CD4
okay...now that i've gotten that vent post out of my system, i figure it's time to fill you in on where we are at right now...
a friend of mine gave me some material to read, from when she was studying -- it was an article about barren women in the Bible... it was really interesting and talks about how the male heroes in the bible were often conceived by barren women who went through similar journeys to conception.
the most important aspect of this article to me, was the fact that every one of these women took action -- they did not just sit back and say "God will take care of it"... they did petition God and get upset and plead and asked Him to remember them and bless them, etc... but they also took action and fought to have children. Many of them used surrogates (their maidservants)... and one in particular even tried mandrakes (which was considered medicinal in those days)...
so.. this helped me to decide that i can not just sit back and do nothing anymore... i need to take action -- my fear of disappointing God, or making the wrong choice is causing me to not act at all... and after reading the article, i feel that this is not the wrong choice anymore... and the worst case scenario is that i am making a mistake and perhaps this is not what God wants for me - but i know that God will make it right anyway, he will work it out for His glory... and He's not going to stop loving me if i make a mistake - my past has proven this - He is faithful!!
so... i called my obgyn on monday and she sent the prescription through, and i began clo.mid yesterday (on CD3)... 50mg for 5 days for two cycles (hopefully i'll only need it for one)... and then 100mg for another cycle... (again...hopefully we won't get to the third cycle)....
i have also decided that if we do get to that third cycle - i will go and see an re.... just to take a look at my insides and make sure nothing is blocked up or in the wrong place or anything like that... if everything looks good... i may try to convince dh to get his "army" checked out.... and if everything still looks good - i think we'll try clo.mid for another couple cycles and perhaps get blood work done throughout to gain some insight too...
iui and ivf are out of the question for us - we cannot afford $10,000 per attempt....
so...although we are using medication, we are still putting our hope and trust in God... He is always in control...
i am secretly hoping for twins (because on clo.mid there is a chance of twins or triplets, because it increases ovulation).... but feel that it is a little greedy... of course, i will be overly ecstatic with just one healthy egg/follicle/embryo/baby....
i came across this video on a blog i was looking over, and it had me balling.... not even for myself, but for all those around the world struggling with infertility, multiple pregnancy losses, physically not being able to have children, etc.... it breaks my heart, because i know the pain i feel, and it cannot compare to what some women and couples are going through....
warning: if you watch the video - be sure to have tissues handy...
so - please pray for us.... i am hoping and praying that clo.mid will "do the trick"... especially since i did not ovulate (we believe) last cycle...perhaps ovulating has been the issue the whole time!?
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
It is not obsession by choice...
okay, so the other day i was talking to dh about the silly things people say in regard to our difficult journey ttc... and he said something that at first really hurt my feelings, but when i understood what he was actually saying... i had a moment of clarity.
when i talk to people about our struggles, in their eyes - it may seem that i am obsessing about everything... because, yes, there are a few people who know about our struggles, and when i talk to them, i don't ever have any news, besides what's happening with me in regard to how i'm feeling at that moment about my journey...
so - for those of you who are not having trouble ttc or have never had trouble ttc...let me share a little glimpse into my life - and how this journey affects me every single day... so that hopefully you'll get a better idea of why it may seem that i am obsessing, when in fact it is just a very prominent part of my life - not by choice...because believe me (and i think i speak for most of those ttc for 2+ years) if i could ignore it or "relax" (as so many people ignorantly suggest) i would...
everyday my alarm wakes me up at 6am - saturdays and sundays included - so that i can take my bbt... i have to turn my alarm off and turn on my thermometer with as little movement as possible and take my temperature (in order for it to accurately take my bbt - i need to be very relaxed and essentially still half asleep).... then i have to wake up enough to read the thermometer and record the temperature. i do this in the hopes that my bbt chart will give me some insight into when i am ovulating, so that i can ensure that dh and i bd at the right time.
once i've taken my temperature, i use my finger to swab some saliva from under my tongue and spread it onto my ovulation scope (which is a tiny microscope) and let it dry for 5 - 10 minutes, at which time i can look into the scope and determine what pattern my dried saliva is making. if it looks like a fern - then i am most likely getting ready to ovulate. you may think - well, aren't you taking you charting your bbt to determine when you're ovulating...? well - yes i am, but this works best when you have other methods for detection to help "back up" your chart.
once i actually officially wake up, i get ready for work, or for the day. i will have a cup of coffee - i can't do this without considering the fact that we are ttc - because i shouldn't really be having coffee at all, but if i do, i only have one small cup and then i have to make sure that i do not have any other caffeine during the day. i am also trying to lower my sugar intake - so i am now having less sugar in my coffee- because i read that high level of sugars can contribute to PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome)...and this may or may not be true - but i'll do whatever it takes to increase my odds - also, it'd just be in my best interest to lower my sugar intake - to be healthier...
