positive ovulation test has become as elusive as a positive pregnancy test.
it was the first time i tracked my temperature, so i had nothing to compare it to, but i did not detect a rise in temperature that lasted three or four days - which is generally the rule of thumb for detecting that ovulation has occurred. I also only detected slight ferning with my saliva scope, but nothing to indicate ovulation.
so - even with the 50mg of clo.mid, my body is not cooperating and not ovulating...
HOWEVER ---
there is a mild "bright side" to this past cycle - AF arrived all on her own, without being medically induced with progesterone pills...AND, on cycle day 28!! (which has been my shortest cycle in months! before starting the clo.mid my cycles were 40+ days long)
okay, she did arrived in the middle of a wedding reception, however - it was a bittersweet "homecoming"...
i'm hoping that it is a good sign ... that my body is getting back on track...
so, last night i started round two of clo.mid... still on 50mg, but we're hoping that because AF arrived on her own, that this small act of compliance is a sign that my body is ready to cooperate!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Our Next Step
CD4
okay...now that i've gotten that vent post out of my system, i figure it's time to fill you in on where we are at right now...
a friend of mine gave me some material to read, from when she was studying -- it was an article about barren women in the Bible... it was really interesting and talks about how the male heroes in the bible were often conceived by barren women who went through similar journeys to conception.
the most important aspect of this article to me, was the fact that every one of these women took action -- they did not just sit back and say "God will take care of it"... they did petition God and get upset and plead and asked Him to remember them and bless them, etc... but they also took action and fought to have children. Many of them used surrogates (their maidservants)... and one in particular even tried mandrakes (which was considered medicinal in those days)...
so.. this helped me to decide that i can not just sit back and do nothing anymore... i need to take action -- my fear of disappointing God, or making the wrong choice is causing me to not act at all... and after reading the article, i feel that this is not the wrong choice anymore... and the worst case scenario is that i am making a mistake and perhaps this is not what God wants for me - but i know that God will make it right anyway, he will work it out for His glory... and He's not going to stop loving me if i make a mistake - my past has proven this - He is faithful!!
so... i called my obgyn on monday and she sent the prescription through, and i began clo.mid yesterday (on CD3)... 50mg for 5 days for two cycles (hopefully i'll only need it for one)... and then 100mg for another cycle... (again...hopefully we won't get to the third cycle)....
i have also decided that if we do get to that third cycle - i will go and see an re.... just to take a look at my insides and make sure nothing is blocked up or in the wrong place or anything like that... if everything looks good... i may try to convince dh to get his "army" checked out.... and if everything still looks good - i think we'll try clo.mid for another couple cycles and perhaps get blood work done throughout to gain some insight too...
iui and ivf are out of the question for us - we cannot afford $10,000 per attempt....
so...although we are using medication, we are still putting our hope and trust in God... He is always in control...
i am secretly hoping for twins (because on clo.mid there is a chance of twins or triplets, because it increases ovulation).... but feel that it is a little greedy... of course, i will be overly ecstatic with just one healthy egg/follicle/embryo/baby....
i came across this video on a blog i was looking over, and it had me balling.... not even for myself, but for all those around the world struggling with infertility, multiple pregnancy losses, physically not being able to have children, etc.... it breaks my heart, because i know the pain i feel, and it cannot compare to what some women and couples are going through....
warning: if you watch the video - be sure to have tissues handy...
so - please pray for us.... i am hoping and praying that clo.mid will "do the trick"... especially since i did not ovulate (we believe) last cycle...perhaps ovulating has been the issue the whole time!?
okay...now that i've gotten that vent post out of my system, i figure it's time to fill you in on where we are at right now...
a friend of mine gave me some material to read, from when she was studying -- it was an article about barren women in the Bible... it was really interesting and talks about how the male heroes in the bible were often conceived by barren women who went through similar journeys to conception.
the most important aspect of this article to me, was the fact that every one of these women took action -- they did not just sit back and say "God will take care of it"... they did petition God and get upset and plead and asked Him to remember them and bless them, etc... but they also took action and fought to have children. Many of them used surrogates (their maidservants)... and one in particular even tried mandrakes (which was considered medicinal in those days)...
