Friday, December 3, 2010

Another disappointing month

Period cramps and symptoms are uncomfortable annoyances. But for those TTC, they are constant reminders of an empty womb.

This month had it's ups and downs, as most months. It was the first month that we tried ovulation tests... (as I mentioned in my previous post). It was also the first month in a while that DH and I tried to up the baby dancing to every other day... which was supposed to make our chances of conceiving higher - along with the ovulation tests. But, it became a way for me to try and control an uncontrollable situation - the tiny thread of hope that I clung to with my life! Not good.

I lost it a few times... but, after ovulating late I was overcome with this sense of peace and acceptance. I've even been able to listen to songs that I usually avoid like the plague... one in particular that I have never been able to listen to without balling my eyes out - Matthew West's 'Safe and Sound' you can hear it here. I have been so strong... and not by force or anything, just a calm sense of peace and acceptance. Even so, AF rears her ugly head and I want to curl up into a ball and just weep.

It's such a cruel thing - AF brings with it emotions that we can't always control, and when you're TTC, these uncontrollable emotions do not help with the coping.

I have accepted that God's timing is perfect, and one day I will look back at this time, with my baby in my arms (or toddler...bec it may take a while) and realize that my unanswered prayers were a gift and part of a bigger, better plan... (Garth Brook's song helped me to truly understand that... you can hear it here).

However, I still feel sad and disappointed. Especially when I know that The Couple are moving along in their pregnancy and will, understandably, continue to share their excitement... and when I see our two years TTC anniversary coming up... and when I think back to last Christmas and how we said that we would have a baby to share this Christmas with...

Anyways... that's what our month has been like... onto the next one I suppose!
I'm praying for that strength and peace to overcome me once again...

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Deep breaths

Okay, this is my first personal post - which is not a letter to our unborn child of the future....

I don't like to complain about other people, but as anyone who has been TTC for years knows - sometimes it's necessary; in order to hold onto a shred of sanity.

The couple I mentioned in my previous letter is now almost 2.5 months or 3 months along... and it's already very difficult to be around them.
It is super frustrating, because it makes me so sad, among other things... but mostly - I'm jealous! Which is not right, because I know God has a plan for us!

I am currently in CD27 ... I am so grateful for ovulation tests because we used them for the first time this month, and lo and behold - I ovulated a week late... so although I am "three-days-late" for AF... I know that in fact I am due for an AF a week later than I should have been. This will be the third time I am "late" for over a week... so I am super grateful for the tests, because otherwise I'd be dying to POAS!

I wonder why I have ovulated late... the first time was over 18 months ago... and the second time was 3 months ago... (Well, I don't know that I ovulated late those times, but I was 10/14 days late each time and then AF came along).

Anyways... I am not feeling too emotional at the moment. I'm hoping to avoid the AF-meltdown this month. As always - preparing for the worst, but hoping and praying for the best! :)

Baby dust to all those TTC out there! :)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Learning to wait..

Our angel, whom we have yet to "receive" and already love so much,

It has been a difficult journey learning to trust God and wait for you. However, your dad and I have grown so much through this trial! Grown as people, grown in Christ, and grown as a couple. I feel like our relationship has been renewed! It's an awesome place to be, and we are fully aware that God's plan is perfect and his timing is too. I believe we needed to go through this to grow the way that we have and become the people we are today, so that we are better prepared to be parents and raise a child in God.

Our patience, or should I say MY patience was tested a little bit this past week. We have been attending a particular church for over three years now, and in the past year this church received a new pastor. Through the new pastor (although we loved the old one) and through the fellowship of the young adults and a young couple in particular we have grown so much in faith and have rededicated our lives to Christ and are starting to make the changes necessary to truly live in Him. Well, a number of months ago the pastor asked us and this other young couple whether we were planning on having children, and we said that we have been trying, and they said that they want children, just not quite yet.
Well, this past week that couple shared the news that they are expecting their little angel. It was just such a shock that sent me into a bit of a downward spiral. I was having all these horrible feelings and emotions that I knew were wrong, but couldn't control. I prayed continuously for God to help me be happy for them (although I know that I was... but that happiness was buried deep below feelings of jealousy, bitterness, anger, sadness, fear...) and trust in His plan for my life and not compare my journey with this wonderful Godly woman's.

I spoke with my pastor's wife and she prayed with me too and helped me to not feel alone. I am normally strong in my faith that God will bless us when it's His time - the right time, yet every now and then there is a bit of a bump, that causes me to doubt my resilience and my faith a little. However, I feel that I am better prepared for the rest of the journey and I'm excited for it; because I know God will bless us with you!

Your loving, and patient, mom.

Friday, October 1, 2010

October 1, 2010

Dear our much loved, and highly anticipated child,

So, again, I was devastated to find out that you were not ready yet. In this past week I have imagined having you growing in my belly and how you would become a part of our lives. I started imagining what your nursery would look like… what you might think of our two furry kids, and they of you. I tried to stay strong, because everyone told me not to get my hopes up too early, but when no one is looking – I can’t help but fall apart a little. It just feels like you’re an unobtainable dream. 

However, I have begun to realize that I really am not ready to be the mother I want to be. I have many things I need to work on as a person before I can possible raise another person the way I want to.
I want to be the type of mother that guides you to know and love your Savior, Jesus. I want to be patient and enjoy every moment with you – I don’t want to be distracted by insignificant tasks or worry about what other people think of my parenting. I want you to always feel loved and accepted, no matter what. I want to be able to teach you how to make good choices for your life. Most importantly I want to be able to give you the freedom to be the person God leads you to be. 

Until the day God believes I am ready for that momentous and exciting task – I will continue to pray for patience and the strength to become the person I need to be to accomplish it truly. 

Your loving, and hopeful, mother

September 24, 2010

Dear our much loved, and highly anticipated child,

We are so very excited for your arrival – right now you are simply a gleam in mine and your father’s eye, and God is working on His plan for your life. When He is ready, and He knows that we are ready to love and nurture you – we will be blessed with you. Then we’ll have to excitedly wait nine months until you arrive.
I know that this letter is a little early, but, we have been waiting for your pre-arrival-arrival for almost two years now… we cannot wait to love you and plan our lives together. I am currently holding thumbs, and praying endlessly that you have made that pre-arrival-arrival right now…but, we thought you were ready once before already, and it was devastating to find out that in fact you were not. You’re still with God, waiting for the right time to grace us with your presence.
I just pray for patience and understanding, because I am finding myself becoming impatient – I love you so very much already and am so excited to meet you!!

Love, Your Mother