Monday, April 25, 2011

Testing my patience/faith

today is cd50!

no, that is not a typo, it really is cd50!! now, i realize that not everyone who reads my blog is ttc therefore i will try to be a little clearer with what everything means for my journey...
oh - and by the way... i tested this morning and got my fourth bfn of this ridiculously long cycle...there is now only a 1% chance that the tests are wrong and i am indeed pregnant... it's over.

my usual cycle is 30 days... i used to get af on the same day of every month.... then i was late a couple times, and had a longer cycle - probably because i ovulated late. now i am not quite as regular, but still, 30 day cycles were my norm - with a couple of 40 day cycles thrown in. i'd say about 4 in the last 2 years.

my last cycle was 42 days long. and now... it's cd50 and i'm still waiting for af. i have never had two long cycles in a row.

the most likely cause of this, is late ovulation, or if af doesn't arrive at all - possible no ovulation at all. this is a big problem, because you cannot get pregnant if you're not ovulating!

so now i'm at a bit of a crossroads - what do i do!? someone told me to see my RE the other day... i've heard women in the ttc community mention their re's before...but i'd never really looked up what that meant, i figured it was just a nickname for a doctor...but turns out it is a reproductive endocrinologist. they are ob-gyn's who have gone to school for longer to specialize in fertility.

confession: i do not have an re.

although - i have now looked some up and am debating whether to just go to my regular ob-gyn this week, or to schedule my first appointment with an re. i'm not exactly sure why, but i am nervous about going to an re. i am scared being bullied into a barrage of tests and diagnoses. also - i already know what my ob-gyn is going to do, she'll send me for bloodwork probably, and then put me on clomid (Clomiphene is used to induce ovulation (egg production) in women who do not produce ova (eggs) but wish to become pregnant). she already wanted to put me on it a year ago, and i was ovulating fine on my own, now, i'm not sure.

i am also feeling really uncomfortable and have been feeling this way for a few days - bloated, crampy, my stomach/bowels don't seem to know what to do (upset one minute, blocked up the next)... i have been convinced that af is coming numerous times over the past three days... but nothing yet...

i feel like my body is giving up on me - i hate this.

one of my tweeps retweeted a tweet with the link to this article - great read for those who do not fully understand what to do to help those struggling to get pregnant. we understand that it is difficult to understand and know what to do or say... and i'm sure it can get tiresome hearing the same thing over and over again. believe me, we wish we had different news to share other than news of another failed cycle, or how we're struggling during the two week wait (the time between ovulation and af, when one is going to become either pregnant or not).

i am trying to remember that God is in control and i have nothing to fear... but this 50 day long cycle (and counting) has made it very difficult! i am tired, and worried, and feel like crap.

Monday, April 18, 2011

The Waiting Game

Today is CD43 ....

I took a test on CD39 and it was a BFN! So, I am resigned to the fact that AF is almost definitely going to rear her ugly face!! Of course - there is always that small chance that because I have a super fast metabolism, CD39 was too early for the test to be positive... (Yeah right - we all know that this is probably just another long, weird cycle).

Problem is - my last cycle was 40 days long... this has happened about 3 times in the last year or so... it has never happened on back-to-back cycles. So, I am a little concerned... 40+ day cycles are not normal, are they?

I did use OPK's this month - but was having a difficult time reading them, so I gave up - but I'm pretty sure I detected a surge almost 3 weeks ago... so wouldn't late ovulation be the reason for a long cycle? So, unless I was wrong about my surge... this long cycle is not really normal... is it?

It is that time of the year where I need to go to my ob-gyn anyways - so, as soon as AF arrives, I will make an appointment and ask her about these long cycles... because they've got me a little worried.

So - that is my update... I am in cycle-limbo.... patiently waiting for an answer....

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Old Hope Renewed

First - lets talk about the baby shower...
My new friend was so sweet - she prayed for me before we went into the shower, and was a great source of support throughout. Although - I didn't need a hand to squeeze, or a shoulder to cry on....
It was a very big shower - lots of people!! So, Mom-To-Be pretty much spent the whole shower opening gifts... and because there were so many people... it wasn't the quiet "lets ooh and aah over every gift" type of shower. While she was opening gifts, we were playing games - guess how much string would wrap around her belly, don't say "baby, girl, Mom-To-Be's name, Dad-To-Be's name" or your clothes peg will be taken, and three woman raced to see who could finish a bottle full of juice first - by bottle, I mean - teat and all, of course!

The only twinge of sadness I felt, was when I noticed two newly pregnant women - and people were touching their bellies... that made me remember my situation and I felt a little resentful.jealous.. but really, other than a couple of moments...I actually had fun. Not - jump around and sing type of fun, but, chat and relax fun.

I feel like I've come a long way - considering the moment I opened her baby registry I balled my eyes out!!