so.. this helped me to decide that i can not just sit back and do nothing anymore... i need to take action -- my fear of disappointing God, or making the wrong choice is causing me to not act at all... and after reading the article, i feel that this is not the wrong choice anymore... and the worst case scenario is that i am making a mistake and perhaps this is not what God wants for me - but i know that God will make it right anyway, he will work it out for His glory... and He's not going to stop loving me if i make a mistake - my past has proven this - He is faithful!!
so... i called my obgyn on monday and she sent the prescription through, and i began clo.mid yesterday (on CD3)... 50mg for 5 days for two cycles (hopefully i'll only need it for one)... and then 100mg for another cycle... (again...hopefully we won't get to the third cycle)....
i have also decided that if we do get to that third cycle - i will go and see an re.... just to take a look at my insides and make sure nothing is blocked up or in the wrong place or anything like that... if everything looks good... i may try to convince dh to get his "army" checked out.... and if everything still looks good - i think we'll try clo.mid for another couple cycles and perhaps get blood work done throughout to gain some insight too...
iui and ivf are out of the question for us - we cannot afford $10,000 per attempt....
so...although we are using medication, we are still putting our hope and trust in God... He is always in control...
i am secretly hoping for twins (because on clo.mid there is a chance of twins or triplets, because it increases ovulation).... but feel that it is a little greedy... of course, i will be overly ecstatic with just one healthy egg/follicle/embryo/baby....
i came across this video on a blog i was looking over, and it had me balling.... not even for myself, but for all those around the world struggling with infertility, multiple pregnancy losses, physically not being able to have children, etc.... it breaks my heart, because i know the pain i feel, and it cannot compare to what some women and couples are going through....
warning: if you watch the video - be sure to have tissues handy...
so - please pray for us.... i am hoping and praying that clo.mid will "do the trick"... especially since i did not ovulate (we believe) last cycle...perhaps ovulating has been the issue the whole time!?
Monday, May 9, 2011
It is not obsession by choice...
okay, so the other day i was talking to dh about the silly things people say in regard to our difficult journey ttc... and he said something that at first really hurt my feelings, but when i understood what he was actually saying... i had a moment of clarity.
when i talk to people about our struggles, in their eyes - it may seem that i am obsessing about everything... because, yes, there are a few people who know about our struggles, and when i talk to them, i don't ever have any news, besides what's happening with me in regard to how i'm feeling at that moment about my journey...
so - for those of you who are not having trouble ttc or have never had trouble ttc...let me share a little glimpse into my life - and how this journey affects me every single day... so that hopefully you'll get a better idea of why it may seem that i am obsessing, when in fact it is just a very prominent part of my life - not by choice...because believe me (and i think i speak for most of those ttc for 2+ years) if i could ignore it or "relax" (as so many people ignorantly suggest) i would...
everyday my alarm wakes me up at 6am - saturdays and sundays included - so that i can take my bbt... i have to turn my alarm off and turn on my thermometer with as little movement as possible and take my temperature (in order for it to accurately take my bbt - i need to be very relaxed and essentially still half asleep).... then i have to wake up enough to read the thermometer and record the temperature. i do this in the hopes that my bbt chart will give me some insight into when i am ovulating, so that i can ensure that dh and i bd at the right time.
once i've taken my temperature, i use my finger to swab some saliva from under my tongue and spread it onto my ovulation scope (which is a tiny microscope) and let it dry for 5 - 10 minutes, at which time i can look into the scope and determine what pattern my dried saliva is making. if it looks like a fern - then i am most likely getting ready to ovulate. you may think - well, aren't you taking you charting your bbt to determine when you're ovulating...? well - yes i am, but this works best when you have other methods for detection to help "back up" your chart.
once i actually officially wake up, i get ready for work, or for the day. i will have a cup of coffee - i can't do this without considering the fact that we are ttc - because i shouldn't really be having coffee at all, but if i do, i only have one small cup and then i have to make sure that i do not have any other caffeine during the day. i am also trying to lower my sugar intake - so i am now having less sugar in my coffee- because i read that high level of sugars can contribute to PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome)...and this may or may not be true - but i'll do whatever it takes to increase my odds - also, it'd just be in my best interest to lower my sugar intake - to be healthier...
