CD4
okay...now that i've gotten that vent post out of my system, i figure it's time to fill you in on where we are at right now...
a friend of mine gave me some material to read, from when she was studying -- it was an article about barren women in the Bible... it was really interesting and talks about how the male heroes in the bible were often conceived by barren women who went through similar journeys to conception.
the most important aspect of this article to me, was the fact that every one of these women took action -- they did not just sit back and say "God will take care of it"... they did petition God and get upset and plead and asked Him to remember them and bless them, etc... but they also took action and fought to have children. Many of them used surrogates (their maidservants)... and one in particular even tried mandrakes (which was considered medicinal in those days)...
so.. this helped me to decide that i can not just sit back and do nothing anymore... i need to take action -- my fear of disappointing God, or making the wrong choice is causing me to not act at all... and after reading the article, i feel that this is not the wrong choice anymore... and the worst case scenario is that i am making a mistake and perhaps this is not what God wants for me - but i know that God will make it right anyway, he will work it out for His glory... and He's not going to stop loving me if i make a mistake - my past has proven this - He is faithful!!
so... i called my obgyn on monday and she sent the prescription through, and i began clo.mid yesterday (on CD3)... 50mg for 5 days for two cycles (hopefully i'll only need it for one)... and then 100mg for another cycle... (again...hopefully we won't get to the third cycle)....
i have also decided that if we do get to that third cycle - i will go and see an re.... just to take a look at my insides and make sure nothing is blocked up or in the wrong place or anything like that... if everything looks good... i may try to convince dh to get his "army" checked out.... and if everything still looks good - i think we'll try clo.mid for another couple cycles and perhaps get blood work done throughout to gain some insight too...
iui and ivf are out of the question for us - we cannot afford $10,000 per attempt....
so...although we are using medication, we are still putting our hope and trust in God... He is always in control...
i am secretly hoping for twins (because on clo.mid there is a chance of twins or triplets, because it increases ovulation).... but feel that it is a little greedy... of course, i will be overly ecstatic with just one healthy egg/follicle/embryo/baby....
i came across this video on a blog i was looking over, and it had me balling.... not even for myself, but for all those around the world struggling with infertility, multiple pregnancy losses, physically not being able to have children, etc.... it breaks my heart, because i know the pain i feel, and it cannot compare to what some women and couples are going through....
warning: if you watch the video - be sure to have tissues handy...
so - please pray for us.... i am hoping and praying that clo.mid will "do the trick"... especially since i did not ovulate (we believe) last cycle...perhaps ovulating has been the issue the whole time!?
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
It is not obsession by choice...
okay, so the other day i was talking to dh about the silly things people say in regard to our difficult journey ttc... and he said something that at first really hurt my feelings, but when i understood what he was actually saying... i had a moment of clarity.
when i talk to people about our struggles, in their eyes - it may seem that i am obsessing about everything... because, yes, there are a few people who know about our struggles, and when i talk to them, i don't ever have any news, besides what's happening with me in regard to how i'm feeling at that moment about my journey...
so - for those of you who are not having trouble ttc or have never had trouble ttc...let me share a little glimpse into my life - and how this journey affects me every single day... so that hopefully you'll get a better idea of why it may seem that i am obsessing, when in fact it is just a very prominent part of my life - not by choice...because believe me (and i think i speak for most of those ttc for 2+ years) if i could ignore it or "relax" (as so many people ignorantly suggest) i would...
everyday my alarm wakes me up at 6am - saturdays and sundays included - so that i can take my bbt... i have to turn my alarm off and turn on my thermometer with as little movement as possible and take my temperature (in order for it to accurately take my bbt - i need to be very relaxed and essentially still half asleep).... then i have to wake up enough to read the thermometer and record the temperature. i do this in the hopes that my bbt chart will give me some insight into when i am ovulating, so that i can ensure that dh and i bd at the right time.
once i've taken my temperature, i use my finger to swab some saliva from under my tongue and spread it onto my ovulation scope (which is a tiny microscope) and let it dry for 5 - 10 minutes, at which time i can look into the scope and determine what pattern my dried saliva is making. if it looks like a fern - then i am most likely getting ready to ovulate. you may think - well, aren't you taking you charting your bbt to determine when you're ovulating...? well - yes i am, but this works best when you have other methods for detection to help "back up" your chart.
