Friday, June 17, 2011


hi everyone...

just a quick note... i am moving my blog to wordpress.... i hope you will like my blog's new home and sign up for an email subscription.... or add it to your rss feed....

without further ado... here is my new blog!

let me know what you think! :)

Friday, June 10, 2011

Shout Out (Praise Post)

i have a lot to praise God for:
a wonderful husband
a great job
the opportunity to study and fulfill my dream of being a teacher
my house
my family
my friends
much more

however, at the moment, i have nothing ttc related to praise about (besides af arriving without the need for meds)...

but... there has been a great deal of good news for my tweeps i want to dedicate this post to them and their success, and i want them to know that i'm rooting and praying for them and their growing miracles!!

first is one of the first ttc tweeps i began following on twitter... she's been a great source of support and encouragement. and she's introduced me to many fun canadian tweeps... please go and check out Andrea's blog : Tales From A Locked Womb.

the next is one my favorite ttc bloggers - i discovered her blog and read it from beginning to present in the span of a couple of days... she's witty and always has me lol'ing! check out Elphaba's blog- Yolk: A blog about eggs and sperm.

then there are a couple of other great bloggers who have been around the block and back in their efforts ttc...  Jay @ The 2 Week Wait (who hasn't even blogged about her good news yet bec it's so new!! SO excited for her...she is super funny too...look for her post about IF greeting cards)...and last but def. not least, Laura who blogs with Jen @ A Little Barefoot.

yes, there is always a twinge of jealousy when others get their bfp's... but i can say without a doubt that i am truly and passionately happy and excited for these ladies, because i know that they have each been through a lot and deserve this, and will appreciate it, as much as i will when it is my turn. all of this good news also renews my hope.... 

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

And - round one goes to....

.... i don't know who, but definitely not me.


taking the clo.mid really got my hopes up... even the hot flushes were bearable because, let's face it - anything is bearable if it will get me pregnant at this point.

so, i spent the month tracking my temperature, examining my saliva, using OPK's (if you're a new follower - there is a list of TTC acronyms conveniently located on the right hand side of my blog for reference), and attempting to track CM.

i used OPK's from cycle day 6 all the way through cycle day 22/23... and some days I tested twice - for fear of missing ovulation... lo and behold - all negative...

i'm beginning to feel like the positive ovulation test has become as elusive as a positive pregnancy test.

it was the first time i tracked my temperature, so i had nothing to compare it to, but i did not detect a rise in temperature that lasted three or four days - which is generally the rule of thumb for detecting that ovulation has occurred. I also only detected slight ferning with my saliva scope, but nothing to indicate ovulation.

so - even with the 50mg of clo.mid, my body is not cooperating and not ovulating...


there is a mild "bright side" to this past cycle - AF arrived all on her own, without being medically induced with progesterone pills...AND, on cycle day 28!! (which has been my shortest cycle in months! before starting the clo.mid my cycles were 40+ days long)
okay, she did arrived in the middle of a wedding reception, however - it was a bittersweet "homecoming"...
i'm hoping that it is a good sign ... that my body is getting back on track...

so, last night i started round two of clo.mid... still on 50mg, but we're hoping that because AF arrived on her own, that this small act of compliance is a sign that my body is ready to cooperate!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Our Next Step

CD4 that i've gotten that vent post out of my system, i figure it's time to fill you in on where we are at right now...

a friend of mine gave me some material to read, from when she was studying -- it was an article about barren women in the Bible... it was really interesting and talks about how the male heroes in the bible were often conceived by barren women who went through similar journeys to conception.

the most important aspect of this article to me, was the fact that every one of these women took action -- they did not just sit back and say "God will take care of it"... they did petition God and get upset and plead and asked Him to remember them and bless them, etc... but they also took action and fought to have children. Many of them used surrogates (their maidservants)... and one in particular even tried mandrakes (which was considered medicinal in those days)...

so.. this helped me to decide that i can not just sit back and do nothing anymore... i need to take action -- my fear of disappointing God, or making the wrong choice is causing me to not act at all... and after reading the article, i feel that this is not the wrong choice anymore... and the worst case scenario is that i am making a mistake and perhaps this is not what God wants for me - but i know that God will make it right anyway, he will work it out for His glory... and He's not going to stop loving me if i make a mistake - my past has proven this - He is faithful!!

so... i called my obgyn on monday and she sent the prescription through, and i began clo.mid yesterday (on CD3)... 50mg for 5 days for two cycles (hopefully i'll only need it for one)... and then 100mg for another cycle... (again...hopefully we won't get to the third cycle)....

i have also decided that if we do get to that third cycle - i will go and see an re.... just to take a look at my insides and make sure nothing is blocked up or in the wrong place or anything like that... if everything looks good... i may try to convince dh to get his "army" checked out.... and if everything still looks good - i think we'll try clo.mid for another couple cycles and perhaps get blood work done throughout to gain some insight too...

iui and ivf are out of the question for us - we cannot afford $10,000 per attempt....

so...although we are using medication, we are still putting our hope and trust in God... He is always in control...

i am secretly hoping for twins (because on clo.mid there is a chance of twins or triplets, because it increases ovulation).... but feel that it is a little greedy... of course, i will be overly ecstatic with just one healthy egg/follicle/embryo/baby....

i came across this video on a blog i was looking over, and it had me balling.... not even for myself, but for all those around the world struggling with infertility, multiple pregnancy losses, physically not being able to have children, etc.... it breaks my heart, because i know the pain i feel, and it cannot compare to what some women and couples are going through....

warning: if you watch the video - be sure to have tissues handy...

so - please pray for us.... i am hoping and praying that clo.mid will "do the trick"... especially since i did not ovulate (we believe) last cycle...perhaps ovulating has been the issue the whole time!?