at the end of the day, i like to take a really hot shower... i have always loved hot showers - better yet, a nice long soak in a hot bath tub... however, after ovulation... during the 2ww when i may be pregnant...i cannot have a hot bath or a hot shower - because this can raise your body temperature too much and this is dangerous for pregnant women. so, due to the fact that ovulation is such a tricky thing to pin-point....i try to refrain from hot showers all together... so, every time i take a shower, i am reminded that i have to be very careful of how hot i make the water, and if i indulge in some hot water, i need to be very careful of how long i do so for.
this brings me to a very important point --- what most people don't understand, is that when you are ttc... for at least 2 weeks of every month, you have to live like you're pregnant, because you just may be -- and for many women ttc.... it's easier to live that way all month (except perhaps during the time af is here... because that is a time when you know you're definitely not pregnant).
so - that means being careful of what you eat -- on top of not being able to eat things that pregnant women can't eat...you also need to consider what is, and is not, healthy to eat when you're trying to get pregnant. so - no soft cheeses or dairy that is unpasteurized (such as feta, brie, and blue cheese) , no fishy fish (or fish/seafood high in mercury), no alcohol, avoid hot dogs, avoid lunch meat, and of course - no caffeine (which i'm still working on).
this of course means that every time i am faced with a choice of what to eat, i need to consider all these things....
then of course - i take a prenatal multi-vitamin... because many of the vitamins one needs during pregnancy, help with fertility and also - because i never know when i will in fact get pregnant, i want to ensure i am getting all the vitamins i need for a healthy pregnancy ---- just in case.
i'm not going to go into details about how bd needs to be timed just right during my cycle ... and also - needs to occur as often as possible prior to and during ovulation... so there is no (or very little) spontaneous and romantic bd'ing happening... and because everything is "scheduled" it has to be thought about and discussed... it's not something one can just "relax" and forget about.... contrary to popular belief... you cannot get pregnant at just any time of the month... there is a somewhat small window of opportunity in which one can fall pregnant.... and when you've been trying for over a year... you are going to do whatever you can to increase your chances of conceiving - even if that means standing on your head after db'ing (which is actually not helpful -- but elevating one's legs and putting a pillow under one's butt/hips will help those "little-guys" along...)
these are just the formalities we endure in our hopes to become pregnant - of course there is also the emotional roller-coaster ride that accompanies these... and often this is what we talk to our family and friends about -- because, although we wish it were different, nothing else in our lives really compares to what we're going through with this ongoing battle....
yes, the cat went missing and i'm heart broken, also my friend got engaged, and another friend is getting ready to get married and we've been celebrating with bridal showers etc, and yes, i am turning 25 soon, yes i am growing in my faith thanks to some wonderful women and a weekly bible study, yes, we were asked to become leaders of our church's young adults couple's group, and yes -- these things are happening and i'm more than happy to share that... but ultimately, none of it really compares to the depths of our feelings and desire to become pregnant.well - maybe it compares, but if we've told you of our struggle, it's because we want to be able to share it with you and maybe just vent a little and get some support - we don't want advice or for you to try and fix anything... we just want to know that you care and understand how difficult it is for us.
so, if we seem a little obsessive... please forgive us, but unfortunately this journey requires that you go "all-in" - emotionally and physically.
i would like to mention that all of these things that i endure every month in order to increase my chances - is nothing compared to what other women are enduring while undergoing IUI or IVF -- which includes multiple doctor visits and injecting themselves multiple times a month....
next time someone confides in you, with regard to their struggles trying to conceive, remember that it may seem easy for you to think that we are obsessing and should "just relax" - however, it is not that simple -- and we can't help that this is something we think about almost 24/7... i know that i am trying my very best to put it out of my mind during the time that i'm not eating, waking up, showering, or bd'ing.... but sometimes it's a losing battle.... i wish it were possible to "relax" and stop thinking about it for a few days!!!
when i talk to people about our struggles, in their eyes - it may seem that i am obsessing about everything... because, yes, there are a few people who know about our struggles, and when i talk to them, i don't ever have any news, besides what's happening with me in regard to how i'm feeling at that moment about my journey...
