Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Deep breaths

Okay, this is my first personal post - which is not a letter to our unborn child of the future....

I don't like to complain about other people, but as anyone who has been TTC for years knows - sometimes it's necessary; in order to hold onto a shred of sanity.

The couple I mentioned in my previous letter is now almost 2.5 months or 3 months along... and it's already very difficult to be around them.
It is super frustrating, because it makes me so sad, among other things... but mostly - I'm jealous! Which is not right, because I know God has a plan for us!

I am currently in CD27 ... I am so grateful for ovulation tests because we used them for the first time this month, and lo and behold - I ovulated a week late... so although I am "three-days-late" for AF... I know that in fact I am due for an AF a week later than I should have been. This will be the third time I am "late" for over a week... so I am super grateful for the tests, because otherwise I'd be dying to POAS!

I wonder why I have ovulated late... the first time was over 18 months ago... and the second time was 3 months ago... (Well, I don't know that I ovulated late those times, but I was 10/14 days late each time and then AF came along).

Anyways... I am not feeling too emotional at the moment. I'm hoping to avoid the AF-meltdown this month. As always - preparing for the worst, but hoping and praying for the best! :)

Baby dust to all those TTC out there! :)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Learning to wait..

Our angel, whom we have yet to "receive" and already love so much,

It has been a difficult journey learning to trust God and wait for you. However, your dad and I have grown so much through this trial! Grown as people, grown in Christ, and grown as a couple. I feel like our relationship has been renewed! It's an awesome place to be, and we are fully aware that God's plan is perfect and his timing is too. I believe we needed to go through this to grow the way that we have and become the people we are today, so that we are better prepared to be parents and raise a child in God.

Our patience, or should I say MY patience was tested a little bit this past week. We have been attending a particular church for over three years now, and in the past year this church received a new pastor. Through the new pastor (although we loved the old one) and through the fellowship of the young adults and a young couple in particular we have grown so much in faith and have rededicated our lives to Christ and are starting to make the changes necessary to truly live in Him. Well, a number of months ago the pastor asked us and this other young couple whether we were planning on having children, and we said that we have been trying, and they said that they want children, just not quite yet.
Well, this past week that couple shared the news that they are expecting their little angel. It was just such a shock that sent me into a bit of a downward spiral. I was having all these horrible feelings and emotions that I knew were wrong, but couldn't control. I prayed continuously for God to help me be happy for them (although I know that I was... but that happiness was buried deep below feelings of jealousy, bitterness, anger, sadness, fear...) and trust in His plan for my life and not compare my journey with this wonderful Godly woman's.

I spoke with my pastor's wife and she prayed with me too and helped me to not feel alone. I am normally strong in my faith that God will bless us when it's His time - the right time, yet every now and then there is a bit of a bump, that causes me to doubt my resilience and my faith a little. However, I feel that I am better prepared for the rest of the journey and I'm excited for it; because I know God will bless us with you!

Your loving, and patient, mom.