I am ready for this.... aren't I?

So, this Saturday is the baby shower of the mom-to-be half of The Couple.

I am nervous scared terrified!! I believe I am ready for it - I am in a good emotional place in my journey...
BUT...

I think I am afraid of breaking down.... I do not want to run out of the room crying....

One good aspect of the shower -- a friend is coming with, and although she is related, and good friends, with the mom-to-be, she also understands my situation, and knows that I'm feeling anxious about the shower. So, I will have some moral support - someone's hand to squeeze if I'm feeling like I might lose it...

She is a new friend, and it's kind of ridiculous how excited I am to have a friend!! A real friend!!

Okay - I have many GREAT friends back home - but after living here for five years, I have only made one really good friend, and she left the country to go home; that was four years ago... so it's been a while since I've had a close friend, besides DH.

Back to my new friend - she is literally God-sent. She reached out to me when I was in a really low place, and things just lined up perfectly for our friendship to grow. It's actually even more than that...

I was talking to DH last night - about my new friend... because she made it clear that our friendship means a lot to her too when I told my ladies bible study about my anxiety about the shower (I cried...and hated that I did)... she said that she would be there and if I needed a break, she knows the venue well, and knows where we can go to "dance it off" (we have a common love for dancing, and specifically playing kinect dance games)... The fact that she offered to leave the shower, for me - if I needed a moment away... means so much to me (remember the mom-to-be and her are friends, and related).

Back to my point - I was telling DH how happy I was to finally have a real friend here, and then I realized that it was something I had been longing for and wanted so badly - yet, I hadn't actually prayed about it. So I turned to DH and asked him if he's ever had unprayered prayers answered... and I told him that I've had a few...

First - him... I wasn't really looking for marriage, but real love was something I have wanted my whole life and had never found, and although at first I was scared at the prospect of getting married so quickly... it was an unprayered prayer answered - I had found the man of my dreams - without praying for him.

Then - my new friend. I was lonely, in terms of girl friends, and had tried to make girl friends for years. But, I had never prayed for it.

DH casually says - I prayed for you to find a friend, because I knew how much you wanted it.
He also mentioned a while back how he had prayed for my faith to be restored, because he knew I used to be involved in church, but then left and really wanted nothing to do with church or faith. And now I'm at such a good place in my faith journey - having never known that he was praying for me the whole time!!!

It made me realize how lucky I am to have him in my life - he's more than I could ever have prayed for! Just as my friend is already more than I could have prayed for! God always answers prayers... even if they aren't yours.

I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband. His strong faith never ceases to amaze me! Neither does his grace and love.

I will try to remember these blessings when I am sitting and celebrating someone else's blessing on Saturday.

Let me tell you about my mother-in-law...

Okay,

First, I just want to say that I love my in-laws, they are very generous and always mean well. They are pretty much all the family I have nearby and they have always been financially supportive of DH and I - which we are forever grateful for!!
Of course, they're not my parents, and therefore there are certain aspects of their personalities that get a little annoying - it's the same with my dad - we don't always get along.
My mother, on the other hand, is very supportive in whatever I want to do or pursue. She is easy to get along with, and really - I don't think there is any character trait I do not like/love in my mother. This is a hard act for my mother-in-law (MIL) to follow.

My MIL is paranoid, anxious, set in her ways, opinionated, and somewhat blunt/brash. This is very different to what I'm used to - also, she comes across as non-supportive because she just says the first thing that comes to mind. She also seems to be afraid of change...

When DH and I decided to try and get pregnant, I told him to tell his mother... he told me that he had, when in fact he hadn't (he knows his mom well I suppose).

After trying for five months, I was 10 days late...I was never late*!! But, home pregnancy tests (HPT) were all negative. So, we went to MIL to ask her advice; should I go get blood drawn or wait?
She knew immediately what we were going to tell her - and started practically yelling "NO! NO! NO! NO!". Here I am - hoping and praying that this is it... and she's freaking out. She was convinced that it wasn't a good time for us to be pregnant - we were busy buying a house ....

When AF arrived the next morning - I was devastated!! It was one of the worst days of my life!! Even though I was not officially pregnant, I thought I was...and so it felt like a loss, not a disappointment. I told DH to phone MIL and tell her. We saw them that night.... all she said to me was - "thank you for letting me know"...and that was that.