at the end of the day, i like to take a really hot shower... i have always loved hot showers - better yet, a nice long soak in a hot bath tub... however, after ovulation... during the 2ww when i may be pregnant...i cannot have a hot bath or a hot shower - because this can raise your body temperature too much and this is dangerous for pregnant women. so, due to the fact that ovulation is such a tricky thing to pin-point....i try to refrain from hot showers all together... so, every time i take a shower, i am reminded that i have to be very careful of how hot i make the water, and if i indulge in some hot water, i need to be very careful of how long i do so for.
this brings me to a very important point --- what most people don't understand, is that when you are ttc... for at least 2 weeks of every month, you have to live like you're pregnant, because you just may be -- and for many women ttc.... it's easier to live that way all month (except perhaps during the time af is here... because that is a time when you know you're definitely not pregnant).
so - that means being careful of what you eat -- on top of not being able to eat things that pregnant women can't eat...you also need to consider what is, and is not, healthy to eat when you're trying to get pregnant. so - no soft cheeses or dairy that is unpasteurized (such as feta, brie, and blue cheese) , no fishy fish (or fish/seafood high in mercury), no alcohol, avoid hot dogs, avoid lunch meat, and of course - no caffeine (which i'm still working on).
this of course means that every time i am faced with a choice of what to eat, i need to consider all these things....
then of course - i take a prenatal multi-vitamin... because many of the vitamins one needs during pregnancy, help with fertility and also - because i never know when i will in fact get pregnant, i want to ensure i am getting all the vitamins i need for a healthy pregnancy ---- just in case.
i'm not going to go into details about how bd needs to be timed just right during my cycle ... and also - needs to occur as often as possible prior to and during ovulation... so there is no (or very little) spontaneous and romantic bd'ing happening... and because everything is "scheduled" it has to be thought about and discussed... it's not something one can just "relax" and forget about.... contrary to popular belief... you cannot get pregnant at just any time of the month... there is a somewhat small window of opportunity in which one can fall pregnant.... and when you've been trying for over a year... you are going to do whatever you can to increase your chances of conceiving - even if that means standing on your head after db'ing (which is actually not helpful -- but elevating one's legs and putting a pillow under one's butt/hips will help those "little-guys" along...)
these are just the formalities we endure in our hopes to become pregnant - of course there is also the emotional roller-coaster ride that accompanies these... and often this is what we talk to our family and friends about -- because, although we wish it were different, nothing else in our lives really compares to what we're going through with this ongoing battle....
yes, the cat went missing and i'm heart broken, also my friend got engaged, and another friend is getting ready to get married and we've been celebrating with bridal showers etc, and yes, i am turning 25 soon, yes i am growing in my faith thanks to some wonderful women and a weekly bible study, yes, we were asked to become leaders of our church's young adults couple's group, and yes -- these things are happening and i'm more than happy to share that... but ultimately, none of it really compares to the depths of our feelings and desire to become pregnant.well - maybe it compares, but if we've told you of our struggle, it's because we want to be able to share it with you and maybe just vent a little and get some support - we don't want advice or for you to try and fix anything... we just want to know that you care and understand how difficult it is for us.
so, if we seem a little obsessive... please forgive us, but unfortunately this journey requires that you go "all-in" - emotionally and physically.
i would like to mention that all of these things that i endure every month in order to increase my chances - is nothing compared to what other women are enduring while undergoing IUI or IVF -- which includes multiple doctor visits and injecting themselves multiple times a month....
next time someone confides in you, with regard to their struggles trying to conceive, remember that it may seem easy for you to think that we are obsessing and should "just relax" - however, it is not that simple -- and we can't help that this is something we think about almost 24/7... i know that i am trying my very best to put it out of my mind during the time that i'm not eating, waking up, showering, or bd'ing.... but sometimes it's a losing battle.... i wish it were possible to "relax" and stop thinking about it for a few days!!!
when i talk to people about our struggles, in their eyes - it may seem that i am obsessing about everything... because, yes, there are a few people who know about our struggles, and when i talk to them, i don't ever have any news, besides what's happening with me in regard to how i'm feeling at that moment about my journey...
so - for those of you who are not having trouble ttc or have never had trouble ttc...let me share a little glimpse into my life - and how this journey affects me every single day... so that hopefully you'll get a better idea of why it may seem that i am obsessing, when in fact it is just a very prominent part of my life - not by choice...because believe me (and i think i speak for most of those ttc for 2+ years) if i could ignore it or "relax" (as so many people ignorantly suggest) i would...
everyday my alarm wakes me up at 6am - saturdays and sundays included - so that i can take my bbt... i have to turn my alarm off and turn on my thermometer with as little movement as possible and take my temperature (in order for it to accurately take my bbt - i need to be very relaxed and essentially still half asleep).... then i have to wake up enough to read the thermometer and record the temperature. i do this in the hopes that my bbt chart will give me some insight into when i am ovulating, so that i can ensure that dh and i bd at the right time.