Monday, May 9, 2011

It is not obsession by choice...

okay, so the other day i was talking to dh about the silly things people say in regard to our difficult journey ttc... and he said something that at first really hurt my feelings, but when i understood what he was actually saying... i had a moment of clarity.

when i talk to people about our struggles, in their eyes - it may seem that i am obsessing about everything... because, yes, there are a few people who know about our struggles, and when i talk to them, i don't ever have any news, besides what's happening with me in regard to how i'm feeling at that moment about my journey...

so - for those of you who are not having trouble ttc or have never had trouble ttc...let me share a little glimpse into my life - and how this journey affects me every single day... so that hopefully you'll get a better idea of why it may seem that i am obsessing, when in fact it is just a very prominent part of my life - not by choice...because believe me (and i think i speak for most of those ttc for 2+ years) if i could ignore it or "relax" (as so many people ignorantly suggest) i would...

everyday my alarm wakes me up at 6am - saturdays and sundays included - so that i can take my bbt... i have to turn my alarm off and turn on my thermometer with as little movement as possible and take my temperature (in order for it to accurately take my bbt - i need to be very relaxed and essentially still half asleep).... then i have to wake up enough to read the thermometer and record the temperature. i do this in the hopes that my bbt chart will give me some insight into when i am ovulating, so that i can ensure that dh and i bd at the right time.

once i've taken my temperature, i use my finger to swab some saliva from under my tongue and spread it onto my ovulation scope (which is a tiny microscope) and let it dry for 5 - 10 minutes, at which time i can look into the scope and determine what pattern my dried saliva is making. if it looks like a fern - then i am most likely getting ready to ovulate. you may think - well, aren't you taking you charting your bbt to determine when you're ovulating...? well - yes i am, but this works best when you have other methods for detection to help "back up" your chart.

once i actually officially wake up, i get ready for work, or for the day. i will have a cup of coffee - i can't do this without considering the fact that we are ttc - because i shouldn't really be having coffee at all, but if i do, i only have one small cup and then i have to make sure that i do not have any other caffeine during the day. i am also trying to lower my sugar intake - so i am now having less sugar in my coffee- because i read that high level of sugars can contribute to PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome)...and this may or may not be true - but i'll do whatever it takes to increase my odds - also, it'd just be in my best interest to lower my sugar intake - to be healthier...

at the end of the day, i like to take a really hot shower... i have always loved hot showers - better yet, a nice long soak in a hot bath tub... however, after ovulation... during the 2ww when i may be pregnant...i cannot have a hot bath or a hot shower - because this can raise your body temperature too much and this is dangerous for pregnant women. so, due to the fact that ovulation is such a tricky thing to pin-point....i try to refrain from hot showers all together... so, every time i take a shower, i am reminded that i have to be very careful of how hot i make the water, and if i indulge in some hot water, i need to be very careful of how long i do so for.

this brings me to a very important point --- what most people don't understand, is that when you are ttc... for at least 2 weeks of every month, you have to live like you're pregnant, because you just may be -- and for many women ttc.... it's easier to live that way all month (except perhaps during the time af is here... because that is a time when you know you're definitely not pregnant).

so - that means being careful of what you eat -- on top of not being able to eat things that pregnant women can't also need to consider what is, and is not, healthy to eat when you're trying to get pregnant. so - no soft cheeses or dairy that is unpasteurized (such as feta, brie, and blue cheese) , no fishy fish (or fish/seafood high in mercury), no alcohol, avoid hot dogs, avoid lunch meat, and of course - no caffeine (which i'm still working on).

this of course means that every time i am faced with a choice of what to eat, i need to consider all these things....  

then of course - i take a prenatal multi-vitamin... because many of the vitamins one needs during pregnancy, help with fertility and also - because i never know when i will in fact get pregnant, i want to ensure i am getting all the vitamins i need for a healthy pregnancy ---- just in case.

i'm not going to go into details about how bd needs to be timed just right during my cycle ... and also - needs to occur as often as possible prior to and during ovulation... so there is no (or very little) spontaneous and romantic bd'ing happening... and because everything is "scheduled" it has to be thought about and discussed... it's not something one can just "relax" and forget about.... contrary to popular belief... you cannot get pregnant at just any time of the month... there is a somewhat small window of opportunity in which one can fall pregnant.... and when you've been trying for over a year... you are going to do whatever you can to increase your chances of conceiving - even if that means standing on your head after db'ing (which is actually not helpful -- but elevating one's legs and putting a pillow under one's butt/hips will help those "little-guys" along...)

these are just the formalities we endure in our hopes to become pregnant - of course there is also the emotional roller-coaster ride that accompanies these... and often this is what we talk to our family and friends about -- because, although we wish it were different, nothing else in our lives really compares to what we're going through with this ongoing battle....

yes, the cat went missing and i'm heart broken, also my friend got engaged, and another friend is getting ready to get married and we've been celebrating with bridal showers etc, and yes, i am turning 25 soon, yes i am growing in my faith thanks to some wonderful women and a weekly bible study, yes, we were asked to become leaders of our church's young adults couple's group, and yes -- these things are happening and i'm more than happy to share that... but ultimately, none of it really compares to the depths of our feelings and desire to become pregnant.well - maybe it compares, but if we've told you of our struggle, it's because we want to be able to share it with you and maybe just vent a little and get some support - we don't want advice or for you to try and fix anything... we just want to know that you care and understand how difficult it is for us.

