today is cd50!
no, that is not a typo, it really is cd50!! now, i realize that not everyone who reads my blog is ttc therefore i will try to be a little clearer with what everything means for my journey...
oh - and by the way... i tested this morning and got my fourth bfn of this ridiculously long cycle...there is now only a 1% chance that the tests are wrong and i am indeed pregnant... it's over.
my usual cycle is 30 days... i used to get af on the same day of every month.... then i was late a couple times, and had a longer cycle - probably because i ovulated late. now i am not quite as regular, but still, 30 day cycles were my norm - with a couple of 40 day cycles thrown in. i'd say about 4 in the last 2 years.
my last cycle was 42 days long. and now... it's cd50 and i'm still waiting for af. i have never had two long cycles in a row.
the most likely cause of this, is late ovulation, or if af doesn't arrive at all - possible no ovulation at all. this is a big problem, because you cannot get pregnant if you're not ovulating!
so now i'm at a bit of a crossroads - what do i do!? someone told me to see my RE the other day... i've heard women in the ttc community mention their re's before...but i'd never really looked up what that meant, i figured it was just a nickname for a doctor...but turns out it is a reproductive endocrinologist. they are ob-gyn's who have gone to school for longer to specialize in fertility.
confession: i do not have an re.
although - i have now looked some up and am debating whether to just go to my regular ob-gyn this week, or to schedule my first appointment with an re. i'm not exactly sure why, but i am nervous about going to an re. i am scared being bullied into a barrage of tests and diagnoses. also - i already know what my ob-gyn is going to do, she'll send me for bloodwork probably, and then put me on clomid (Clomiphene is used to induce ovulation (egg production) in women who do not produce ova (eggs) but wish to become pregnant). she already wanted to put me on it a year ago, and i was ovulating fine on my own, now, i'm not sure.
i am also feeling really uncomfortable and have been feeling this way for a few days - bloated, crampy, my stomach/bowels don't seem to know what to do (upset one minute, blocked up the next)... i have been convinced that af is coming numerous times over the past three days... but nothing yet...
i feel like my body is giving up on me - i hate this.
one of my tweeps retweeted a tweet with the link to this article - great read for those who do not fully understand what to do to help those struggling to get pregnant. we understand that it is difficult to understand and know what to do or say... and i'm sure it can get tiresome hearing the same thing over and over again. believe me, we wish we had different news to share other than news of another failed cycle, or how we're struggling during the two week wait (the time between ovulation and af, when one is going to become either pregnant or not).
i am trying to remember that God is in control and i have nothing to fear... but this 50 day long cycle (and counting) has made it very difficult! i am tired, and worried, and feel like crap.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
The Waiting Game
Today is CD43 ....
I took a test on CD39 and it was a BFN! So, I am resigned to the fact that AF is almost definitely going to rear her ugly face!! Of course - there is always that small chance that because I have a super fast metabolism, CD39 was too early for the test to be positive... (Yeah right - we all know that this is probably just another long, weird cycle).
Problem is - my last cycle was 40 days long... this has happened about 3 times in the last year or so... it has never happened on back-to-back cycles. So, I am a little concerned... 40+ day cycles are not normal, are they?
I did use OPK's this month - but was having a difficult time reading them, so I gave up - but I'm pretty sure I detected a surge almost 3 weeks ago... so wouldn't late ovulation be the reason for a long cycle? So, unless I was wrong about my surge... this long cycle is not really normal... is it?
It is that time of the year where I need to go to my ob-gyn anyways - so, as soon as AF arrives, I will make an appointment and ask her about these long cycles... because they've got me a little worried.
So - that is my update... I am in cycle-limbo....patiently waiting for an answer....
I took a test on CD39 and it was a BFN! So, I am resigned to the fact that AF is almost definitely going to rear her ugly face!! Of course - there is always that small chance that because I have a super fast metabolism, CD39 was too early for the test to be positive... (Yeah right - we all know that this is probably just another long, weird cycle).
Problem is - my last cycle was 40 days long... this has happened about 3 times in the last year or so... it has never happened on back-to-back cycles. So, I am a little concerned... 40+ day cycles are not normal, are they?
I did use OPK's this month - but was having a difficult time reading them, so I gave up - but I'm pretty sure I detected a surge almost 3 weeks ago... so wouldn't late ovulation be the reason for a long cycle? So, unless I was wrong about my surge... this long cycle is not really normal... is it?