once i've taken my temperature, i use my finger to swab some saliva from under my tongue and spread it onto my ovulation scope (which is a tiny microscope) and let it dry for 5 - 10 minutes, at which time i can look into the scope and determine what pattern my dried saliva is making. if it looks like a fern - then i am most likely getting ready to ovulate. you may think - well, aren't you taking you charting your bbt to determine when you're ovulating...? well - yes i am, but this works best when you have other methods for detection to help "back up" your chart.
once i actually officially wake up, i get ready for work, or for the day. i will have a cup of coffee - i can't do this without considering the fact that we are ttc - because i shouldn't really be having coffee at all, but if i do, i only have one small cup and then i have to make sure that i do not have any other caffeine during the day. i am also trying to lower my sugar intake - so i am now having less sugar in my coffee- because i read that high level of sugars can contribute to PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome)...and this may or may not be true - but i'll do whatever it takes to increase my odds - also, it'd just be in my best interest to lower my sugar intake - to be healthier...
at the end of the day, i like to take a really hot shower... i have always loved hot showers - better yet, a nice long soak in a hot bath tub... however, after ovulation... during the 2ww when i may be pregnant...i cannot have a hot bath or a hot shower - because this can raise your body temperature too much and this is dangerous for pregnant women. so, due to the fact that ovulation is such a tricky thing to pin-point....i try to refrain from hot showers all together... so, every time i take a shower, i am reminded that i have to be very careful of how hot i make the water, and if i indulge in some hot water, i need to be very careful of how long i do so for.
this brings me to a very important point --- what most people don't understand, is that when you are ttc... for at least 2 weeks of every month, you have to live like you're pregnant, because you just may be -- and for many women ttc.... it's easier to live that way all month (except perhaps during the time af is here... because that is a time when you know you're definitely not pregnant).
so - that means being careful of what you eat -- on top of not being able to eat things that pregnant women can't eat...you also need to consider what is, and is not, healthy to eat when you're trying to get pregnant. so - no soft cheeses or dairy that is unpasteurized (such as feta, brie, and blue cheese) , no fishy fish (or fish/seafood high in mercury), no alcohol, avoid hot dogs, avoid lunch meat, and of course - no caffeine (which i'm still working on).
this of course means that every time i am faced with a choice of what to eat, i need to consider all these things....
then of course - i take a prenatal multi-vitamin... because many of the vitamins one needs during pregnancy, help with fertility and also - because i never know when i will in fact get pregnant, i want to ensure i am getting all the vitamins i need for a healthy pregnancy ---- just in case.
i'm not going to go into details about how bd needs to be timed just right during my cycle ... and also - needs to occur as often as possible prior to and during ovulation... so there is no (or very little) spontaneous and romantic bd'ing happening... and because everything is "scheduled" it has to be thought about and discussed... it's not something one can just "relax" and forget about.... contrary to popular belief... you cannot get pregnant at just any time of the month... there is a somewhat small window of opportunity in which one can fall pregnant.... and when you've been trying for over a year... you are going to do whatever you can to increase your chances of conceiving - even if that means standing on your head after db'ing (which is actually not helpful -- but elevating one's legs and putting a pillow under one's butt/hips will help those "little-guys" along...)
these are just the formalities we endure in our hopes to become pregnant - of course there is also the emotional roller-coaster ride that accompanies these... and often this is what we talk to our family and friends about -- because, although we wish it were different, nothing else in our lives really compares to what we're going through with this ongoing battle....
yes, the cat went missing and i'm heart broken, also my friend got engaged, and another friend is getting ready to get married and we've been celebrating with bridal showers etc, and yes, i am turning 25 soon, yes i am growing in my faith thanks to some wonderful women and a weekly bible study, yes, we were asked to become leaders of our church's young adults couple's group, and yes -- these things are happening and i'm more than happy to share that... but ultimately, none of it really compares to the depths of our feelings and desire to become pregnant.well - maybe it compares, but if we've told you of our struggle, it's because we want to be able to share it with you and maybe just vent a little and get some support - we don't want advice or for you to try and fix anything... we just want to know that you care and understand how difficult it is for us.
so, if we seem a little obsessive... please forgive us, but unfortunately this journey requires that you go "all-in" - emotionally and physically.
i would like to mention that all of these things that i endure every month in order to increase my chances - is nothing compared to what other women are enduring while undergoing IUI or IVF -- which includes multiple doctor visits and injecting themselves multiple times a month....