Three months later, someone in the family who had just had a baby said to me "...it's your turn next"...
My MIL responded with : "NO! Don't say that!" In a very panicked tone.

Sometime after that... we arrived at my in-laws house without our dogs (whom we sometimes take over to visit), and FIL said "I didn't hear the pitter patter of little feet"...and she quickly said "Don't say that!"...

It is clear that she doesn't think we are ready to start a family... but, these little comments tear me up inside and really hurt.
She hasn't said anything recently - but DH and I agreed that if she does, he will let her know that it's inappropriate and she needs to stop.

But...
The other day we were talking about our tax refund and what we're going to do with it - FIL said something in regard to a trip back "home" (to my home country) --- which is something I really want to do because I haven't been "home" to see my family or friends for almost 5 years--- and she said "No! You don't need to do that right now."
Maybe I'm being silly, but that really hurt my feelings...

First off  - who is she to tell us what we should do with our money...
Second - If I were to take her son to another country and he didn't visit her for 5 years, she would be a mess!

Through all of this - and some bible studies and prayer - I have come to understand that we cannot put special expectations on family, just because they're family. They are still people who can be selfish, insensitive, and rude... the only difference is, they are family - so they are around more often and feel that they can be themselves and not worry about being rude.

My in-laws cannot replace my family whom are far away, and they will not fill the void that is left because I can't see and spend time with my family. I just have to accept them for who and what they are.... and be grateful for the support that they do offer!

This can be difficult because I am a people-pleaser. I want to make people happy and I hate not being liked or having people upset with me... but at the end of the day, I cannot let this affect my life or my happiness. So I am choosing to ignore her, and be firm in my belief that her opinion doesn't matter.

Thanks for reading my vent-post!! :)
Take care!

*Now it seems that I am late every third cycle or so! Typical!

I Need a Compass

So - while trying to wade through these murky waters of what some refer to as infertility* (I don't really like to think of myself as infertile) I have been forced to take a closer look at my faith, and what exactly I believe in regard to miracles, God's will, God's blessings, prayer... everything.

From my understanding of faith and our Heavenly Father - we should all pray for God's will to be done in our lives, because His plan is so much greater than our plans. The problem with this, or what makes this difficult, is our free will... and our personal hopes and dreams for our lives. I want to have 2 children before I am 30 years old... but, what if God's plan is different? If it is, what exactly do I pray for- what I want? Or for God's will be done? What if they're not the same?

I suppose it all comes down to trust. We need to trust that God wants the same things we want, and that He truly knows best and knows the desires of our heart.

"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4
" In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will" Ephesians 1:11 

 So... from my understanding... and what I believe...
We are to ask God for the desires of our heart, and He will bless us in His perfect time, according to His plan - and if we are faithful and trust in Him, He will give us our hearts desires...

His plan for our lives may be predestined, but I believe that God also hears our prayers, and will work everything out for the best.

Now, over the next six months, my hearts desire is, of course, to get pregnant - but also to grow closer to God, and be still in His presence and hopefully discern His will for our lives. Do we get tested after six months, what if something is wrong, what if nothing is wrong... what is the direction God wants us to take with the answers to these questions.

I think things are slowly getting clearer...
I pray that I will not need to answer those last two questions... I pray that God would bless us with a family of our own, that this would be a part of His plan, and if not, that He would work it out for the glory of His name and His kingdom... for the purpose of His will. I pray for strength, peace, patience, and direction for today, tomorrow, and the future. 


*"Infertility: The diminished ability or the inability to conceive and have offspring. Infertility is also defined in specific terms as the failure to conceive after a year of regular intercourse without contraception." (According to medicinenet.com

Back to the drawing board

Okay... so, after I wrote my previous post...I told DH that I was done...
No more prenatals (just a vitamin that had all the goods, since we were still not going to go on birth control), no more coffee restrictions, no more just in cases....
DH sort of said alright.... knowing that I've said all of this before... I guess he didn't really understand that I was truly done - and trying to come to terms with the fact that we may never have children.
This was Thursday afternoon...

On Friday night I had a complete meltdown (after spending almost 3 hours with a pregnant acquaintance)... it really started when DH said some silly things - he doesn't understand that it's not a choice for me to think about it all the time... I don't choose any of the crazy that comes with TTC for over 2 years....
We had a long talk about why I feel the way I do and about the possibility of getting tested.... etc...