so - for those of you who are not having trouble ttc or have never had trouble ttc...let me share a little glimpse into my life - and how this journey affects me every single day... so that hopefully you'll get a better idea of why it may seem that i am obsessing, when in fact it is just a very prominent part of my life - not by choice...because believe me (and i think i speak for most of those ttc for 2+ years) if i could ignore it or "relax" (as so many people ignorantly suggest) i would...
everyday my alarm wakes me up at 6am - saturdays and sundays included - so that i can take my bbt... i have to turn my alarm off and turn on my thermometer with as little movement as possible and take my temperature (in order for it to accurately take my bbt - i need to be very relaxed and essentially still half asleep).... then i have to wake up enough to read the thermometer and record the temperature. i do this in the hopes that my bbt chart will give me some insight into when i am ovulating, so that i can ensure that dh and i bd at the right time.
once i've taken my temperature, i use my finger to swab some saliva from under my tongue and spread it onto my ovulation scope (which is a tiny microscope) and let it dry for 5 - 10 minutes, at which time i can look into the scope and determine what pattern my dried saliva is making. if it looks like a fern - then i am most likely getting ready to ovulate. you may think - well, aren't you taking you charting your bbt to determine when you're ovulating...? well - yes i am, but this works best when you have other methods for detection to help "back up" your chart.
once i actually officially wake up, i get ready for work, or for the day. i will have a cup of coffee - i can't do this without considering the fact that we are ttc - because i shouldn't really be having coffee at all, but if i do, i only have one small cup and then i have to make sure that i do not have any other caffeine during the day. i am also trying to lower my sugar intake - so i am now having less sugar in my coffee- because i read that high level of sugars can contribute to PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome)...and this may or may not be true - but i'll do whatever it takes to increase my odds - also, it'd just be in my best interest to lower my sugar intake - to be healthier...
at the end of the day, i like to take a really hot shower... i have always loved hot showers - better yet, a nice long soak in a hot bath tub... however, after ovulation... during the 2ww when i may be pregnant...i cannot have a hot bath or a hot shower - because this can raise your body temperature too much and this is dangerous for pregnant women. so, due to the fact that ovulation is such a tricky thing to pin-point....i try to refrain from hot showers all together... so, every time i take a shower, i am reminded that i have to be very careful of how hot i make the water, and if i indulge in some hot water, i need to be very careful of how long i do so for.
this brings me to a very important point --- what most people don't understand, is that when you are ttc... for at least 2 weeks of every month, you have to live like you're pregnant, because you just may be -- and for many women ttc.... it's easier to live that way all month (except perhaps during the time af is here... because that is a time when you know you're definitely not pregnant).
so - that means being careful of what you eat -- on top of not being able to eat things that pregnant women can't eat...you also need to consider what is, and is not, healthy to eat when you're trying to get pregnant. so - no soft cheeses or dairy that is unpasteurized (such as feta, brie, and blue cheese) , no fishy fish (or fish/seafood high in mercury), no alcohol, avoid hot dogs, avoid lunch meat, and of course - no caffeine (which i'm still working on).
this of course means that every time i am faced with a choice of what to eat, i need to consider all these things....
then of course - i take a prenatal multi-vitamin... because many of the vitamins one needs during pregnancy, help with fertility and also - because i never know when i will in fact get pregnant, i want to ensure i am getting all the vitamins i need for a healthy pregnancy ---- just in case.
i'm not going to go into details about how bd needs to be timed just right during my cycle ... and also - needs to occur as often as possible prior to and during ovulation... so there is no (or very little) spontaneous and romantic bd'ing happening... and because everything is "scheduled" it has to be thought about and discussed... it's not something one can just "relax" and forget about.... contrary to popular belief... you cannot get pregnant at just any time of the month... there is a somewhat small window of opportunity in which one can fall pregnant.... and when you've been trying for over a year... you are going to do whatever you can to increase your chances of conceiving - even if that means standing on your head after db'ing (which is actually not helpful -- but elevating one's legs and putting a pillow under one's butt/hips will help those "little-guys" along...)
these are just the formalities we endure in our hopes to become pregnant - of course there is also the emotional roller-coaster ride that accompanies these... and often this is what we talk to our family and friends about -- because, although we wish it were different, nothing else in our lives really compares to what we're going through with this ongoing battle....