so, if we seem a little obsessive... please forgive us, but unfortunately this journey requires that you go "all-in" - emotionally and physically.

i would like to mention that all of these things that i endure every month in order to increase my chances - is nothing compared to what other women are enduring while undergoing IUI or IVF -- which includes multiple doctor visits and injecting themselves multiple times a month....

next time someone confides in you, with regard to their struggles trying to conceive, remember that it may seem easy for you to think that we are obsessing and should "just relax" - however, it is not that simple -- and we can't help that this is something we think about almost 24/7... i know that i am trying my very best to put it out of my mind during the time that i'm not eating, waking up, showering, or bd'ing.... but sometimes it's a losing battle.... i wish it were possible to "relax" and stop thinking about it for a few days!!!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Seeing my doctor

last week was really weird for me - looking back, i feel like i was on auto-pilot the whole time! i had three social "outings" - a ladies bible study, a trip with a friend to get ice-cream, and a bridal shower... but i couldn't quite participate at 100%... and i left all three of them feeling kinda empty... except the bible study, although i wasn't really participating, i did tell them about my current cycle debacle, and a few of the girls offered to go with me to the doctor to help me stand up for myself and not feel bullied - which i appreciated so much i can't even begin to explain!

anyways - because i was feeling bloated, sensitive around the lower abdomen, like there was too much pressure there, and then some weird stomach/chest cramps/pains... i decided to just go to the doctor. finally on wednesday i decided to just go to my regular ob-gyn, since it was time for my yearly anyways... so i called and made an appointment for friday.

when i arrived, i felt great... there was no one in the waiting room besides me, so no pregnant bellies to resent deal with... then the nurse called me back to weigh me, etc....

  1. i could someone's baby's heartbeat through the wall/door next to the scale
  2. the nurse was asking me all the usual questions, when was your last period, etc.... then the nurse asked me if this was my first pregnancy -- haha.... nice one lady - but i am not pregnant... (turns out, the stupid woman who made the appointment put me down as a new ob patient)
  3. the nurse made me pee in a cup to do a pregnancy test (even though i told her i'd taken a bunch and they were all negative - doesnt she realize i'm pro at this now, i didn't "do it wrong")
  4. i went back to sit in the waiting room...and for the first time at a doctors office - i had to fight back tears...why did she have to ask me to take another that evil monster "denial" was back, and i was really hoping it'd be positive
  5. the nurse just came back and sat back down...the receptionist asked if is was positive and she just said "hmmm - hmmmm" - as in the no "hmmm - hmmm"....not the yes kind.
  6. then - the woman who was listening to her baby's heart beat while i was being weighed, etc - came out... it was clearly her first ob appointment because she was beaming, and not showing, and was getting all kinds of information etc
  7. so, when i am taken back - they stick me in the ultrasound room... insensitive bastards
  8. when the doctor comes in and i tell her what's happening, basically - she says she's pretty sure i'm not ovulating and again - offered clomid...
  9. when i asked if there was anything else i could take, she said no (even though the voice in my head was screaming metformin)
  10. i told her i wasn't ready for clomid, but couldn't bring myself to question her "authority as a doctor" and ask about metformin
  11. she took blood and prescribed me provera to get my period started (of course i have to wait for my blood test results before I take the provera... just in case)
  12. i cried the whole way home - with the usual, why me - why do i have to struggle, why do i have face all these difficult ethical/faith questions regarding medication, why do "bad" people who clearly shouldn't have children get pregnant at the drop of a hat, etc etc
so, i'm supposed to be getting my test results back today - to find out if i must take the provera or if i am in fact pregnant. 

i am not even sure if i want to take the provera - since this is my first time missing a period.... is it really necessary? yes - this would have been a great question for my doctor, if i wasn't such chicken sh**.

(i also realize that i need to start being more assertive... )

also - i've been getting positive opk's... and yes - pcos can cause false positive opk's... but, there is no real "proof" that i am not ovulating... one missed period does not a non-ovulating woman make....

so - what i'm going to do is find an re and figure out what is going on. i just want to rule out pcos and endometriosis, etc. because i know there are blood tests that can be done to figure out what is happening and of course scans and the such... i am no ready to be completely poked and prodded... but i am ready to find out if i am ovulating or not, and if there is something silly and basic (such as cyst) prohibiting us from getting pregnant...

i'm still trying to decide whether or not to take the provera...

oh - and i'm trying to use other ways to determine if i am ovulating or not, and when...
i am finally charting my basal body temperature (bbt)... and i bought a ovulation scope - which uses saliva to determine if you're ovulating or not - based on the pattern the saliva forms when dried.. if it looks like ferns, you're ovulating.... (dont judge me - it was cheaper than the fertility monitor and doesnt require any test we figured it was worth a shot)

i will explain what both of these methods entail in another post soon.... along with a rant/vent about how people perceive those of us who have to struggle to get pregnant!!

just got my blood work back - not surprise there, so why am i crying?
guess i've got 3 hours to decide whether i'm taking the provera or not...