It is that time of the year where I need to go to my ob-gyn anyways - so, as soon as AF arrives, I will make an appointment and ask her about these long cycles... because they've got me a little worried.
So - that is my update... I am in cycle-limbo....
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Old Hope Renewed
First - lets talk about the baby shower...
My new friend was so sweet - she prayed for me before we went into the shower, and was a great source of support throughout. Although - I didn't need a hand to squeeze, or a shoulder to cry on....
It was a very big shower - lots of people!! So, Mom-To-Be pretty much spent the whole shower opening gifts... and because there were so many people... it wasn't the quiet "lets ooh and aah over every gift" type of shower. While she was opening gifts, we were playing games - guess how much string would wrap around her belly, don't say "baby, girl, Mom-To-Be's name, Dad-To-Be's name" or your clothes peg will be taken, and three woman raced to see who could finish a bottle full of juice first - by bottle, I mean - teat and all, of course!
The only twinge of sadness I felt, was when I noticed two newly pregnant women - and people were touching their bellies... that made me remember my situation and I felt a littleresentful.jealous.. but really, other than a couple of moments...I actually had fun. Not - jump around and sing type of fun, but, chat and relax fun.
I feel like I've come a long way - considering the moment I opened her baby registry I balled my eyes out!!
So, here's what I have to say to doubt, fear, infertility, BFN's....
a few weeks ago our pastor preached about fear... and the sermon really hit home for me.
My new friend was so sweet - she prayed for me before we went into the shower, and was a great source of support throughout. Although - I didn't need a hand to squeeze, or a shoulder to cry on....
It was a very big shower - lots of people!! So, Mom-To-Be pretty much spent the whole shower opening gifts... and because there were so many people... it wasn't the quiet "lets ooh and aah over every gift" type of shower. While she was opening gifts, we were playing games - guess how much string would wrap around her belly, don't say "baby, girl, Mom-To-Be's name, Dad-To-Be's name" or your clothes peg will be taken, and three woman raced to see who could finish a bottle full of juice first - by bottle, I mean - teat and all, of course!
The only twinge of sadness I felt, was when I noticed two newly pregnant women - and people were touching their bellies... that made me remember my situation and I felt a little
I feel like I've come a long way - considering the moment I opened her baby registry I balled my eyes out!!
So, here's what I have to say to doubt, fear, infertility, BFN's....
now to explain where this "new" attitude comes from.*
a few weeks ago our pastor preached about fear... and the sermon really hit home for me.
i have been reminded of how faithful my God**. when i needed a way out of durban, and then johannesburg, God didn't just bring me here to learn and experience life to its fullest, He introduced me to the man of my dreams. when we realized we should try to buy a house, rather than continue renting, God provided a way... (i am still in awe of how we've been blessed, and still cant believe that we were home owners at 23 years old.) when my friends mother was overcome by a life of addiction, God didnt just answer our prayers to help her turn her life back around, He put people in her life that would help lead her to Him.
yes - our prayers for a child have still not been answered, there are other prayers too... but, the one thing about all of these acts of God... they happened in His time.... but it's not even about the timing, it's about the fact that He is faithful, He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
therefore, what do i have to fear?
ive realized that the reason why its difficult for me to be around pregnant women, or talk about babies, etc is because i become griped by a fear so strong and so powerful that it threatens to suffocate me and swallow me whole. this fear is a fear that i will never get to experience that - never feel a baby move in my belly... never get to hear my baby's heartbeat...
one particular blogger, my favorite in fact, mentioned in one of posts that if she just knew...that somewhere down the line she would get pregnant... then it would all be okay ... it wouldnt be so difficult if she just knew that her dream would come true....
that's what my faith has given me - i do know that i will get pregnant in the future.... because God hears my prayers and He has been faithful in the past, and i trust that He will be faithful again.
yes... perhaps God's plan for my life does not involve getting pregnant... and if that is the case, He will give me the strength to get through it, and whatever His plan is, will turn out to be so much better and happier than my plan anyways... so i'm okay with that too.
but for now, because i still have this strong desire in my heart, and because God hasnt opened any other doors ...(there is no possible way that we could afford fertility treatments or adoption, so natural conception is our only option at this point) i believe that i will be pregnant.... maybe not this month, or next month, maybe not next year even... but just knowing that my prayers will be answered - is enough for now. this is not all for nothing.
so - there you have it.
the source of my renewed hope - i named this post old hope renewed, because my hope in God is not new, but it has been renewed, and i have a much deeper, clearer understanding of it now.
of course - BFN's will still suck, and AF will always bring some sadness.... but i do feel like i can be happy again... and i feel stronger and more hopeful than i have in quite some time.
sorry for the long post... and i know that not all of you are spiritual or religious, and i respect that, i just wanted to share what has helped me come to terms with the sadness and fear that "infertility" brings.
baby dust and sticky vibes to all of you! may you be filled with renewed hope too!