yes, the cat went missing and i'm heart broken, also my friend got engaged, and another friend is getting ready to get married and we've been celebrating with bridal showers etc, and yes, i am turning 25 soon, yes i am growing in my faith thanks to some wonderful women and a weekly bible study, yes, we were asked to become leaders of our church's young adults couple's group, and yes -- these things are happening and i'm more than happy to share that... but ultimately, none of it really compares to the depths of our feelings and desire to become pregnant.well - maybe it compares, but if we've told you of our struggle, it's because we want to be able to share it with you and maybe just vent a little and get some support - we don't want advice or for you to try and fix anything... we just want to know that you care and understand how difficult it is for us.
so, if we seem a little obsessive... please forgive us, but unfortunately this journey requires that you go "all-in" - emotionally and physically.
i would like to mention that all of these things that i endure every month in order to increase my chances - is nothing compared to what other women are enduring while undergoing IUI or IVF -- which includes multiple doctor visits and injecting themselves multiple times a month....
next time someone confides in you, with regard to their struggles trying to conceive, remember that it may seem easy for you to think that we are obsessing and should "just relax" - however, it is not that simple -- and we can't help that this is something we think about almost 24/7... i know that i am trying my very best to put it out of my mind during the time that i'm not eating, waking up, showering, or bd'ing.... but sometimes it's a losing battle.... i wish it were possible to "relax" and stop thinking about it for a few days!!!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Seeing my doctor
last week was really weird for me - looking back, i feel like i was on auto-pilot the whole time! i had three social "outings" - a ladies bible study, a trip with a friend to get ice-cream, and a bridal shower... but i couldn't quite participate at 100%... and i left all three of them feeling kinda empty... except the bible study, although i wasn't really participating, i did tell them about my current cycle debacle, and a few of the girls offered to go with me to the doctor to help me stand up for myself and not feel bullied - which i appreciated so much i can't even begin to explain!
anyways - because i was feeling bloated, sensitive around the lower abdomen, like there was too much pressure there, and then some weird stomach/chest cramps/pains... i decided to just go to the doctor. finally on wednesday i decided to just go to my regular ob-gyn, since it was time for my yearly anyways... so i called and made an appointment for friday.
when i arrived, i felt great... there was no one in the waiting room besides me, so no pregnant bellies toresent deal with... then the nurse called me back to weigh me, etc....
i am not even sure if i want to take the provera - since this is my first time missing a period.... is it really necessary? yes - this would have been a great question for my doctor, if i wasn't such chicken sh**.
(i also realize that i need to start being more assertive... )
also - i've been getting positive opk's... and yes - pcos can cause false positive opk's... but, there is no real "proof" that i am not ovulating... one missed period does not a non-ovulating woman make....
so - what i'm going to do is find an re and figure out what is going on. i just want to rule out pcos and endometriosis, etc. because i know there are blood tests that can be done to figure out what is happening and of course scans and the such... i am no ready to be completely poked and prodded... but i am ready to find out if i am ovulating or not, and if there is something silly and basic (such as cyst) prohibiting us from getting pregnant...
i'm still trying to decide whether or not to take the provera...
oh - and i'm trying to use other ways to determine if i am ovulating or not, and when...
i am finally charting my basal body temperature (bbt)... and i bought a ovulation scope - which uses saliva to determine if you're ovulating or not - based on the pattern the saliva forms when dried.. if it looks like ferns, you're ovulating.... (dont judge me - it was cheaper than the fertility monitor and doesnt require any test sticks...so we figured it was worth a shot)
i will explain what both of these methods entail in another post soon.... along with a rant/vent about how people perceive those of us who have to struggle to get pregnant!!
EDIT:
just got my blood work back - not pregnant...no surprise there, so why am i crying?
guess i've got 3 hours to decide whether i'm taking the provera or not...
anyways - because i was feeling bloated, sensitive around the lower abdomen, like there was too much pressure there, and then some weird stomach/chest cramps/pains... i decided to just go to the doctor. finally on wednesday i decided to just go to my regular ob-gyn, since it was time for my yearly anyways... so i called and made an appointment for friday.