next time someone confides in you, with regard to their struggles trying to conceive, remember that it may seem easy for you to think that we are obsessing and should "just relax" - however, it is not that simple -- and we can't help that this is something we think about almost 24/7... i know that i am trying my very best to put it out of my mind during the time that i'm not eating, waking up, showering, or bd'ing.... but sometimes it's a losing battle.... i wish it were possible to "relax" and stop thinking about it for a few days!!!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Seeing my doctor
last week was really weird for me - looking back, i feel like i was on auto-pilot the whole time! i had three social "outings" - a ladies bible study, a trip with a friend to get ice-cream, and a bridal shower... but i couldn't quite participate at 100%... and i left all three of them feeling kinda empty... except the bible study, although i wasn't really participating, i did tell them about my current cycle debacle, and a few of the girls offered to go with me to the doctor to help me stand up for myself and not feel bullied - which i appreciated so much i can't even begin to explain!
anyways - because i was feeling bloated, sensitive around the lower abdomen, like there was too much pressure there, and then some weird stomach/chest cramps/pains... i decided to just go to the doctor. finally on wednesday i decided to just go to my regular ob-gyn, since it was time for my yearly anyways... so i called and made an appointment for friday.
when i arrived, i felt great... there was no one in the waiting room besides me, so no pregnant bellies toresent deal with... then the nurse called me back to weigh me, etc....
i am not even sure if i want to take the provera - since this is my first time missing a period.... is it really necessary? yes - this would have been a great question for my doctor, if i wasn't such chicken sh**.
(i also realize that i need to start being more assertive... )
also - i've been getting positive opk's... and yes - pcos can cause false positive opk's... but, there is no real "proof" that i am not ovulating... one missed period does not a non-ovulating woman make....
so - what i'm going to do is find an re and figure out what is going on. i just want to rule out pcos and endometriosis, etc. because i know there are blood tests that can be done to figure out what is happening and of course scans and the such... i am no ready to be completely poked and prodded... but i am ready to find out if i am ovulating or not, and if there is something silly and basic (such as cyst) prohibiting us from getting pregnant...
i'm still trying to decide whether or not to take the provera...
oh - and i'm trying to use other ways to determine if i am ovulating or not, and when...
i am finally charting my basal body temperature (bbt)... and i bought a ovulation scope - which uses saliva to determine if you're ovulating or not - based on the pattern the saliva forms when dried.. if it looks like ferns, you're ovulating.... (dont judge me - it was cheaper than the fertility monitor and doesnt require any test sticks...so we figured it was worth a shot)
i will explain what both of these methods entail in another post soon.... along with a rant/vent about how people perceive those of us who have to struggle to get pregnant!!
EDIT:
just got my blood work back - not pregnant...no surprise there, so why am i crying?
guess i've got 3 hours to decide whether i'm taking the provera or not...
anyways - because i was feeling bloated, sensitive around the lower abdomen, like there was too much pressure there, and then some weird stomach/chest cramps/pains... i decided to just go to the doctor. finally on wednesday i decided to just go to my regular ob-gyn, since it was time for my yearly anyways... so i called and made an appointment for friday.
when i arrived, i felt great... there was no one in the waiting room besides me, so no pregnant bellies to
- i could someone's baby's heartbeat through the wall/door next to the scale
- the nurse was asking me all the usual questions, when was your last period, etc.... then the nurse asked me if this was my first pregnancy -- haha.... nice one lady - but i am not pregnant... (turns out, the stupid woman who made the appointment put me down as a new ob patient)
- the nurse made me pee in a cup to do a pregnancy test (even though i told her i'd taken a bunch and they were all negative - doesnt she realize i'm pro at this now, i didn't "do it wrong")
- i went back to sit in the waiting room...and for the first time at a doctors office - i had to fight back tears...why did she have to ask me to take another test...now that evil monster "denial" was back, and i was really hoping it'd be positive
- the nurse just came back and sat back down...the receptionist asked if is was positive and she just said "hmmm - hmmmm" - as in the no "hmmm - hmmm"....not the yes kind.
- then - the woman who was listening to her baby's heart beat while i was being weighed, etc - came out... it was clearly her first ob appointment because she was beaming, and not showing, and was getting all kinds of information etc
- so, when i am taken back - they stick me in the ultrasound room... insensitive bastards
- when the doctor comes in and i tell her what's happening, basically - she says she's pretty sure i'm not ovulating and again - offered clomid...
- when i asked if there was anything else i could take, she said no (even though the voice in my head was screaming metformin)
- i told her i wasn't ready for clomid, but couldn't bring myself to question her "authority as a doctor" and ask about metformin
- she took blood and prescribed me provera to get my period started (of course i have to wait for my blood test results before I take the provera... just in case)
- i cried the whole way home - with the usual, why me - why do i have to struggle, why do i have face all these difficult ethical/faith questions regarding medication, why do "bad" people who clearly shouldn't have children get pregnant at the drop of a hat, etc etc
i am not even sure if i want to take the provera - since this is my first time missing a period.... is it really necessary? yes - this would have been a great question for my doctor, if i wasn't such chicken sh**.