Monday, April 25, 2011

Testing my patience/faith

today is cd50!

no, that is not a typo, it really is cd50!! now, i realize that not everyone who reads my blog is ttc therefore i will try to be a little clearer with what everything means for my journey...
oh - and by the way... i tested this morning and got my fourth bfn of this ridiculously long cycle...there is now only a 1% chance that the tests are wrong and i am indeed pregnant... it's over.

my usual cycle is 30 days... i used to get af on the same day of every month.... then i was late a couple times, and had a longer cycle - probably because i ovulated late. now i am not quite as regular, but still, 30 day cycles were my norm - with a couple of 40 day cycles thrown in. i'd say about 4 in the last 2 years.

my last cycle was 42 days long. and now... it's cd50 and i'm still waiting for af. i have never had two long cycles in a row.

the most likely cause of this, is late ovulation, or if af doesn't arrive at all - possible no ovulation at all. this is a big problem, because you cannot get pregnant if you're not ovulating!

so now i'm at a bit of a crossroads - what do i do!? someone told me to see my RE the other day... i've heard women in the ttc community mention their re's before...but i'd never really looked up what that meant, i figured it was just a nickname for a doctor...but turns out it is a reproductive endocrinologist. they are ob-gyn's who have gone to school for longer to specialize in fertility.

confession: i do not have an re.

although - i have now looked some up and am debating whether to just go to my regular ob-gyn this week, or to schedule my first appointment with an re. i'm not exactly sure why, but i am nervous about going to an re. i am scared being bullied into a barrage of tests and diagnoses. also - i already know what my ob-gyn is going to do, she'll send me for bloodwork probably, and then put me on clomid (Clomiphene is used to induce ovulation (egg production) in women who do not produce ova (eggs) but wish to become pregnant). she already wanted to put me on it a year ago, and i was ovulating fine on my own, now, i'm not sure.

i am also feeling really uncomfortable and have been feeling this way for a few days - bloated, crampy, my stomach/bowels don't seem to know what to do (upset one minute, blocked up the next)... i have been convinced that af is coming numerous times over the past three days... but nothing yet...

i feel like my body is giving up on me - i hate this.

one of my tweeps retweeted a tweet with the link to this article - great read for those who do not fully understand what to do to help those struggling to get pregnant. we understand that it is difficult to understand and know what to do or say... and i'm sure it can get tiresome hearing the same thing over and over again. believe me, we wish we had different news to share other than news of another failed cycle, or how we're struggling during the two week wait (the time between ovulation and af, when one is going to become either pregnant or not).

i am trying to remember that God is in control and i have nothing to fear... but this 50 day long cycle (and counting) has made it very difficult! i am tired, and worried, and feel like crap.

Monday, April 18, 2011

The Waiting Game

Today is CD43 ....

I took a test on CD39 and it was a BFN! So, I am resigned to the fact that AF is almost definitely going to rear her ugly face!! Of course - there is always that small chance that because I have a super fast metabolism, CD39 was too early for the test to be positive... (Yeah right - we all know that this is probably just another long, weird cycle).

Problem is - my last cycle was 40 days long... this has happened about 3 times in the last year or so... it has never happened on back-to-back cycles. So, I am a little concerned... 40+ day cycles are not normal, are they?

I did use OPK's this month - but was having a difficult time reading them, so I gave up - but I'm pretty sure I detected a surge almost 3 weeks ago... so wouldn't late ovulation be the reason for a long cycle? So, unless I was wrong about my surge... this long cycle is not really normal... is it?

It is that time of the year where I need to go to my ob-gyn anyways - so, as soon as AF arrives, I will make an appointment and ask her about these long cycles... because they've got me a little worried.

So - that is my update... I am in cycle-limbo.... patiently waiting for an answer....

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Old Hope Renewed

First - lets talk about the baby shower...
My new friend was so sweet - she prayed for me before we went into the shower, and was a great source of support throughout. Although - I didn't need a hand to squeeze, or a shoulder to cry on....
It was a very big shower - lots of people!! So, Mom-To-Be pretty much spent the whole shower opening gifts... and because there were so many people... it wasn't the quiet "lets ooh and aah over every gift" type of shower. While she was opening gifts, we were playing games - guess how much string would wrap around her belly, don't say "baby, girl, Mom-To-Be's name, Dad-To-Be's name" or your clothes peg will be taken, and three woman raced to see who could finish a bottle full of juice first - by bottle, I mean - teat and all, of course!

The only twinge of sadness I felt, was when I noticed two newly pregnant women - and people were touching their bellies... that made me remember my situation and I felt a little resentful.jealous.. but really, other than a couple of moments...I actually had fun. Not - jump around and sing type of fun, but, chat and relax fun.

I feel like I've come a long way - considering the moment I opened her baby registry I balled my eyes out!!