once i actually officially wake up, i get ready for work, or for the day. i will have a cup of coffee - i can't do this without considering the fact that we are ttc - because i shouldn't really be having coffee at all, but if i do, i only have one small cup and then i have to make sure that i do not have any other caffeine during the day. i am also trying to lower my sugar intake - so i am now having less sugar in my coffee- because i read that high level of sugars can contribute to PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome)...and this may or may not be true - but i'll do whatever it takes to increase my odds - also, it'd just be in my best interest to lower my sugar intake - to be healthier...
at the end of the day, i like to take a really hot shower... i have always loved hot showers - better yet, a nice long soak in a hot bath tub... however, after ovulation... during the 2ww when i may be pregnant...i cannot have a hot bath or a hot shower - because this can raise your body temperature too much and this is dangerous for pregnant women. so, due to the fact that ovulation is such a tricky thing to pin-point....i try to refrain from hot showers all together... so, every time i take a shower, i am reminded that i have to be very careful of how hot i make the water, and if i indulge in some hot water, i need to be very careful of how long i do so for.
this brings me to a very important point --- what most people don't understand, is that when you are ttc... for at least 2 weeks of every month, you have to live like you're pregnant, because you just may be -- and for many women ttc.... it's easier to live that way all month (except perhaps during the time af is here... because that is a time when you know you're definitely not pregnant).
so - that means being careful of what you eat -- on top of not being able to eat things that pregnant women can't eat...you also need to consider what is, and is not, healthy to eat when you're trying to get pregnant. so - no soft cheeses or dairy that is unpasteurized (such as feta, brie, and blue cheese) , no fishy fish (or fish/seafood high in mercury), no alcohol, avoid hot dogs, avoid lunch meat, and of course - no caffeine (which i'm still working on).
this of course means that every time i am faced with a choice of what to eat, i need to consider all these things....
then of course - i take a prenatal multi-vitamin... because many of the vitamins one needs during pregnancy, help with fertility and also - because i never know when i will in fact get pregnant, i want to ensure i am getting all the vitamins i need for a healthy pregnancy ---- just in case.
i'm not going to go into details about how bd needs to be timed just right during my cycle ... and also - needs to occur as often as possible prior to and during ovulation... so there is no (or very little) spontaneous and romantic bd'ing happening... and because everything is "scheduled" it has to be thought about and discussed... it's not something one can just "relax" and forget about.... contrary to popular belief... you cannot get pregnant at just any time of the month... there is a somewhat small window of opportunity in which one can fall pregnant.... and when you've been trying for over a year... you are going to do whatever you can to increase your chances of conceiving - even if that means standing on your head after db'ing (which is actually not helpful -- but elevating one's legs and putting a pillow under one's butt/hips will help those "little-guys" along...)
these are just the formalities we endure in our hopes to become pregnant - of course there is also the emotional roller-coaster ride that accompanies these... and often this is what we talk to our family and friends about -- because, although we wish it were different, nothing else in our lives really compares to what we're going through with this ongoing battle....
yes, the cat went missing and i'm heart broken, also my friend got engaged, and another friend is getting ready to get married and we've been celebrating with bridal showers etc, and yes, i am turning 25 soon, yes i am growing in my faith thanks to some wonderful women and a weekly bible study, yes, we were asked to become leaders of our church's young adults couple's group, and yes -- these things are happening and i'm more than happy to share that... but ultimately, none of it really compares to the depths of our feelings and desire to become pregnant.well - maybe it compares, but if we've told you of our struggle, it's because we want to be able to share it with you and maybe just vent a little and get some support - we don't want advice or for you to try and fix anything... we just want to know that you care and understand how difficult it is for us.
so, if we seem a little obsessive... please forgive us, but unfortunately this journey requires that you go "all-in" - emotionally and physically.
i would like to mention that all of these things that i endure every month in order to increase my chances - is nothing compared to what other women are enduring while undergoing IUI or IVF -- which includes multiple doctor visits and injecting themselves multiple times a month....