(i also realize that i need to start being more assertive... )
also - i've been getting positive opk's... and yes - pcos can cause false positive opk's... but, there is no real "proof" that i am not ovulating... one missed period does not a non-ovulating woman make....
so - what i'm going to do is find an re and figure out what is going on. i just want to rule out pcos and endometriosis, etc. because i know there are blood tests that can be done to figure out what is happening and of course scans and the such... i am no ready to be completely poked and prodded... but i am ready to find out if i am ovulating or not, and if there is something silly and basic (such as cyst) prohibiting us from getting pregnant...
i'm still trying to decide whether or not to take the provera...
oh - and i'm trying to use other ways to determine if i am ovulating or not, and when...
i am finally charting my basal body temperature (bbt)... and i bought a ovulation scope - which uses saliva to determine if you're ovulating or not - based on the pattern the saliva forms when dried.. if it looks like ferns, you're ovulating.... (dont judge me - it was cheaper than the fertility monitor and doesnt require any test sticks...so we figured it was worth a shot)
i will explain what both of these methods entail in another post soon.... along with a rant/vent about how people perceive those of us who have to struggle to get pregnant!!
EDIT:
just got my blood work back - not pregnant...no surprise there, so why am i crying?
guess i've got 3 hours to decide whether i'm taking the provera or not...
Monday, April 25, 2011
Testing my patience/faith
today is cd50!
no, that is not a typo, it really is cd50!! now, i realize that not everyone who reads my blog is ttc therefore i will try to be a little clearer with what everything means for my journey...
oh - and by the way... i tested this morning and got my fourth bfn of this ridiculously long cycle...there is now only a 1% chance that the tests are wrong and i am indeed pregnant... it's over.
my usual cycle is 30 days... i used to get af on the same day of every month.... then i was late a couple times, and had a longer cycle - probably because i ovulated late. now i am not quite as regular, but still, 30 day cycles were my norm - with a couple of 40 day cycles thrown in. i'd say about 4 in the last 2 years.
my last cycle was 42 days long. and now... it's cd50 and i'm still waiting for af. i have never had two long cycles in a row.
the most likely cause of this, is late ovulation, or if af doesn't arrive at all - possible no ovulation at all. this is a big problem, because you cannot get pregnant if you're not ovulating!
so now i'm at a bit of a crossroads - what do i do!? someone told me to see my RE the other day... i've heard women in the ttc community mention their re's before...but i'd never really looked up what that meant, i figured it was just a nickname for a doctor...but turns out it is a reproductive endocrinologist. they are ob-gyn's who have gone to school for longer to specialize in fertility.
confession: i do not have an re.
although - i have now looked some up and am debating whether to just go to my regular ob-gyn this week, or to schedule my first appointment with an re. i'm not exactly sure why, but i am nervous about going to an re. i am scared being bullied into a barrage of tests and diagnoses. also - i already know what my ob-gyn is going to do, she'll send me for bloodwork probably, and then put me on clomid (Clomiphene is used to induce ovulation (egg production) in women who do not produce ova (eggs) but wish to become pregnant). she already wanted to put me on it a year ago, and i was ovulating fine on my own, now, i'm not sure.
i am also feeling really uncomfortable and have been feeling this way for a few days - bloated, crampy, my stomach/bowels don't seem to know what to do (upset one minute, blocked up the next)... i have been convinced that af is coming numerous times over the past three days... but nothing yet...
i feel like my body is giving up on me - i hate this.
one of my tweeps retweeted a tweet with the link to this article - great read for those who do not fully understand what to do to help those struggling to get pregnant. we understand that it is difficult to understand and know what to do or say... and i'm sure it can get tiresome hearing the same thing over and over again. believe me, we wish we had different news to share other than news of another failed cycle, or how we're struggling during the two week wait (the time between ovulation and af, when one is going to become either pregnant or not).
i am trying to remember that God is in control and i have nothing to fear... but this 50 day long cycle (and counting) has made it very difficult! i am tired, and worried, and feel like crap.
no, that is not a typo, it really is cd50!! now, i realize that not everyone who reads my blog is ttc therefore i will try to be a little clearer with what everything means for my journey...
oh - and by the way... i tested this morning and got my fourth bfn of this ridiculously long cycle...there is now only a 1% chance that the tests are wrong and i am indeed pregnant... it's over.
my usual cycle is 30 days... i used to get af on the same day of every month.... then i was late a couple times, and had a longer cycle - probably because i ovulated late. now i am not quite as regular, but still, 30 day cycles were my norm - with a couple of 40 day cycles thrown in. i'd say about 4 in the last 2 years.