So, here's what I have to say to doubt, fear, infertility, BFN's....

now to explain where this "new" attitude comes from.*

a few weeks ago our pastor preached about fear... and the sermon really hit home for me.

i have been reminded of how faithful my God**. when i needed a way out of durban, and then johannesburg, God didn't just bring me here to learn and experience life to its fullest, He introduced me to the man of my dreams. when we realized we should try to buy a house, rather than continue renting, God provided a way... (i am still in awe of how we've been blessed, and still cant believe that we were home owners at 23 years old.) when my friends mother was overcome by a life of addiction, God didnt just answer our prayers to help her turn her life back around, He put people in her life that would help lead her to Him. 

yes - our prayers for a child have still not been answered, there are other prayers too... but, the one thing about all of these acts of God... they happened in His time.... but it's not even about the timing, it's about the fact that He is faithful, He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. 

therefore, what do i have to fear? 

ive realized that the reason why its difficult for me to be around pregnant women, or talk about babies, etc is because i become griped by a fear so strong and so powerful that it threatens to suffocate me and swallow me whole. this fear is a fear that i will never get to experience that - never feel a baby move in my belly... never get to hear my baby's heartbeat... 

one particular blogger, my favorite in fact, mentioned in one of posts that if she just knew...that somewhere down the line she would get pregnant... then it would all be okay ... it wouldnt be so difficult if she just knew that her dream would come true.... 

that's what my faith has given me - i do know that i will get pregnant in the future.... because God hears my prayers and He has been faithful in the past, and i trust that He will be faithful again.

yes... perhaps God's plan for my life does not involve getting pregnant... and if that is the case, He will give me the strength to get through it, and whatever His plan is, will turn out to be so much better and happier than my plan anyways... so i'm okay with that too.
but for now, because i still have this strong desire in my heart, and because God hasnt opened any other doors ...(there is no possible way that we could afford fertility treatments or adoption, so natural conception is our only option at this point) i believe that i will be pregnant.... maybe not this month, or next month, maybe not next year even... but just knowing that my prayers will be answered - is enough for now. this is not all for nothing.

so - there you have it. 
the source of my renewed hope - i named this post old hope renewed, because my hope in God is not new, but it has been renewed, and i have a much deeper, clearer understanding of it now.

of course - BFN's will still suck, and AF will always bring some sadness.... but i do feel like i can be happy again... and i feel stronger and more hopeful than i have in quite some time.

sorry for the long post... and i know that not all of you are spiritual or religious, and i respect that, i just wanted to share what has helped me come to terms with the sadness and fear that "infertility" brings.

baby dust and sticky vibes to all of you! may you be filled with renewed hope too!

*yes - i've decided to give up capitalizing letters...
** yes - that is the one exception to my new no-caps approach to blogging

Monday, April 4, 2011

Tagalong Fun

Because this blog is rather private...I realize that those of you who DO read it, do not know much about me... so after reading my new choc buddy's blog, I decided to join the fun and participate in the 'Tagalong'.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?
I have two dogs, and a cat (who is currently missing...). They are most definitely part of the family!!

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?
To have a large happy family! A family that is close and will remain close even when we are gone... 

3. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Take a year off of work and travel the world! Then come home and buy our dream house! 

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
A hot cup of tea...And snuggle time with my DH!

5. What are your earliest memories?
They're bad ones... involving my dysfunctional family.

6. How did you meet your significant other?
Through mutual friends - who we are no longer friends with! :P But - we flirted over a game of pictionary and the rest is history!

7. What kind of books do you read?
I read all kinds of books - I love James Patterson (who doesn't), I also love Terry Pratchet and Jodi Picoult. I also enjoyed the Twilight books, the Harry Potter books, and the Sookie Stackhouse books. (excuse the spelling - I'm supposed to be doing school I'm being EXTRA lazy... avoiding spell check and correct grammar)

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?
A fun, effective teacher with three or four children, in a comfortable house.

9. What’s your fear?
Snakes... and heights/falling

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space?
I have an extreme fear of heights (or of falling maybe??) so, I don't think so. Also - I really enjoy junk food!!

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Check my email/twitter/facebook.... then....coffeecoffeecoffeecoffee

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be?
I'd give him a new back - he has back problems and it causes him a great deal of pain when it acts up... I hate it, because there is nothing I can do to help -- and... I sometimes feel like I'm married to an 80 year old man, rather than a 25 year old.

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
Abigail ... Abby for short... or something like that with the option of a cool shortened nickname...

14. What are your pet peeves?
I HATE hearing what's going on in other people's mouths... chewing, teeth cleaning... eugh!!

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?
OOooh...that's difficult - I'm not sure I could eat ONE thing for 6 months... I'd get thoroughly bored and sick of it. But, if I HAD to ... I like missohkay's answer - potatoes. (mashed, fries, baked.... some variety)

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?
Feeling like I am normal - connecting with people who feel just like me about certain things.... before I started blogging and getting involved in the IF community, I felt so alone and abnormal.

17. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A teacher (I am now studying to be one).

18. Do you have any recurring dreams?

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go?
Mountains. I enjoy the beach, but get pretty bored of it - and I hate sand, it always seems to get everywhere...

20. What show/movie did you love as a child that, turns out, is really terrible to watch as an adult?
The Spice Girls Movie...okay, maybe I knew it was terrible... let's see if there is anything else... Oh - I like Bad Girls (cow-girl movie) and tried to watch it as an adult... was pretty terrible.

Consider yourself tagged. Enjoy.

P.S: New post about the shower coming soon - when I'm not rushed because I'm actually procrastinating and putting off school work....

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I am ready for this.... aren't I?

So, this Saturday is the baby shower of the mom-to-be half of The Couple.

I am nervous scared terrified!! I believe I am ready for it - I am in a good emotional place in my journey...

I think I am afraid of breaking down.... I do not want to run out of the room crying....

One good aspect of the shower -- a friend is coming with, and although she is related, and good friends, with the mom-to-be, she also understands my situation, and knows that I'm feeling anxious about the shower. So, I will have some moral support - someone's hand to squeeze if I'm feeling like I might lose it...

She is a new friend, and it's kind of ridiculous how excited I am to have a friend!! A real friend!!