next time someone confides in you, with regard to their struggles trying to conceive, remember that it may seem easy for you to think that we are obsessing and should "just relax" - however, it is not that simple -- and we can't help that this is something we think about almost 24/7... i know that i am trying my very best to put it out of my mind during the time that i'm not eating, waking up, showering, or bd'ing.... but sometimes it's a losing battle.... i wish it were possible to "relax" and stop thinking about it for a few days!!!
when i talk to people about our struggles, in their eyes - it may seem that i am obsessing about everything... because, yes, there are a few people who know about our struggles, and when i talk to them, i don't ever have any news, besides what's happening with me in regard to how i'm feeling at that moment about my journey...
so - for those of you who are not having trouble ttc or have never had trouble ttc...let me share a little glimpse into my life - and how this journey affects me every single day... so that hopefully you'll get a better idea of why it may seem that i am obsessing, when in fact it is just a very prominent part of my life - not by choice...because believe me (and i think i speak for most of those ttc for 2+ years) if i could ignore it or "relax" (as so many people ignorantly suggest) i would...
everyday my alarm wakes me up at 6am - saturdays and sundays included - so that i can take my bbt... i have to turn my alarm off and turn on my thermometer with as little movement as possible and take my temperature (in order for it to accurately take my bbt - i need to be very relaxed and essentially still half asleep).... then i have to wake up enough to read the thermometer and record the temperature. i do this in the hopes that my bbt chart will give me some insight into when i am ovulating, so that i can ensure that dh and i bd at the right time.
once i've taken my temperature, i use my finger to swab some saliva from under my tongue and spread it onto my ovulation scope (which is a tiny microscope) and let it dry for 5 - 10 minutes, at which time i can look into the scope and determine what pattern my dried saliva is making. if it looks like a fern - then i am most likely getting ready to ovulate. you may think - well, aren't you taking you charting your bbt to determine when you're ovulating...? well - yes i am, but this works best when you have other methods for detection to help "back up" your chart.
once i actually officially wake up, i get ready for work, or for the day. i will have a cup of coffee - i can't do this without considering the fact that we are ttc - because i shouldn't really be having coffee at all, but if i do, i only have one small cup and then i have to make sure that i do not have any other caffeine during the day. i am also trying to lower my sugar intake - so i am now having less sugar in my coffee- because i read that high level of sugars can contribute to PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome)...and this may or may not be true - but i'll do whatever it takes to increase my odds - also, it'd just be in my best interest to lower my sugar intake - to be healthier...
at the end of the day, i like to take a really hot shower... i have always loved hot showers - better yet, a nice long soak in a hot bath tub... however, after ovulation... during the 2ww when i may be pregnant...i cannot have a hot bath or a hot shower - because this can raise your body temperature too much and this is dangerous for pregnant women. so, due to the fact that ovulation is such a tricky thing to pin-point....i try to refrain from hot showers all together... so, every time i take a shower, i am reminded that i have to be very careful of how hot i make the water, and if i indulge in some hot water, i need to be very careful of how long i do so for.
this brings me to a very important point --- what most people don't understand, is that when you are ttc... for at least 2 weeks of every month, you have to live like you're pregnant, because you just may be -- and for many women ttc.... it's easier to live that way all month (except perhaps during the time af is here... because that is a time when you know you're definitely not pregnant).
so - that means being careful of what you eat -- on top of not being able to eat things that pregnant women can't eat...you also need to consider what is, and is not, healthy to eat when you're trying to get pregnant. so - no soft cheeses or dairy that is unpasteurized (such as feta, brie, and blue cheese) , no fishy fish (or fish/seafood high in mercury), no alcohol, avoid hot dogs, avoid lunch meat, and of course - no caffeine (which i'm still working on).
this of course means that every time i am faced with a choice of what to eat, i need to consider all these things....
then of course - i take a prenatal multi-vitamin... because many of the vitamins one needs during pregnancy, help with fertility and also - because i never know when i will in fact get pregnant, i want to ensure i am getting all the vitamins i need for a healthy pregnancy ---- just in case.