when i arrived, i felt great... there was no one in the waiting room besides me, so no pregnant bellies to
- i could someone's baby's heartbeat through the wall/door next to the scale
- the nurse was asking me all the usual questions, when was your last period, etc.... then the nurse asked me if this was my first pregnancy -- haha.... nice one lady - but i am not pregnant... (turns out, the stupid woman who made the appointment put me down as a new ob patient)
- the nurse made me pee in a cup to do a pregnancy test (even though i told her i'd taken a bunch and they were all negative - doesnt she realize i'm pro at this now, i didn't "do it wrong")
- i went back to sit in the waiting room...and for the first time at a doctors office - i had to fight back tears...why did she have to ask me to take another test...now that evil monster "denial" was back, and i was really hoping it'd be positive
- the nurse just came back and sat back down...the receptionist asked if is was positive and she just said "hmmm - hmmmm" - as in the no "hmmm - hmmm"....not the yes kind.
- then - the woman who was listening to her baby's heart beat while i was being weighed, etc - came out... it was clearly her first ob appointment because she was beaming, and not showing, and was getting all kinds of information etc
- so, when i am taken back - they stick me in the ultrasound room... insensitive bastards
- when the doctor comes in and i tell her what's happening, basically - she says she's pretty sure i'm not ovulating and again - offered clomid...
- when i asked if there was anything else i could take, she said no (even though the voice in my head was screaming metformin)
- i told her i wasn't ready for clomid, but couldn't bring myself to question her "authority as a doctor" and ask about metformin
- she took blood and prescribed me provera to get my period started (of course i have to wait for my blood test results before I take the provera... just in case)
- i cried the whole way home - with the usual, why me - why do i have to struggle, why do i have face all these difficult ethical/faith questions regarding medication, why do "bad" people who clearly shouldn't have children get pregnant at the drop of a hat, etc etc
i am not even sure if i want to take the provera - since this is my first time missing a period.... is it really necessary? yes - this would have been a great question for my doctor, if i wasn't such chicken sh**.
(i also realize that i need to start being more assertive... )
also - i've been getting positive opk's... and yes - pcos can cause false positive opk's... but, there is no real "proof" that i am not ovulating... one missed period does not a non-ovulating woman make....
so - what i'm going to do is find an re and figure out what is going on. i just want to rule out pcos and endometriosis, etc. because i know there are blood tests that can be done to figure out what is happening and of course scans and the such... i am no ready to be completely poked and prodded... but i am ready to find out if i am ovulating or not, and if there is something silly and basic (such as cyst) prohibiting us from getting pregnant...
i'm still trying to decide whether or not to take the provera...
oh - and i'm trying to use other ways to determine if i am ovulating or not, and when...
i am finally charting my basal body temperature (bbt)... and i bought a ovulation scope - which uses saliva to determine if you're ovulating or not - based on the pattern the saliva forms when dried.. if it looks like ferns, you're ovulating.... (dont judge me - it was cheaper than the fertility monitor and doesnt require any test sticks...so we figured it was worth a shot)
i will explain what both of these methods entail in another post soon.... along with a rant/vent about how people perceive those of us who have to struggle to get pregnant!!
EDIT:
just got my blood work back - not pregnant...no surprise there, so why am i crying?
guess i've got 3 hours to decide whether i'm taking the provera or not...
Monday, April 25, 2011
Testing my patience/faith
today is cd50!
no, that is not a typo, it really is cd50!! now, i realize that not everyone who reads my blog is ttc therefore i will try to be a little clearer with what everything means for my journey...
oh - and by the way... i tested this morning and got my fourth bfn of this ridiculously long cycle...there is now only a 1% chance that the tests are wrong and i am indeed pregnant... it's over.
my usual cycle is 30 days... i used to get af on the same day of every month.... then i was late a couple times, and had a longer cycle - probably because i ovulated late. now i am not quite as regular, but still, 30 day cycles were my norm - with a couple of 40 day cycles thrown in. i'd say about 4 in the last 2 years.
my last cycle was 42 days long. and now... it's cd50 and i'm still waiting for af. i have never had two long cycles in a row.
the most likely cause of this, is late ovulation, or if af doesn't arrive at all - possible no ovulation at all. this is a big problem, because you cannot get pregnant if you're not ovulating!