Okay - I have many GREAT friends back home - but after living here for five years, I have only made one really good friend, and she left the country to go home; that was four years ago... so it's been a while since I've had a close friend, besides DH.

Back to my new friend - she is literally God-sent. She reached out to me when I was in a really low place, and things just lined up perfectly for our friendship to grow. It's actually even more than that...

I was talking to DH last night - about my new friend... because she made it clear that our friendship means a lot to her too when I told my ladies bible study about my anxiety about the shower (I cried...and hated that I did)... she said that she would be there and if I needed a break, she knows the venue well, and knows where we can go to "dance it off" (we have a common love for dancing, and specifically playing kinect dance games)... The fact that she offered to leave the shower, for me - if I needed a moment away... means so much to me (remember the mom-to-be and her are friends, and related).

Back to my point - I was telling DH how happy I was to finally have a real friend here, and then I realized that it was something I had been longing for and wanted so badly - yet, I hadn't actually prayed about it. So I turned to DH and asked him if he's ever had unprayered prayers answered... and I told him that I've had a few...

First - him... I wasn't really looking for marriage, but real love was something I have wanted my whole life and had never found, and although at first I was scared at the prospect of getting married so quickly... it was an unprayered prayer answered - I had found the man of my dreams - without praying for him.

Then - my new friend. I was lonely, in terms of girl friends, and had tried to make girl friends for years. But, I had never prayed for it.

DH casually says - I prayed for you to find a friend, because I knew how much you wanted it.
He also mentioned a while back how he had prayed for my faith to be restored, because he knew I used to be involved in church, but then left and really wanted nothing to do with church or faith. And now I'm at such a good place in my faith journey - having never known that he was praying for me the whole time!!!

It made me realize how lucky I am to have him in my life - he's more than I could ever have prayed for! Just as my friend is already more than I could have prayed for! God always answers prayers... even if they aren't yours.

I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband. His strong faith never ceases to amaze me! Neither does his grace and love.

I will try to remember these blessings when I am sitting and celebrating someone else's blessing on Saturday.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Let me tell you about my mother-in-law...


First, I just want to say that I love my in-laws, they are very generous and always mean well. They are pretty much all the family I have nearby and they have always been financially supportive of DH and I - which we are forever grateful for!!
Of course, they're not my parents, and therefore there are certain aspects of their personalities that get a little annoying - it's the same with my dad - we don't always get along.
My mother, on the other hand, is very supportive in whatever I want to do or pursue. She is easy to get along with, and really - I don't think there is any character trait I do not like/love in my mother. This is a hard act for my mother-in-law (MIL) to follow.

My MIL is paranoid, anxious, set in her ways, opinionated, and somewhat blunt/brash. This is very different to what I'm used to - also, she comes across as non-supportive because she just says the first thing that comes to mind. She also seems to be afraid of change...

When DH and I decided to try and get pregnant, I told him to tell his mother... he told me that he had, when in fact he hadn't (he knows his mom well I suppose).

After trying for five months, I was 10 days late...I was never late*!! But, home pregnancy tests (HPT) were all negative. So, we went to MIL to ask her advice; should I go get blood drawn or wait?
She knew immediately what we were going to tell her - and started practically yelling "NO! NO! NO! NO!". Here I am - hoping and praying that this is it... and she's freaking out. She was convinced that it wasn't a good time for us to be pregnant - we were busy buying a house ....

When AF arrived the next morning - I was devastated!! It was one of the worst days of my life!! Even though I was not officially pregnant, I thought I was...and so it felt like a loss, not a disappointment. I told DH to phone MIL and tell her. We saw them that night.... all she said to me was - "thank you for letting me know"...and that was that.

Three months later, someone in the family who had just had a baby said to me "'s your turn next"...
My MIL responded with : "NO! Don't say that!" In a very panicked tone.

Sometime after that... we arrived at my in-laws house without our dogs (whom we sometimes take over to visit), and FIL said "I didn't hear the pitter patter of little feet"...and she quickly said "Don't say that!"...

It is clear that she doesn't think we are ready to start a family... but, these little comments tear me up inside and really hurt.
She hasn't said anything recently - but DH and I agreed that if she does, he will let her know that it's inappropriate and she needs to stop.

The other day we were talking about our tax refund and what we're going to do with it - FIL said something in regard to a trip back "home" (to my home country) --- which is something I really want to do because I haven't been "home" to see my family or friends for almost 5 years--- and she said "No! You don't need to do that right now."
Maybe I'm being silly, but that really hurt my feelings...

First off  - who is she to tell us what we should do with our money...
Second - If I were to take her son to another country and he didn't visit her for 5 years, she would be a mess!

Through all of this - and some bible studies and prayer - I have come to understand that we cannot put special expectations on family, just because they're family. They are still people who can be selfish, insensitive, and rude... the only difference is, they are family - so they are around more often and feel that they can be themselves and not worry about being rude.

My in-laws cannot replace my family whom are far away, and they will not fill the void that is left because I can't see and spend time with my family. I just have to accept them for who and what they are.... and be grateful for the support that they do offer!

This can be difficult because I am a people-pleaser. I want to make people happy and I hate not being liked or having people upset with me... but at the end of the day, I cannot let this affect my life or my happiness. So I am choosing to ignore her, and be firm in my belief that her opinion doesn't matter.

Thanks for reading my vent-post!! :)
Take care!