i'm not going to go into details about how bd needs to be timed just right during my cycle ... and also - needs to occur as often as possible prior to and during ovulation... so there is no (or very little) spontaneous and romantic bd'ing happening... and because everything is "scheduled" it has to be thought about and discussed... it's not something one can just "relax" and forget about.... contrary to popular belief... you cannot get pregnant at just any time of the month... there is a somewhat small window of opportunity in which one can fall pregnant.... and when you've been trying for over a year... you are going to do whatever you can to increase your chances of conceiving - even if that means standing on your head after db'ing (which is actually not helpful -- but elevating one's legs and putting a pillow under one's butt/hips will help those "little-guys" along...)
these are just the formalities we endure in our hopes to become pregnant - of course there is also the emotional roller-coaster ride that accompanies these... and often this is what we talk to our family and friends about -- because, although we wish it were different, nothing else in our lives really compares to what we're going through with this ongoing battle....
yes, the cat went missing and i'm heart broken, also my friend got engaged, and another friend is getting ready to get married and we've been celebrating with bridal showers etc, and yes, i am turning 25 soon, yes i am growing in my faith thanks to some wonderful women and a weekly bible study, yes, we were asked to become leaders of our church's young adults couple's group, and yes -- these things are happening and i'm more than happy to share that... but ultimately, none of it really compares to the depths of our feelings and desire to become pregnant.well - maybe it compares, but if we've told you of our struggle, it's because we want to be able to share it with you and maybe just vent a little and get some support - we don't want advice or for you to try and fix anything... we just want to know that you care and understand how difficult it is for us.
so, if we seem a little obsessive... please forgive us, but unfortunately this journey requires that you go "all-in" - emotionally and physically.
i would like to mention that all of these things that i endure every month in order to increase my chances - is nothing compared to what other women are enduring while undergoing IUI or IVF -- which includes multiple doctor visits and injecting themselves multiple times a month....
next time someone confides in you, with regard to their struggles trying to conceive, remember that it may seem easy for you to think that we are obsessing and should "just relax" - however, it is not that simple -- and we can't help that this is something we think about almost 24/7... i know that i am trying my very best to put it out of my mind during the time that i'm not eating, waking up, showering, or bd'ing.... but sometimes it's a losing battle.... i wish it were possible to "relax" and stop thinking about it for a few days!!!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Seeing my doctor
last week was really weird for me - looking back, i feel like i was on auto-pilot the whole time! i had three social "outings" - a ladies bible study, a trip with a friend to get ice-cream, and a bridal shower... but i couldn't quite participate at 100%... and i left all three of them feeling kinda empty... except the bible study, although i wasn't really participating, i did tell them about my current cycle debacle, and a few of the girls offered to go with me to the doctor to help me stand up for myself and not feel bullied - which i appreciated so much i can't even begin to explain!
anyways - because i was feeling bloated, sensitive around the lower abdomen, like there was too much pressure there, and then some weird stomach/chest cramps/pains... i decided to just go to the doctor. finally on wednesday i decided to just go to my regular ob-gyn, since it was time for my yearly anyways... so i called and made an appointment for friday.
when i arrived, i felt great... there was no one in the waiting room besides me, so no pregnant bellies toresent deal with... then the nurse called me back to weigh me, etc....
i am not even sure if i want to take the provera - since this is my first time missing a period.... is it really necessary? yes - this would have been a great question for my doctor, if i wasn't such chicken sh**.
(i also realize that i need to start being more assertive... )
also - i've been getting positive opk's... and yes - pcos can cause false positive opk's... but, there is no real "proof" that i am not ovulating... one missed period does not a non-ovulating woman make....
so - what i'm going to do is find an re and figure out what is going on. i just want to rule out pcos and endometriosis, etc. because i know there are blood tests that can be done to figure out what is happening and of course scans and the such... i am no ready to be completely poked and prodded... but i am ready to find out if i am ovulating or not, and if there is something silly and basic (such as cyst) prohibiting us from getting pregnant...
i'm still trying to decide whether or not to take the provera...
oh - and i'm trying to use other ways to determine if i am ovulating or not, and when...
i am finally charting my basal body temperature (bbt)... and i bought a ovulation scope - which uses saliva to determine if you're ovulating or not - based on the pattern the saliva forms when dried.. if it looks like ferns, you're ovulating.... (dont judge me - it was cheaper than the fertility monitor and doesnt require any test sticks...so we figured it was worth a shot)
i will explain what both of these methods entail in another post soon.... along with a rant/vent about how people perceive those of us who have to struggle to get pregnant!!