*yes - i've decided to give up capitalizing letters...
** yes - that is the one exception to my new no-caps approach to blogging
Monday, April 4, 2011
Tagalong Fun
Because this blog is rather private...I realize that those of you who DO read it, do not know much about me... so after reading my new choc buddy's blog, I decided to join the fun and participate in the 'Tagalong'.
1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?
I have two dogs, and a cat (who is currently missing...). They are most definitely part of the family!!
2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?
To have a large happy family! A family that is close and will remain close even when we are gone...
3. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Take a year off of work and travel the world! Then come home and buy our dream house!
4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
A hot cup of tea...And snuggle time with my DH!
5. What are your earliest memories?
They're bad ones... involving my dysfunctional family.
6. How did you meet your significant other?
Through mutual friends - who we are no longer friends with! :P But - we flirted over a game of pictionary and the rest is history!
7. What kind of books do you read?
I read all kinds of books - I love James Patterson (who doesn't), I also love Terry Pratchet and Jodi Picoult. I also enjoyed the Twilight books, the Harry Potter books, and the Sookie Stackhouse books. (excuse the spelling - I'm supposed to be doing school work...so I'm being EXTRA lazy... avoiding spell check and correct grammar)
8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?
A fun, effective teacher with three or four children, in a comfortable house.
9. What’s your fear?
Snakes... and heights/falling
10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space?
I have an extreme fear of heights (or of falling maybe??) so, I don't think so. Also - I really enjoy junk food!!
11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Check my email/twitter/facebook.... then....coffeecoffeecoffeecoffee
12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be?
I'd give him a new back - he has back problems and it causes him a great deal of pain when it acts up... I hate it, because there is nothing I can do to help -- and... I sometimes feel like I'm married to an 80 year old man, rather than a 25 year old.
13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
Abigail ... Abby for short... or something like that with the option of a cool shortened nickname...
14. What are your pet peeves?
I HATE hearing what's going on in other people's mouths... chewing, teeth cleaning... eugh!!
15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?
OOooh...that's difficult - I'm not sure I could eat ONE thing for 6 months... I'd get thoroughly bored and sick of it. But, if I HAD to ... I like missohkay's answer - potatoes. (mashed, fries, baked.... some variety)
16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?
Feeling like I am normal - connecting with people who feel just like me about certain things.... before I started blogging and getting involved in the IF community, I felt so alone and abnormal.
17. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A teacher (I am now studying to be one).
18. Do you have any recurring dreams?
Nope.
19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go?
Mountains. I enjoy the beach, but get pretty bored of it - and I hate sand, it always seems to get everywhere...
20. What show/movie did you love as a child that, turns out, is really terrible to watch as an adult?
The Spice Girls Movie...okay, maybe I knew it was terrible... let's see if there is anything else... Oh - I like Bad Girls (cow-girl movie) and tried to watch it as an adult... was pretty terrible.
Consider yourself tagged. Enjoy.
P.S: New post about the shower coming soon - when I'm not rushed because I'm actually procrastinating and putting off school work....
1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?
I have two dogs, and a cat (who is currently missing...). They are most definitely part of the family!!
2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?
To have a large happy family! A family that is close and will remain close even when we are gone...
3. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Take a year off of work and travel the world! Then come home and buy our dream house!
4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
A hot cup of tea...And snuggle time with my DH!
5. What are your earliest memories?
They're bad ones... involving my dysfunctional family.
6. How did you meet your significant other?
Through mutual friends - who we are no longer friends with! :P But - we flirted over a game of pictionary and the rest is history!