So - it is important to DH (and me, if I'm being honest) to keep trying and to not give up so easily, and to have faith that it will happen if we keep trying.
We decided that we will be giving it our all for 6 more months.... DH will be doing everything I'm doing too - trying to eat and drink right, BD every other day, the whole nine yards...

I think he finally sensed my exasperation and despair with the whole thing. He realized how much he wants a family (ideally 2 kids before we're 30) and how close I am to giving up on that dream...

So - here we go.... 6 months of eating all the fertility boosting foods, yoga, positive thinking, prayer, BD'ing, prenatal vitamins, caffeine restrictions, alcohol restrictions, hot shower restrictions, and who knows -- I may even through some basal temperature reading in there.... maybe!

Wish us luck...
I'm still going to try and find a balance - I realize that when we do fall pregnant and have a baby, many of things I've been trying to find the time to do, will go right out the window for 2+ years.... so we are still going to save for a trip home... and do all the things we love.

Hopefully the next 6 months will be fun...and not completely stress-filled and obsessive.

At the end of my rope...

So I have two "cycle tracker" apps on my phone... and one of them predicted AF to arrive on Monday.... so obviously when she didn't... it was on my mind.

I didn't feel any weird symptoms or start to "feel" pregnant..so of course - I thought that maybe this was it...

AF arrived last night. (Wednesday night)

Today I feel like I need to just give up. I can talk about my faith till I'm blue in the face - and I really do believe that God's plan is better than mine...but to actually give up my dream of being a young mother...and start to consider the fact that I may actually never have kids.... it's terrifying and heart breaking.

Part of me knows, that even if I stop "trying" ...if I let go of this dream...it will always be on my mind.... how can it not be?? (Oh - and according to all the "experts" out there, that is when I will most likely fall pregnant right? When I stop trying.... so of course that will be on my mind too....-- jerks!)

The thing is, I know that if I stop trying.... I am really giving in - because DH and I don't BD (Baby Dance/ Bump Uglies/ Do The Deed) often .... I don't know why - I think we are just lazy.... so, if we are not trying to BD often - chances of us "accidentally" baby dancing at just the right time for conception, are slim to none. Therefore, I feel that if I give up...I really am giving up....

I've had this thought often - who TTC hasn't? But, this time, it's for real. I'm done.... I'm sick of fighting with DH when he's just too tired to BD...I'm sick of feeling heart broken whenever AF arrives ...I'm sick of the 2ww (2 week wait - bet ovulation and AF) and imagining all the what ifs.... I'm sick of watching what I eat and drink - just in case....I'm just sick of waiting.... I'm tired... I am only 24 (almost 25) years old... this is not something I should be spending my time worrying about....

So - I am going to truly try and stop trying. I want to focus on my relationship with DH (which has grown so much already in the past 2 years of TTC)...and maybe we'll reignite that fire within us, which used to lead us to BD multiple times a day!! And then, who knows - maybe it will really happen when we're not trying to try.
I want to spend more time doing the things that I love...it's time for me to get my ass off the couch and start living life!!!! I'm sick to death of being miserable and longing for something that just doesn't seem to be coming my way anytime soon.

The hardest part of all of this...

My family live far away - like oceans away (I don't want to say exactly where, because I want this blog to remain anonymous).... and I have not been back to see them in almost 5 years.... in the past two years, we've been holding out - expecting to have a bundle of joy to take home with us.... what's the point of spending all that money for a trip, if we could have a baby to take over in a year? Because then we wouldn't be able to take baby over for a while - because we'd need to save up again (it is a very expensive trip).

So...if I am truly "giving up"...then we need to start saving and go home for a visit.....
That would be the ultimate gesture to say -
"Hey- God, I really am leaving it all in your hands...I am fully releasing control of my life and my dreams, and trusting in your plan for my life". 

Boy, is that terrifying!!

I'm not sure how many people actually read this - I only know of one...but if there are any more of you out there - please check out my new friend Elphaba's blog here. She is a great blogger and writer--very funny... despite the difficulty of her journey.

Take care

P.S: I hope to not go totally MIA through this.... hopefully I won't.... but please forgive me if I do.