*Now it seems that I am late every third cycle or so! Typical!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I Need a Compass

So - while trying to wade through these murky waters of what some refer to as infertility* (I don't really like to think of myself as infertile) I have been forced to take a closer look at my faith, and what exactly I believe in regard to miracles, God's will, God's blessings, prayer... everything.

From my understanding of faith and our Heavenly Father - we should all pray for God's will to be done in our lives, because His plan is so much greater than our plans. The problem with this, or what makes this difficult, is our free will... and our personal hopes and dreams for our lives. I want to have 2 children before I am 30 years old... but, what if God's plan is different? If it is, what exactly do I pray for- what I want? Or for God's will be done? What if they're not the same?

I suppose it all comes down to trust. We need to trust that God wants the same things we want, and that He truly knows best and knows the desires of our heart.

"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4
" In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will" Ephesians 1:11 

 So... from my understanding... and what I believe...
We are to ask God for the desires of our heart, and He will bless us in His perfect time, according to His plan - and if we are faithful and trust in Him, He will give us our hearts desires...

His plan for our lives may be predestined, but I believe that God also hears our prayers, and will work everything out for the best.

Now, over the next six months, my hearts desire is, of course, to get pregnant - but also to grow closer to God, and be still in His presence and hopefully discern His will for our lives. Do we get tested after six months, what if something is wrong, what if nothing is wrong... what is the direction God wants us to take with the answers to these questions.

I think things are slowly getting clearer...
I pray that I will not need to answer those last two questions... I pray that God would bless us with a family of our own, that this would be a part of His plan, and if not, that He would work it out for the glory of His name and His kingdom... for the purpose of His will. I pray for strength, peace, patience, and direction for today, tomorrow, and the future. 

*"Infertility: The diminished ability or the inability to conceive and have offspring. Infertility is also defined in specific terms as the failure to conceive after a year of regular intercourse without contraception." (According to

Monday, January 31, 2011

Back to the drawing board

Okay... so, after I wrote my previous post...I told DH that I was done...
No more prenatals (just a vitamin that had all the goods, since we were still not going to go on birth control), no more coffee restrictions, no more just in cases....
DH sort of said alright.... knowing that I've said all of this before... I guess he didn't really understand that I was truly done - and trying to come to terms with the fact that we may never have children.
This was Thursday afternoon...

On Friday night I had a complete meltdown (after spending almost 3 hours with a pregnant acquaintance)... it really started when DH said some silly things - he doesn't understand that it's not a choice for me to think about it all the time... I don't choose any of the crazy that comes with TTC for over 2 years....
We had a long talk about why I feel the way I do and about the possibility of getting tested.... etc...

So - it is important to DH (and me, if I'm being honest) to keep trying and to not give up so easily, and to have faith that it will happen if we keep trying.
We decided that we will be giving it our all for 6 more months.... DH will be doing everything I'm doing too - trying to eat and drink right, BD every other day, the whole nine yards...

I think he finally sensed my exasperation and despair with the whole thing. He realized how much he wants a family (ideally 2 kids before we're 30) and how close I am to giving up on that dream...

So - here we go.... 6 months of eating all the fertility boosting foods, yoga, positive thinking, prayer, BD'ing, prenatal vitamins, caffeine restrictions, alcohol restrictions, hot shower restrictions, and who knows -- I may even through some basal temperature reading in there.... maybe!

Wish us luck...
I'm still going to try and find a balance - I realize that when we do fall pregnant and have a baby, many of things I've been trying to find the time to do, will go right out the window for 2+ years.... so we are still going to save for a trip home... and do all the things we love.

Hopefully the next 6 months will be fun...and not completely stress-filled and obsessive.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

At the end of my rope...

So I have two "cycle tracker" apps on my phone... and one of them predicted AF to arrive on Monday.... so obviously when she didn't... it was on my mind.

I didn't feel any weird symptoms or start to "feel" of course - I thought that maybe this was it...

AF arrived last night. (Wednesday night)

Today I feel like I need to just give up. I can talk about my faith till I'm blue in the face - and I really do believe that God's plan is better than mine...but to actually give up my dream of being a young mother...and start to consider the fact that I may actually never have kids.... it's terrifying and heart breaking.

Part of me knows, that even if I stop "trying" ...if I let go of this will always be on my mind.... how can it not be?? (Oh - and according to all the "experts" out there, that is when I will most likely fall pregnant right? When I stop trying.... so of course that will be on my mind too....-- jerks!)

The thing is, I know that if I stop trying.... I am really giving in - because DH and I don't BD (Baby Dance/ Bump Uglies/ Do The Deed) often .... I don't know why - I think we are just lazy.... so, if we are not trying to BD often - chances of us "accidentally" baby dancing at just the right time for conception, are slim to none. Therefore, I feel that if I give up...I really am giving up....

I've had this thought often - who TTC hasn't? But, this time, it's for real. I'm done.... I'm sick of fighting with DH when he's just too tired to BD...I'm sick of feeling heart broken whenever AF arrives ...I'm sick of the 2ww (2 week wait - bet ovulation and AF) and imagining all the what ifs.... I'm sick of watching what I eat and drink - just in case....I'm just sick of waiting.... I'm tired... I am only 24 (almost 25) years old... this is not something I should be spending my time worrying about....

So - I am going to truly try and stop trying. I want to focus on my relationship with DH (which has grown so much already in the past 2 years of TTC)...and maybe we'll reignite that fire within us, which used to lead us to BD multiple times a day!! And then, who knows - maybe it will really happen when we're not trying to try.
I want to spend more time doing the things that I's time for me to get my ass off the couch and start living life!!!! I'm sick to death of being miserable and longing for something that just doesn't seem to be coming my way anytime soon.