7. What kind of books do you read?
I read all kinds of books - I love James Patterson (who doesn't), I also love Terry Pratchet and Jodi Picoult. I also enjoyed the Twilight books, the Harry Potter books, and the Sookie Stackhouse books. (excuse the spelling - I'm supposed to be doing school work...so I'm being EXTRA lazy... avoiding spell check and correct grammar)
8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?
A fun, effective teacher with three or four children, in a comfortable house.
9. What’s your fear?
Snakes... and heights/falling
10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space?
I have an extreme fear of heights (or of falling maybe??) so, I don't think so. Also - I really enjoy junk food!!
11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Check my email/twitter/facebook.... then....coffeecoffeecoffeecoffee
12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be?
I'd give him a new back - he has back problems and it causes him a great deal of pain when it acts up... I hate it, because there is nothing I can do to help -- and... I sometimes feel like I'm married to an 80 year old man, rather than a 25 year old.
13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
Abigail ... Abby for short... or something like that with the option of a cool shortened nickname...
14. What are your pet peeves?
I HATE hearing what's going on in other people's mouths... chewing, teeth cleaning... eugh!!
15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?
OOooh...that's difficult - I'm not sure I could eat ONE thing for 6 months... I'd get thoroughly bored and sick of it. But, if I HAD to ... I like missohkay's answer - potatoes. (mashed, fries, baked.... some variety)
16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?
Feeling like I am normal - connecting with people who feel just like me about certain things.... before I started blogging and getting involved in the IF community, I felt so alone and abnormal.
17. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A teacher (I am now studying to be one).
18. Do you have any recurring dreams?
Nope.
19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go?
Mountains. I enjoy the beach, but get pretty bored of it - and I hate sand, it always seems to get everywhere...
20. What show/movie did you love as a child that, turns out, is really terrible to watch as an adult?
The Spice Girls Movie...okay, maybe I knew it was terrible... let's see if there is anything else... Oh - I like Bad Girls (cow-girl movie) and tried to watch it as an adult... was pretty terrible.
Consider yourself tagged. Enjoy.
P.S: New post about the shower coming soon - when I'm not rushed because I'm actually procrastinating and putting off school work....
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
I am ready for this.... aren't I?
So, this Saturday is the baby shower of the mom-to-be half of The Couple.
I amnervous scared terrified!! I believe I am ready for it - I am in a good emotional place in my journey...
BUT...
I think I am afraid of breaking down.... I do not want to run out of the room crying....
One good aspect of the shower -- a friend is coming with, and although she is related, and good friends, with the mom-to-be, she also understands my situation, and knows that I'm feeling anxious about the shower. So, I will have some moral support - someone's hand to squeeze if I'm feeling like I might lose it...
She is a new friend, and it's kind of ridiculous how excited I am to have a friend!! A real friend!!
Okay - I have many GREAT friends back home - but after living here for five years, I have only made one really good friend, and she left the country to go home; that was four years ago... so it's been a while since I've had a close friend, besides DH.
Back to my new friend - she is literally God-sent. She reached out to me when I was in a really low place, and things just lined up perfectly for our friendship to grow. It's actually even more than that...
I was talking to DH last night - about my new friend... because she made it clear that our friendship means a lot to her too when I told my ladies bible study about my anxiety about the shower (I cried...and hated that I did)... she said that she would be there and if I needed a break, she knows the venue well, and knows where we can go to "dance it off" (we have a common love for dancing, and specifically playing kinect dance games)... The fact that she offered to leave the shower, for me - if I needed a moment away... means so much to me (remember the mom-to-be and her are friends, and related).
Back to my point - I was telling DH how happy I was to finally have a real friend here, and then I realized that it was something I had been longing for and wanted so badly - yet, I hadn't actually prayed about it. So I turned to DH and asked him if he's ever had unprayered prayers answered... and I told him that I've had a few...
First - him... I wasn't really looking for marriage, but real love was something I have wanted my whole life and had never found, and although at first I was scared at the prospect of getting married so quickly... it was an unprayered prayer answered - I had found the man of my dreams - without praying for him.
Then - my new friend. I was lonely, in terms of girl friends, and had tried to make girl friends for years. But, I had never prayed for it.
DH casually says - I prayed for you to find a friend, because I knew how much you wanted it.
He also mentioned a while back how he had prayed for my faith to be restored, because he knew I used to be involved in church, but then left and really wanted nothing to do with church or faith. And now I'm at such a good place in my faith journey - having never known that he was praying for me the whole time!!!