So, here's what I have to say to doubt, fear, infertility, BFN's....

now to explain where this "new" attitude comes from.*

a few weeks ago our pastor preached about fear... and the sermon really hit home for me.

i have been reminded of how faithful my God**. when i needed a way out of durban, and then johannesburg, God didn't just bring me here to learn and experience life to its fullest, He introduced me to the man of my dreams. when we realized we should try to buy a house, rather than continue renting, God provided a way... (i am still in awe of how we've been blessed, and still cant believe that we were home owners at 23 years old.) when my friends mother was overcome by a life of addiction, God didnt just answer our prayers to help her turn her life back around, He put people in her life that would help lead her to Him. 

yes - our prayers for a child have still not been answered, there are other prayers too... but, the one thing about all of these acts of God... they happened in His time.... but it's not even about the timing, it's about the fact that He is faithful, He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. 

therefore, what do i have to fear? 

ive realized that the reason why its difficult for me to be around pregnant women, or talk about babies, etc is because i become griped by a fear so strong and so powerful that it threatens to suffocate me and swallow me whole. this fear is a fear that i will never get to experience that - never feel a baby move in my belly... never get to hear my baby's heartbeat... 

one particular blogger, my favorite in fact, mentioned in one of posts that if she just knew...that somewhere down the line she would get pregnant... then it would all be okay ... it wouldnt be so difficult if she just knew that her dream would come true.... 

that's what my faith has given me - i do know that i will get pregnant in the future.... because God hears my prayers and He has been faithful in the past, and i trust that He will be faithful again.

yes... perhaps God's plan for my life does not involve getting pregnant... and if that is the case, He will give me the strength to get through it, and whatever His plan is, will turn out to be so much better and happier than my plan anyways... so i'm okay with that too.
but for now, because i still have this strong desire in my heart, and because God hasnt opened any other doors ...(there is no possible way that we could afford fertility treatments or adoption, so natural conception is our only option at this point) i believe that i will be pregnant.... maybe not this month, or next month, maybe not next year even... but just knowing that my prayers will be answered - is enough for now. this is not all for nothing.

so - there you have it. 
the source of my renewed hope - i named this post old hope renewed, because my hope in God is not new, but it has been renewed, and i have a much deeper, clearer understanding of it now.

of course - BFN's will still suck, and AF will always bring some sadness.... but i do feel like i can be happy again... and i feel stronger and more hopeful than i have in quite some time.

sorry for the long post... and i know that not all of you are spiritual or religious, and i respect that, i just wanted to share what has helped me come to terms with the sadness and fear that "infertility" brings.

baby dust and sticky vibes to all of you! may you be filled with renewed hope too!

*yes - i've decided to give up capitalizing letters...
** yes - that is the one exception to my new no-caps approach to blogging

Monday, April 4, 2011

Tagalong Fun

Because this blog is rather private...I realize that those of you who DO read it, do not know much about me... so after reading my new choc buddy's blog, I decided to join the fun and participate in the 'Tagalong'.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?
I have two dogs, and a cat (who is currently missing...). They are most definitely part of the family!!

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?
To have a large happy family! A family that is close and will remain close even when we are gone... 

3. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Take a year off of work and travel the world! Then come home and buy our dream house! 

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
A hot cup of tea...And snuggle time with my DH!

5. What are your earliest memories?
They're bad ones... involving my dysfunctional family.

6. How did you meet your significant other?
Through mutual friends - who we are no longer friends with! :P But - we flirted over a game of pictionary and the rest is history!

7. What kind of books do you read?
I read all kinds of books - I love James Patterson (who doesn't), I also love Terry Pratchet and Jodi Picoult. I also enjoyed the Twilight books, the Harry Potter books, and the Sookie Stackhouse books. (excuse the spelling - I'm supposed to be doing school I'm being EXTRA lazy... avoiding spell check and correct grammar)

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?
A fun, effective teacher with three or four children, in a comfortable house.

9. What’s your fear?
Snakes... and heights/falling

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space?
I have an extreme fear of heights (or of falling maybe??) so, I don't think so. Also - I really enjoy junk food!!

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Check my email/twitter/facebook.... then....coffeecoffeecoffeecoffee

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be?
I'd give him a new back - he has back problems and it causes him a great deal of pain when it acts up... I hate it, because there is nothing I can do to help -- and... I sometimes feel like I'm married to an 80 year old man, rather than a 25 year old.

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
Abigail ... Abby for short... or something like that with the option of a cool shortened nickname...

14. What are your pet peeves?
I HATE hearing what's going on in other people's mouths... chewing, teeth cleaning... eugh!!

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?
OOooh...that's difficult - I'm not sure I could eat ONE thing for 6 months... I'd get thoroughly bored and sick of it. But, if I HAD to ... I like missohkay's answer - potatoes. (mashed, fries, baked.... some variety)

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?
Feeling like I am normal - connecting with people who feel just like me about certain things.... before I started blogging and getting involved in the IF community, I felt so alone and abnormal.

17. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A teacher (I am now studying to be one).

18. Do you have any recurring dreams?

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go?
Mountains. I enjoy the beach, but get pretty bored of it - and I hate sand, it always seems to get everywhere...

20. What show/movie did you love as a child that, turns out, is really terrible to watch as an adult?
The Spice Girls Movie...okay, maybe I knew it was terrible... let's see if there is anything else... Oh - I like Bad Girls (cow-girl movie) and tried to watch it as an adult... was pretty terrible.

Consider yourself tagged. Enjoy.

P.S: New post about the shower coming soon - when I'm not rushed because I'm actually procrastinating and putting off school work....