EDIT:
just got my blood work back - not pregnant...no surprise there, so why am i crying?
guess i've got 3 hours to decide whether i'm taking the provera or not...
anyways - because i was feeling bloated, sensitive around the lower abdomen, like there was too much pressure there, and then some weird stomach/chest cramps/pains... i decided to just go to the doctor. finally on wednesday i decided to just go to my regular ob-gyn, since it was time for my yearly anyways... so i called and made an appointment for friday.
when i arrived, i felt great... there was no one in the waiting room besides me, so no pregnant bellies to
- i could someone's baby's heartbeat through the wall/door next to the scale
- the nurse was asking me all the usual questions, when was your last period, etc.... then the nurse asked me if this was my first pregnancy -- haha.... nice one lady - but i am not pregnant... (turns out, the stupid woman who made the appointment put me down as a new ob patient)
- the nurse made me pee in a cup to do a pregnancy test (even though i told her i'd taken a bunch and they were all negative - doesnt she realize i'm pro at this now, i didn't "do it wrong")
- i went back to sit in the waiting room...and for the first time at a doctors office - i had to fight back tears...why did she have to ask me to take another test...now that evil monster "denial" was back, and i was really hoping it'd be positive
- the nurse just came back and sat back down...the receptionist asked if is was positive and she just said "hmmm - hmmmm" - as in the no "hmmm - hmmm"....not the yes kind.
- then - the woman who was listening to her baby's heart beat while i was being weighed, etc - came out... it was clearly her first ob appointment because she was beaming, and not showing, and was getting all kinds of information etc
- so, when i am taken back - they stick me in the ultrasound room... insensitive bastards
- when the doctor comes in and i tell her what's happening, basically - she says she's pretty sure i'm not ovulating and again - offered clomid...
- when i asked if there was anything else i could take, she said no (even though the voice in my head was screaming metformin)
- i told her i wasn't ready for clomid, but couldn't bring myself to question her "authority as a doctor" and ask about metformin
- she took blood and prescribed me provera to get my period started (of course i have to wait for my blood test results before I take the provera... just in case)
- i cried the whole way home - with the usual, why me - why do i have to struggle, why do i have face all these difficult ethical/faith questions regarding medication, why do "bad" people who clearly shouldn't have children get pregnant at the drop of a hat, etc etc
i am not even sure if i want to take the provera - since this is my first time missing a period.... is it really necessary? yes - this would have been a great question for my doctor, if i wasn't such chicken sh**.
(i also realize that i need to start being more assertive... )
also - i've been getting positive opk's... and yes - pcos can cause false positive opk's... but, there is no real "proof" that i am not ovulating... one missed period does not a non-ovulating woman make....
so - what i'm going to do is find an re and figure out what is going on. i just want to rule out pcos and endometriosis, etc. because i know there are blood tests that can be done to figure out what is happening and of course scans and the such... i am no ready to be completely poked and prodded... but i am ready to find out if i am ovulating or not, and if there is something silly and basic (such as cyst) prohibiting us from getting pregnant...
i'm still trying to decide whether or not to take the provera...
oh - and i'm trying to use other ways to determine if i am ovulating or not, and when...
i am finally charting my basal body temperature (bbt)... and i bought a ovulation scope - which uses saliva to determine if you're ovulating or not - based on the pattern the saliva forms when dried.. if it looks like ferns, you're ovulating.... (dont judge me - it was cheaper than the fertility monitor and doesnt require any test sticks...so we figured it was worth a shot)
i will explain what both of these methods entail in another post soon.... along with a rant/vent about how people perceive those of us who have to struggle to get pregnant!!
EDIT:
just got my blood work back - not pregnant...no surprise there, so why am i crying?
guess i've got 3 hours to decide whether i'm taking the provera or not...
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