my last cycle was 42 days long. and now... it's cd50 and i'm still waiting for af. i have never had two long cycles in a row.
the most likely cause of this, is late ovulation, or if af doesn't arrive at all - possible no ovulation at all. this is a big problem, because you cannot get pregnant if you're not ovulating!
so now i'm at a bit of a crossroads - what do i do!? someone told me to see my RE the other day... i've heard women in the ttc community mention their re's before...but i'd never really looked up what that meant, i figured it was just a nickname for a doctor...but turns out it is a reproductive endocrinologist. they are ob-gyn's who have gone to school for longer to specialize in fertility.
confession: i do not have an re.
although - i have now looked some up and am debating whether to just go to my regular ob-gyn this week, or to schedule my first appointment with an re. i'm not exactly sure why, but i am nervous about going to an re. i am scared being bullied into a barrage of tests and diagnoses. also - i already know what my ob-gyn is going to do, she'll send me for bloodwork probably, and then put me on clomid (Clomiphene is used to induce ovulation (egg production) in women who do not produce ova (eggs) but wish to become pregnant). she already wanted to put me on it a year ago, and i was ovulating fine on my own, now, i'm not sure.
i am also feeling really uncomfortable and have been feeling this way for a few days - bloated, crampy, my stomach/bowels don't seem to know what to do (upset one minute, blocked up the next)... i have been convinced that af is coming numerous times over the past three days... but nothing yet...
i feel like my body is giving up on me - i hate this.
one of my tweeps retweeted a tweet with the link to this article - great read for those who do not fully understand what to do to help those struggling to get pregnant. we understand that it is difficult to understand and know what to do or say... and i'm sure it can get tiresome hearing the same thing over and over again. believe me, we wish we had different news to share other than news of another failed cycle, or how we're struggling during the two week wait (the time between ovulation and af, when one is going to become either pregnant or not).
i am trying to remember that God is in control and i have nothing to fear... but this 50 day long cycle (and counting) has made it very difficult! i am tired, and worried, and feel like crap.
Monday, April 18, 2011
The Waiting Game
Today is CD43 ....
I took a test on CD39 and it was a BFN! So, I am resigned to the fact that AF is almost definitely going to rear her ugly face!! Of course - there is always that small chance that because I have a super fast metabolism, CD39 was too early for the test to be positive... (Yeah right - we all know that this is probably just another long, weird cycle).
Problem is - my last cycle was 40 days long... this has happened about 3 times in the last year or so... it has never happened on back-to-back cycles. So, I am a little concerned... 40+ day cycles are not normal, are they?
I did use OPK's this month - but was having a difficult time reading them, so I gave up - but I'm pretty sure I detected a surge almost 3 weeks ago... so wouldn't late ovulation be the reason for a long cycle? So, unless I was wrong about my surge... this long cycle is not really normal... is it?
It is that time of the year where I need to go to my ob-gyn anyways - so, as soon as AF arrives, I will make an appointment and ask her about these long cycles... because they've got me a little worried.
So - that is my update... I am in cycle-limbo....patiently waiting for an answer....
I took a test on CD39 and it was a BFN! So, I am resigned to the fact that AF is almost definitely going to rear her ugly face!! Of course - there is always that small chance that because I have a super fast metabolism, CD39 was too early for the test to be positive... (Yeah right - we all know that this is probably just another long, weird cycle).
Problem is - my last cycle was 40 days long... this has happened about 3 times in the last year or so... it has never happened on back-to-back cycles. So, I am a little concerned... 40+ day cycles are not normal, are they?
I did use OPK's this month - but was having a difficult time reading them, so I gave up - but I'm pretty sure I detected a surge almost 3 weeks ago... so wouldn't late ovulation be the reason for a long cycle? So, unless I was wrong about my surge... this long cycle is not really normal... is it?
It is that time of the year where I need to go to my ob-gyn anyways - so, as soon as AF arrives, I will make an appointment and ask her about these long cycles... because they've got me a little worried.
So - that is my update... I am in cycle-limbo....
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Old Hope Renewed
First - lets talk about the baby shower...
My new friend was so sweet - she prayed for me before we went into the shower, and was a great source of support throughout. Although - I didn't need a hand to squeeze, or a shoulder to cry on....
It was a very big shower - lots of people!! So, Mom-To-Be pretty much spent the whole shower opening gifts... and because there were so many people... it wasn't the quiet "lets ooh and aah over every gift" type of shower. While she was opening gifts, we were playing games - guess how much string would wrap around her belly, don't say "baby, girl, Mom-To-Be's name, Dad-To-Be's name" or your clothes peg will be taken, and three woman raced to see who could finish a bottle full of juice first - by bottle, I mean - teat and all, of course!