The hardest part of all of this...

My family live far away - like oceans away (I don't want to say exactly where, because I want this blog to remain anonymous).... and I have not been back to see them in almost 5 years.... in the past two years, we've been holding out - expecting to have a bundle of joy to take home with us.... what's the point of spending all that money for a trip, if we could have a baby to take over in a year? Because then we wouldn't be able to take baby over for a while - because we'd need to save up again (it is a very expensive trip).

So...if I am truly "giving up"...then we need to start saving and go home for a visit.....
That would be the ultimate gesture to say -
"Hey- God, I really am leaving it all in your hands...I am fully releasing control of my life and my dreams, and trusting in your plan for my life". 

Boy, is that terrifying!!

I'm not sure how many people actually read this - I only know of one...but if there are any more of you out there - please check out my new friend Elphaba's blog here. She is a great blogger and writer--very funny... despite the difficulty of her journey.

Take care

P.S: I hope to not go totally MIA through this.... hopefully I won't.... but please forgive me if I do.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

It's okay to falter...right?

I am having a bad day - I have the worst PMS... which of course means that AF is on her lovely way....

I have also started reading too many IF blogs... so many people move on to IUI or IVF after a short time of TTC.... we've been TTC for 2 years now and I don't want to get tested...I don't want a needle placed in me to inject dye into my lady parts...I know my DH doesn't want to have to go and have "special alone time" with a cup in a doctors office....

Our God is the maker of heaven and earth - He performs miracles every day! I know that if there is something wrong...if it is His will that we get pregnant.... we will get pregnant! He can overcome any medical obstacle! None of those test results will change that! God can do anything!

I truly believe that.... but, sometimes I wonder if I'm just afraid... am I in denial?
More than anything I want a baby...I want to have lots of kids, and I want to start young... my mom was a young mom and I see the relationship she has with my older brothers... I want that!! It's something special when you're only 28-30 years older than your first born.

However, I also know that my plans and dreams and hopes mean nothing.... God's will in my life is what matters. If it's God's will that I only have a baby when I'm 32 years old...then that's what is important. (Gosh that is scary and painful to think about.)

It's not easy to give up your life, your hopes, and dreams to surrender to God's will in your life. But, I don't think it's meant to be easy.

I suppose the important thing to do, is to draw nearer to God and quietly wait to hear His will and direction for my life. If it's His will that I go and get tested... and pursue other options...then so be it....If it's His will that I trust in Him, and wait for His time...then so be it....

I pray that I can remain strong and constantly seek Him out and grow closer to Him, so I can live according to His will.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Did I ask for your advice, or even your opinion?

So, my older brother and his girlfriend (whom I refer to as my SIL) of 15+ years have been toying with the idea of having kids... and I've been urging them to get started already....just in case. I honestly hope and pray that they get pregnant right away without any trouble at all - because they are in their mid-thirties and I wouldn't wish "this" on anyone!! I also feel that I will be ecstatic for them when they do fall pregnant, because it's time for them to start a family and the longer they wait the more complicated things get.

Anyways, during the period of time where I was having major difficulties coping with thinking I'm pregnant, then I'm not, then a couple "close" to us falling pregnant so easily*... etc etc.... I was talking to my SIL a lot and sharing everything with her - I'm very open about it all with my family...not at all with DH family, but that's another story.
Back to my point - she was always very quick to say that I should stop stressing about it.... because of course if we're thinking about it all the time and therefore talking about it all the time, we're stressing about it....
"yeah yeah - if we just stop thinking about it, it'll happen"

Now that they're trying (officially for 2 weeks when we spoke) - she can't stop thinking about it... even though she doesn't want to become all "OCD about it"... I had to laugh...
Really? Now that you're TTC, you can't control your thoughts and you're thinking about it all the time..... try two years of TTC!!!

It amuses me that people think you can just stop thinking about - like it's a switch we can turn off.... and why tell us that exactly? Do you think I want to always be thinking about it? Even when I'm not in the 2ww- over analyzing every hunger pang, urination, headache, weight gain, emotional reaction, heartburn..... - I'm still overly aware of how often we BD, what cycle day we BD on, how hot my showers are, how much caffeine I'm drinking, every pregnant person within a 5 mile radius of me at any given moment (this includes fictional characters on television shows).....
If there is a magical switch I can turn off -- please!! Let me know where it is!! Because I'd LOVE to be able to stop "stressing about it".

If you are not TTC, infertile, or "infertile".... then please do those of us who are a favor, and don't assume that we are happy to obsess... don't tell us to stop trying "because then it'll happen".... just offer a listening ear and some hopeful encouragement - like "good luck, you're in my prayers" not "it'll be your time soon", or "when the time is right".... blah blah blah.... you'll either end up making us very angry, or for those of us with a shred of patience left....just miserable and possibly tearful.

This is in no way about my SIL, because I love her to bits and know that she doesn't know any better... also - I'm still finding that aspect of TTC somewhat easy - to brush off the ignorant (and often insensitive) comments of family - because they mean well, so it doesn't really bother me.

So...rant over....
Hope the start of 2011 has been positive for all of you - if not.... next time AF arrives - have a Big Carl** "on me".

Baby dust to all TTC.

*how dare they, right? 
** Cougartown reference for those who are confused