so now i'm at a bit of a crossroads - what do i do!? someone told me to see my RE the other day... i've heard women in the ttc community mention their re's before...but i'd never really looked up what that meant, i figured it was just a nickname for a doctor...but turns out it is a reproductive endocrinologist. they are ob-gyn's who have gone to school for longer to specialize in fertility.
confession: i do not have an re.
although - i have now looked some up and am debating whether to just go to my regular ob-gyn this week, or to schedule my first appointment with an re. i'm not exactly sure why, but i am nervous about going to an re. i am scared being bullied into a barrage of tests and diagnoses. also - i already know what my ob-gyn is going to do, she'll send me for bloodwork probably, and then put me on clomid (Clomiphene is used to induce ovulation (egg production) in women who do not produce ova (eggs) but wish to become pregnant). she already wanted to put me on it a year ago, and i was ovulating fine on my own, now, i'm not sure.
i am also feeling really uncomfortable and have been feeling this way for a few days - bloated, crampy, my stomach/bowels don't seem to know what to do (upset one minute, blocked up the next)... i have been convinced that af is coming numerous times over the past three days... but nothing yet...
i feel like my body is giving up on me - i hate this.
one of my tweeps retweeted a tweet with the link to this article - great read for those who do not fully understand what to do to help those struggling to get pregnant. we understand that it is difficult to understand and know what to do or say... and i'm sure it can get tiresome hearing the same thing over and over again. believe me, we wish we had different news to share other than news of another failed cycle, or how we're struggling during the two week wait (the time between ovulation and af, when one is going to become either pregnant or not).
i am trying to remember that God is in control and i have nothing to fear... but this 50 day long cycle (and counting) has made it very difficult! i am tired, and worried, and feel like crap.
no, that is not a typo, it really is cd50!! now, i realize that not everyone who reads my blog is ttc therefore i will try to be a little clearer with what everything means for my journey...
oh - and by the way... i tested this morning and got my fourth bfn of this ridiculously long cycle...there is now only a 1% chance that the tests are wrong and i am indeed pregnant... it's over.
my usual cycle is 30 days... i used to get af on the same day of every month.... then i was late a couple times, and had a longer cycle - probably because i ovulated late. now i am not quite as regular, but still, 30 day cycles were my norm - with a couple of 40 day cycles thrown in. i'd say about 4 in the last 2 years.
my last cycle was 42 days long. and now... it's cd50 and i'm still waiting for af. i have never had two long cycles in a row.
the most likely cause of this, is late ovulation, or if af doesn't arrive at all - possible no ovulation at all. this is a big problem, because you cannot get pregnant if you're not ovulating!
so now i'm at a bit of a crossroads - what do i do!? someone told me to see my RE the other day... i've heard women in the ttc community mention their re's before...but i'd never really looked up what that meant, i figured it was just a nickname for a doctor...but turns out it is a reproductive endocrinologist. they are ob-gyn's who have gone to school for longer to specialize in fertility.
confession: i do not have an re.
although - i have now looked some up and am debating whether to just go to my regular ob-gyn this week, or to schedule my first appointment with an re. i'm not exactly sure why, but i am nervous about going to an re. i am scared being bullied into a barrage of tests and diagnoses. also - i already know what my ob-gyn is going to do, she'll send me for bloodwork probably, and then put me on clomid (Clomiphene is used to induce ovulation (egg production) in women who do not produce ova (eggs) but wish to become pregnant). she already wanted to put me on it a year ago, and i was ovulating fine on my own, now, i'm not sure.
i am also feeling really uncomfortable and have been feeling this way for a few days - bloated, crampy, my stomach/bowels don't seem to know what to do (upset one minute, blocked up the next)... i have been convinced that af is coming numerous times over the past three days... but nothing yet...
i feel like my body is giving up on me - i hate this.
one of my tweeps retweeted a tweet with the link to this article - great read for those who do not fully understand what to do to help those struggling to get pregnant. we understand that it is difficult to understand and know what to do or say... and i'm sure it can get tiresome hearing the same thing over and over again. believe me, we wish we had different news to share other than news of another failed cycle, or how we're struggling during the two week wait (the time between ovulation and af, when one is going to become either pregnant or not).
i am trying to remember that God is in control and i have nothing to fear... but this 50 day long cycle (and counting) has made it very difficult! i am tired, and worried, and feel like crap.
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