It made me realize how lucky I am to have him in my life - he's more than I could ever have prayed for! Just as my friend is already more than I could have prayed for! God always answers prayers... even if they aren't yours.
I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband. His strong faith never ceases to amaze me! Neither does his grace and love.
I will try to remember these blessings when I am sitting and celebrating someone else's blessing on Saturday.
I am
BUT...
I think I am afraid of breaking down.... I do not want to run out of the room crying....
One good aspect of the shower -- a friend is coming with, and although she is related, and good friends, with the mom-to-be, she also understands my situation, and knows that I'm feeling anxious about the shower. So, I will have some moral support - someone's hand to squeeze if I'm feeling like I might lose it...
She is a new friend, and it's kind of ridiculous how excited I am to have a friend!! A real friend!!
Okay - I have many GREAT friends back home - but after living here for five years, I have only made one really good friend, and she left the country to go home; that was four years ago... so it's been a while since I've had a close friend, besides DH.
Back to my new friend - she is literally God-sent. She reached out to me when I was in a really low place, and things just lined up perfectly for our friendship to grow. It's actually even more than that...
I was talking to DH last night - about my new friend... because she made it clear that our friendship means a lot to her too when I told my ladies bible study about my anxiety about the shower (I cried...and hated that I did)... she said that she would be there and if I needed a break, she knows the venue well, and knows where we can go to "dance it off" (we have a common love for dancing, and specifically playing kinect dance games)... The fact that she offered to leave the shower, for me - if I needed a moment away... means so much to me (remember the mom-to-be and her are friends, and related).
Back to my point - I was telling DH how happy I was to finally have a real friend here, and then I realized that it was something I had been longing for and wanted so badly - yet, I hadn't actually prayed about it. So I turned to DH and asked him if he's ever had unprayered prayers answered... and I told him that I've had a few...
First - him... I wasn't really looking for marriage, but real love was something I have wanted my whole life and had never found, and although at first I was scared at the prospect of getting married so quickly... it was an unprayered prayer answered - I had found the man of my dreams - without praying for him.
Then - my new friend. I was lonely, in terms of girl friends, and had tried to make girl friends for years. But, I had never prayed for it.
DH casually says - I prayed for you to find a friend, because I knew how much you wanted it.
He also mentioned a while back how he had prayed for my faith to be restored, because he knew I used to be involved in church, but then left and really wanted nothing to do with church or faith. And now I'm at such a good place in my faith journey - having never known that he was praying for me the whole time!!!
It made me realize how lucky I am to have him in my life - he's more than I could ever have prayed for! Just as my friend is already more than I could have prayed for! God always answers prayers... even if they aren't yours.
I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband. His strong faith never ceases to amaze me! Neither does his grace and love.
I will try to remember these blessings when I am sitting and celebrating someone else's blessing on Saturday.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Let me tell you about my mother-in-law...
Okay,
First, I just want to say that I love my in-laws, they are very generous and always mean well. They are pretty much all the family I have nearby and they have always been financially supportive of DH and I - which we are forever grateful for!!
Of course, they're not my parents, and therefore there are certain aspects of their personalities that get a little annoying - it's the same with my dad - we don't always get along.
My mother, on the other hand, is very supportive in whatever I want to do or pursue. She is easy to get along with, and really - I don't think there is any character trait I do not like/love in my mother. This is a hard act for my mother-in-law (MIL) to follow.
My MIL is paranoid, anxious, set in her ways, opinionated, and somewhat blunt/brash. This is very different to what I'm used to - also, she comes across as non-supportive because she just says the first thing that comes to mind. She also seems to be afraid of change...
When DH and I decided to try and get pregnant, I told him to tell his mother... he told me that he had, when in fact he hadn't (he knows his mom well I suppose).
After trying for five months, I was 10 days late...I was never late*!! But, home pregnancy tests (HPT) were all negative. So, we went to MIL to ask her advice; should I go get blood drawn or wait?
She knew immediately what we were going to tell her - and started practically yelling "NO! NO! NO! NO!". Here I am - hoping and praying that this is it... and she's freaking out. She was convinced that it wasn't a good time for us to be pregnant - we were busy buying a house ....
When AF arrived the next morning - I was devastated!! It was one of the worst days of my life!! Even though I was not officially pregnant, I thought I was...and so it felt like a loss, not a disappointment. I told DH to phone MIL and tell her. We saw them that night.... all she said to me was - "thank you for letting me know"...and that was that.