It's okay to falter...right?

I am having a bad day - I have the worst PMS... which of course means that AF is on her lovely way....

I have also started reading too many IF blogs... so many people move on to IUI or IVF after a short time of TTC.... we've been TTC for 2 years now and I don't want to get tested...I don't want a needle placed in me to inject dye into my lady parts...I know my DH doesn't want to have to go and have "special alone time" with a cup in a doctors office....

Our God is the maker of heaven and earth - He performs miracles every day! I know that if there is something wrong...if it is His will that we get pregnant.... we will get pregnant! He can overcome any medical obstacle! None of those test results will change that! God can do anything!

I truly believe that.... but, sometimes I wonder if I'm just afraid... am I in denial?
More than anything I want a baby...I want to have lots of kids, and I want to start young... my mom was a young mom and I see the relationship she has with my older brothers... I want that!! It's something special when you're only 28-30 years older than your first born.

However, I also know that my plans and dreams and hopes mean nothing.... God's will in my life is what matters. If it's God's will that I only have a baby when I'm 32 years old...then that's what is important. (Gosh that is scary and painful to think about.)

It's not easy to give up your life, your hopes, and dreams to surrender to God's will in your life. But, I don't think it's meant to be easy.

I suppose the important thing to do, is to draw nearer to God and quietly wait to hear His will and direction for my life. If it's His will that I go and get tested... and pursue other options...then so be it....If it's His will that I trust in Him, and wait for His time...then so be it....

I pray that I can remain strong and constantly seek Him out and grow closer to Him, so I can live according to His will.

Did I ask for your advice, or even your opinion?

So, my older brother and his girlfriend (whom I refer to as my SIL) of 15+ years have been toying with the idea of having kids... and I've been urging them to get started already....just in case. I honestly hope and pray that they get pregnant right away without any trouble at all - because they are in their mid-thirties and I wouldn't wish "this" on anyone!! I also feel that I will be ecstatic for them when they do fall pregnant, because it's time for them to start a family and the longer they wait the more complicated things get.

Anyways, during the period of time where I was having major difficulties coping with thinking I'm pregnant, then I'm not, then a couple "close" to us falling pregnant so easily*... etc etc.... I was talking to my SIL a lot and sharing everything with her - I'm very open about it all with my family...not at all with DH family, but that's another story.
Back to my point - she was always very quick to say that I should stop stressing about it.... because of course if we're thinking about it all the time and therefore talking about it all the time, we're stressing about it....
"yeah yeah - if we just stop thinking about it, it'll happen"

Now that they're trying (officially for 2 weeks when we spoke) - she can't stop thinking about it... even though she doesn't want to become all "OCD about it"... I had to laugh...
Really? Now that you're TTC, you can't control your thoughts and you're thinking about it all the time..... try two years of TTC!!!

It amuses me that people think you can just stop thinking about - like it's a switch we can turn off.... and why tell us that exactly? Do you think I want to always be thinking about it? Even when I'm not in the 2ww- over analyzing every hunger pang, urination, headache, weight gain, emotional reaction, heartburn..... - I'm still overly aware of how often we BD, what cycle day we BD on, how hot my showers are, how much caffeine I'm drinking, every pregnant person within a 5 mile radius of me at any given moment (this includes fictional characters on television shows).....
If there is a magical switch I can turn off -- please!! Let me know where it is!! Because I'd LOVE to be able to stop "stressing about it".

If you are not TTC, infertile, or "infertile".... then please do those of us who are a favor, and don't assume that we are happy to obsess... don't tell us to stop trying "because then it'll happen".... just offer a listening ear and some hopeful encouragement - like "good luck, you're in my prayers" not "it'll be your time soon", or "when the time is right".... blah blah blah.... you'll either end up making us very angry, or for those of us with a shred of patience left....just miserable and possibly tearful.

This is in no way about my SIL, because I love her to bits and know that she doesn't know any better... also - I'm still finding that aspect of TTC somewhat easy - to brush off the ignorant (and often insensitive) comments of family - because they mean well, so it doesn't really bother me.

So...rant over....
Hope the start of 2011 has been positive for all of you - if not.... next time AF arrives - have a Big Carl** "on me".

Baby dust to all TTC.

*how dare they, right? 
** Cougartown reference for those who are confused