The only twinge of sadness I felt, was when I noticed two newly pregnant women - and people were touching their bellies... that made me remember my situation and I felt a littleresentful.jealous.. but really, other than a couple of moments...I actually had fun. Not - jump around and sing type of fun, but, chat and relax fun.
I feel like I've come a long way - considering the moment I opened her baby registry I balled my eyes out!!
So, here's what I have to say to doubt, fear, infertility, BFN's....
a few weeks ago our pastor preached about fear... and the sermon really hit home for me.
My new friend was so sweet - she prayed for me before we went into the shower, and was a great source of support throughout. Although - I didn't need a hand to squeeze, or a shoulder to cry on....
It was a very big shower - lots of people!! So, Mom-To-Be pretty much spent the whole shower opening gifts... and because there were so many people... it wasn't the quiet "lets ooh and aah over every gift" type of shower. While she was opening gifts, we were playing games - guess how much string would wrap around her belly, don't say "baby, girl, Mom-To-Be's name, Dad-To-Be's name" or your clothes peg will be taken, and three woman raced to see who could finish a bottle full of juice first - by bottle, I mean - teat and all, of course!
The only twinge of sadness I felt, was when I noticed two newly pregnant women - and people were touching their bellies... that made me remember my situation and I felt a little
I feel like I've come a long way - considering the moment I opened her baby registry I balled my eyes out!!
So, here's what I have to say to doubt, fear, infertility, BFN's....
now to explain where this "new" attitude comes from.*
a few weeks ago our pastor preached about fear... and the sermon really hit home for me.
i have been reminded of how faithful my God**. when i needed a way out of durban, and then johannesburg, God didn't just bring me here to learn and experience life to its fullest, He introduced me to the man of my dreams. when we realized we should try to buy a house, rather than continue renting, God provided a way... (i am still in awe of how we've been blessed, and still cant believe that we were home owners at 23 years old.) when my friends mother was overcome by a life of addiction, God didnt just answer our prayers to help her turn her life back around, He put people in her life that would help lead her to Him.
yes - our prayers for a child have still not been answered, there are other prayers too... but, the one thing about all of these acts of God... they happened in His time.... but it's not even about the timing, it's about the fact that He is faithful, He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
therefore, what do i have to fear?
ive realized that the reason why its difficult for me to be around pregnant women, or talk about babies, etc is because i become griped by a fear so strong and so powerful that it threatens to suffocate me and swallow me whole. this fear is a fear that i will never get to experience that - never feel a baby move in my belly... never get to hear my baby's heartbeat...
one particular blogger, my favorite in fact, mentioned in one of posts that if she just knew...that somewhere down the line she would get pregnant... then it would all be okay ... it wouldnt be so difficult if she just knew that her dream would come true....
that's what my faith has given me - i do know that i will get pregnant in the future.... because God hears my prayers and He has been faithful in the past, and i trust that He will be faithful again.
yes... perhaps God's plan for my life does not involve getting pregnant... and if that is the case, He will give me the strength to get through it, and whatever His plan is, will turn out to be so much better and happier than my plan anyways... so i'm okay with that too.
but for now, because i still have this strong desire in my heart, and because God hasnt opened any other doors ...(there is no possible way that we could afford fertility treatments or adoption, so natural conception is our only option at this point) i believe that i will be pregnant.... maybe not this month, or next month, maybe not next year even... but just knowing that my prayers will be answered - is enough for now. this is not all for nothing.
so - there you have it.
the source of my renewed hope - i named this post old hope renewed, because my hope in God is not new, but it has been renewed, and i have a much deeper, clearer understanding of it now.
of course - BFN's will still suck, and AF will always bring some sadness.... but i do feel like i can be happy again... and i feel stronger and more hopeful than i have in quite some time.
sorry for the long post... and i know that not all of you are spiritual or religious, and i respect that, i just wanted to share what has helped me come to terms with the sadness and fear that "infertility" brings.
baby dust and sticky vibes to all of you! may you be filled with renewed hope too!
*yes - i've decided to give up capitalizing letters...
** yes - that is the one exception to my new no-caps approach to blogging
Monday, April 4, 2011
Tagalong Fun
Because this blog is rather private...I realize that those of you who DO read it, do not know much about me... so after reading my new choc buddy's blog, I decided to join the fun and participate in the 'Tagalong'.
1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?
I have two dogs, and a cat (who is currently missing...). They are most definitely part of the family!!
2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?
To have a large happy family! A family that is close and will remain close even when we are gone...
3. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Take a year off of work and travel the world! Then come home and buy our dream house!
4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
A hot cup of tea...And snuggle time with my DH!
5. What are your earliest memories?
They're bad ones... involving my dysfunctional family.
6. How did you meet your significant other?
Through mutual friends - who we are no longer friends with! :P But - we flirted over a game of pictionary and the rest is history!