Three months later, someone in the family who had just had a baby said to me "...it's your turn next"...
My MIL responded with : "NO! Don't say that!" In a very panicked tone.
Sometime after that... we arrived at my in-laws house without our dogs (whom we sometimes take over to visit), and FIL said "I didn't hear the pitter patter of little feet"...and she quickly said "Don't say that!"...
It is clear that she doesn't think we are ready to start a family... but, these little comments tear me up inside and really hurt.
She hasn't said anything recently - but DH and I agreed that if she does, he will let her know that it's inappropriate and she needs to stop.
But...
The other day we were talking about our tax refund and what we're going to do with it - FIL said something in regard to a trip back "home" (to my home country) --- which is something I really want to do because I haven't been "home" to see my family or friends for almost 5 years--- and she said "No! You don't need to do that right now."
Maybe I'm being silly, but that really hurt my feelings...
First off - who is she to tell us what we should do with our money...
Second - If I were to take her son to another country and he didn't visit her for 5 years, she would be a mess!
Through all of this - and some bible studies and prayer - I have come to understand that we cannot put special expectations on family, just because they're family. They are still people who can be selfish, insensitive, and rude... the only difference is, they are family - so they are around more often and feel that they can be themselves and not worry about being rude.
My in-laws cannot replace my family whom are far away, and they will not fill the void that is left because I can't see and spend time with my family. I just have to accept them for who and what they are.... and be grateful for the support that they do offer!
This can be difficult because I am a people-pleaser. I want to make people happy and I hate not being liked or having people upset with me... but at the end of the day, I cannot let this affect my life or my happiness. So I am choosing to ignore her, and be firm in my belief that her opinion doesn't matter.
Thanks for reading my vent-post!! :)
Take care!
*Now it seems that I am late every third cycle or so! Typical!
First, I just want to say that I love my in-laws, they are very generous and always mean well. They are pretty much all the family I have nearby and they have always been financially supportive of DH and I - which we are forever grateful for!!
Of course, they're not my parents, and therefore there are certain aspects of their personalities that get a little annoying - it's the same with my dad - we don't always get along.
My mother, on the other hand, is very supportive in whatever I want to do or pursue. She is easy to get along with, and really - I don't think there is any character trait I do not like/love in my mother. This is a hard act for my mother-in-law (MIL) to follow.
My MIL is paranoid, anxious, set in her ways, opinionated, and somewhat blunt/brash. This is very different to what I'm used to - also, she comes across as non-supportive because she just says the first thing that comes to mind. She also seems to be afraid of change...
When DH and I decided to try and get pregnant, I told him to tell his mother... he told me that he had, when in fact he hadn't (he knows his mom well I suppose).
After trying for five months, I was 10 days late...I was never late*!! But, home pregnancy tests (HPT) were all negative. So, we went to MIL to ask her advice; should I go get blood drawn or wait?
She knew immediately what we were going to tell her - and started practically yelling "NO! NO! NO! NO!". Here I am - hoping and praying that this is it... and she's freaking out. She was convinced that it wasn't a good time for us to be pregnant - we were busy buying a house ....
When AF arrived the next morning - I was devastated!! It was one of the worst days of my life!! Even though I was not officially pregnant, I thought I was...and so it felt like a loss, not a disappointment. I told DH to phone MIL and tell her. We saw them that night.... all she said to me was - "thank you for letting me know"...and that was that.
Three months later, someone in the family who had just had a baby said to me "...it's your turn next"...
My MIL responded with : "NO! Don't say that!" In a very panicked tone.
Sometime after that... we arrived at my in-laws house without our dogs (whom we sometimes take over to visit), and FIL said "I didn't hear the pitter patter of little feet"...and she quickly said "Don't say that!"...
It is clear that she doesn't think we are ready to start a family... but, these little comments tear me up inside and really hurt.
She hasn't said anything recently - but DH and I agreed that if she does, he will let her know that it's inappropriate and she needs to stop.
But...
The other day we were talking about our tax refund and what we're going to do with it - FIL said something in regard to a trip back "home" (to my home country) --- which is something I really want to do because I haven't been "home" to see my family or friends for almost 5 years--- and she said "No! You don't need to do that right now."
Maybe I'm being silly, but that really hurt my feelings...
