Period cramps and symptoms are uncomfortable annoyances. But for those TTC, they are constant reminders of an empty womb.
This month had it's ups and downs, as most months. It was the first month that we tried ovulation tests... (as I mentioned in my previous post). It was also the first month in a while that DH and I tried to up the baby dancing to every other day... which was supposed to make our chances of conceiving higher - along with the ovulation tests. But, it became a way for me to try and control an uncontrollable situation - the tiny thread of hope that I clung to with my life! Not good.
I lost it a few times... but, after ovulating late I was overcome with this sense of peace and acceptance. I've even been able to listen to songs that I usually avoid like the plague... one in particular that I have never been able to listen to without balling my eyes out - Matthew West's 'Safe and Sound' you can hear it here. I have been so strong... and not by force or anything, just a calm sense of peace and acceptance. Even so, AF rears her ugly head and I want to curl up into a ball and just weep.
It's such a cruel thing - AF brings with it emotions that we can't always control, and when you're TTC, these uncontrollable emotions do not help with the coping.
I have accepted that God's timing is perfect, and one day I will look back at this time, with my baby in my arms (or toddler...bec it may take a while) and realize that my unanswered prayers were a gift and part of a bigger, better plan... (Garth Brook's song helped me to truly understand that... you can hear it here).
However, I still feel sad and disappointed. Especially when I know that The Couple are moving along in their pregnancy and will, understandably, continue to share their excitement... and when I see our two years TTC anniversary coming up... and when I think back to last Christmas and how we said that we would have a baby to share this Christmas with...
Anyways... that's what our month has been like... onto the next one I suppose!
I'm praying for that strength and peace to overcome me once again...