7. What kind of books do you read?
I read all kinds of books - I love James Patterson (who doesn't), I also love Terry Pratchet and Jodi Picoult. I also enjoyed the Twilight books, the Harry Potter books, and the Sookie Stackhouse books. (excuse the spelling - I'm supposed to be doing school work...so I'm being EXTRA lazy... avoiding spell check and correct grammar)
8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?
A fun, effective teacher with three or four children, in a comfortable house.
9. What’s your fear?
Snakes... and heights/falling
10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space?
I have an extreme fear of heights (or of falling maybe??) so, I don't think so. Also - I really enjoy junk food!!
11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Check my email/twitter/facebook.... then....coffeecoffeecoffeecoffee
12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be?
I'd give him a new back - he has back problems and it causes him a great deal of pain when it acts up... I hate it, because there is nothing I can do to help -- and... I sometimes feel like I'm married to an 80 year old man, rather than a 25 year old.
13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
Abigail ... Abby for short... or something like that with the option of a cool shortened nickname...
14. What are your pet peeves?
I HATE hearing what's going on in other people's mouths... chewing, teeth cleaning... eugh!!
15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?
OOooh...that's difficult - I'm not sure I could eat ONE thing for 6 months... I'd get thoroughly bored and sick of it. But, if I HAD to ... I like missohkay's answer - potatoes. (mashed, fries, baked.... some variety)
16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?
Feeling like I am normal - connecting with people who feel just like me about certain things.... before I started blogging and getting involved in the IF community, I felt so alone and abnormal.
17. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A teacher (I am now studying to be one).
18. Do you have any recurring dreams?
Nope.
19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go?
Mountains. I enjoy the beach, but get pretty bored of it - and I hate sand, it always seems to get everywhere...
20. What show/movie did you love as a child that, turns out, is really terrible to watch as an adult?
The Spice Girls Movie...okay, maybe I knew it was terrible... let's see if there is anything else... Oh - I like Bad Girls (cow-girl movie) and tried to watch it as an adult... was pretty terrible.
Consider yourself tagged. Enjoy.
P.S: New post about the shower coming soon - when I'm not rushed because I'm actually procrastinating and putting off school work....
1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?
I have two dogs, and a cat (who is currently missing...). They are most definitely part of the family!!
2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?
To have a large happy family! A family that is close and will remain close even when we are gone...
3. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Take a year off of work and travel the world! Then come home and buy our dream house!
4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
A hot cup of tea...And snuggle time with my DH!
5. What are your earliest memories?
They're bad ones... involving my dysfunctional family.
6. How did you meet your significant other?
Through mutual friends - who we are no longer friends with! :P But - we flirted over a game of pictionary and the rest is history!
7. What kind of books do you read?
I read all kinds of books - I love James Patterson (who doesn't), I also love Terry Pratchet and Jodi Picoult. I also enjoyed the Twilight books, the Harry Potter books, and the Sookie Stackhouse books. (excuse the spelling - I'm supposed to be doing school work...so I'm being EXTRA lazy... avoiding spell check and correct grammar)
8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?
A fun, effective teacher with three or four children, in a comfortable house.
9. What’s your fear?
Snakes... and heights/falling
10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space?
I have an extreme fear of heights (or of falling maybe??) so, I don't think so. Also - I really enjoy junk food!!
11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Check my email/twitter/facebook.... then....coffeecoffeecoffeecoffee
12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be?
I'd give him a new back - he has back problems and it causes him a great deal of pain when it acts up... I hate it, because there is nothing I can do to help -- and... I sometimes feel like I'm married to an 80 year old man, rather than a 25 year old.
13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
Abigail ... Abby for short... or something like that with the option of a cool shortened nickname...
14. What are your pet peeves?
I HATE hearing what's going on in other people's mouths... chewing, teeth cleaning... eugh!!
15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?
OOooh...that's difficult - I'm not sure I could eat ONE thing for 6 months... I'd get thoroughly bored and sick of it. But, if I HAD to ... I like missohkay's answer - potatoes. (mashed, fries, baked.... some variety)
16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?
Feeling like I am normal - connecting with people who feel just like me about certain things.... before I started blogging and getting involved in the IF community, I felt so alone and abnormal.
17. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A teacher (I am now studying to be one).
18. Do you have any recurring dreams?
Nope.
19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go?
Mountains. I enjoy the beach, but get pretty bored of it - and I hate sand, it always seems to get everywhere...
20. What show/movie did you love as a child that, turns out, is really terrible to watch as an adult?
The Spice Girls Movie...okay, maybe I knew it was terrible... let's see if there is anything else... Oh - I like Bad Girls (cow-girl movie) and tried to watch it as an adult... was pretty terrible.
Consider yourself tagged. Enjoy.
P.S: New post about the shower coming soon - when I'm not rushed because I'm actually procrastinating and putting off school work....
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