First off - who is she to tell us what we should do with our money...
Second - If I were to take her son to another country and he didn't visit her for 5 years, she would be a mess!
Through all of this - and some bible studies and prayer - I have come to understand that we cannot put special expectations on family, just because they're family. They are still people who can be selfish, insensitive, and rude... the only difference is, they are family - so they are around more often and feel that they can be themselves and not worry about being rude.
My in-laws cannot replace my family whom are far away, and they will not fill the void that is left because I can't see and spend time with my family. I just have to accept them for who and what they are.... and be grateful for the support that they do offer!
This can be difficult because I am a people-pleaser. I want to make people happy and I hate not being liked or having people upset with me... but at the end of the day, I cannot let this affect my life or my happiness. So I am choosing to ignore her, and be firm in my belief that her opinion doesn't matter.
Thanks for reading my vent-post!! :)
Take care!
*Now it seems that I am late every third cycle or so! Typical!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
I Need a Compass
So - while trying to wade through these murky waters of what some refer to as infertility* (I don't really like to think of myself as infertile) I have been forced to take a closer look at my faith, and what exactly I believe in regard to miracles, God's will, God's blessings, prayer... everything.
From my understanding of faith and our Heavenly Father - we should all pray for God's will to be done in our lives, because His plan is so much greater than our plans. The problem with this, or what makes this difficult, is our free will... and our personal hopes and dreams for our lives. I want to have 2 children before I am 30 years old... but, what if God's plan is different? If it is, what exactly do I pray for- what I want? Or for God's will be done? What if they're not the same?
I suppose it all comes down to trust. We need to trust that God wants the same things we want, and that He truly knows best and knows the desires of our heart.
"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4
" In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will" Ephesians 1:11
So... from my understanding... and what I believe...
We are to ask God for the desires of our heart, and He will bless us in His perfect time, according to His plan - and if we are faithful and trust in Him, He will give us our hearts desires...
His plan for our lives may be predestined, but I believe that God also hears our prayers, and will work everything out for the best.
Now, over the next six months, my hearts desire is, of course, to get pregnant - but also to grow closer to God, and be still in His presence and hopefully discern His will for our lives. Do we get tested after six months, what if something is wrong, what if nothing is wrong... what is the direction God wants us to take with the answers to these questions.
I think things are slowly getting clearer...
I pray that I will not need to answer those last two questions... I pray that God would bless us with a family of our own, that this would be a part of His plan, and if not, that He would work it out for the glory of His name and His kingdom... for the purpose of His will. I pray for strength, peace, patience, and direction for today, tomorrow, and the future.
*"Infertility: The diminished ability or the inability to conceive and have offspring. Infertility is also defined in specific terms as the failure to conceive after a year of regular intercourse without contraception." (According to medicinenet.com
From my understanding of faith and our Heavenly Father - we should all pray for God's will to be done in our lives, because His plan is so much greater than our plans. The problem with this, or what makes this difficult, is our free will... and our personal hopes and dreams for our lives. I want to have 2 children before I am 30 years old... but, what if God's plan is different? If it is, what exactly do I pray for- what I want? Or for God's will be done? What if they're not the same?
I suppose it all comes down to trust. We need to trust that God wants the same things we want, and that He truly knows best and knows the desires of our heart.
"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4
" In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will" Ephesians 1:11
So... from my understanding... and what I believe...
We are to ask God for the desires of our heart, and He will bless us in His perfect time, according to His plan - and if we are faithful and trust in Him, He will give us our hearts desires...
His plan for our lives may be predestined, but I believe that God also hears our prayers, and will work everything out for the best.
Now, over the next six months, my hearts desire is, of course, to get pregnant - but also to grow closer to God, and be still in His presence and hopefully discern His will for our lives. Do we get tested after six months, what if something is wrong, what if nothing is wrong... what is the direction God wants us to take with the answers to these questions.
I think things are slowly getting clearer...
I pray that I will not need to answer those last two questions... I pray that God would bless us with a family of our own, that this would be a part of His plan, and if not, that He would work it out for the glory of His name and His kingdom... for the purpose of His will. I pray for strength, peace, patience, and direction for today, tomorrow, and the future.
*"Infertility: The diminished ability or the inability to conceive and have offspring. Infertility is also defined in specific terms as the failure to conceive after a year of regular intercourse without contraception." (According to medicinenet.com
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