Thursday, January 27, 2011

At the end of my rope...

So I have two "cycle tracker" apps on my phone... and one of them predicted AF to arrive on Monday.... so obviously when she didn't... it was on my mind.

I didn't feel any weird symptoms or start to "feel" of course - I thought that maybe this was it...

AF arrived last night. (Wednesday night)

Today I feel like I need to just give up. I can talk about my faith till I'm blue in the face - and I really do believe that God's plan is better than mine...but to actually give up my dream of being a young mother...and start to consider the fact that I may actually never have kids.... it's terrifying and heart breaking.

Part of me knows, that even if I stop "trying" ...if I let go of this will always be on my mind.... how can it not be?? (Oh - and according to all the "experts" out there, that is when I will most likely fall pregnant right? When I stop trying.... so of course that will be on my mind too....-- jerks!)

The thing is, I know that if I stop trying.... I am really giving in - because DH and I don't BD (Baby Dance/ Bump Uglies/ Do The Deed) often .... I don't know why - I think we are just lazy.... so, if we are not trying to BD often - chances of us "accidentally" baby dancing at just the right time for conception, are slim to none. Therefore, I feel that if I give up...I really am giving up....

I've had this thought often - who TTC hasn't? But, this time, it's for real. I'm done.... I'm sick of fighting with DH when he's just too tired to BD...I'm sick of feeling heart broken whenever AF arrives ...I'm sick of the 2ww (2 week wait - bet ovulation and AF) and imagining all the what ifs.... I'm sick of watching what I eat and drink - just in case....I'm just sick of waiting.... I'm tired... I am only 24 (almost 25) years old... this is not something I should be spending my time worrying about....

So - I am going to truly try and stop trying. I want to focus on my relationship with DH (which has grown so much already in the past 2 years of TTC)...and maybe we'll reignite that fire within us, which used to lead us to BD multiple times a day!! And then, who knows - maybe it will really happen when we're not trying to try.
I want to spend more time doing the things that I's time for me to get my ass off the couch and start living life!!!! I'm sick to death of being miserable and longing for something that just doesn't seem to be coming my way anytime soon.

The hardest part of all of this...

My family live far away - like oceans away (I don't want to say exactly where, because I want this blog to remain anonymous).... and I have not been back to see them in almost 5 years.... in the past two years, we've been holding out - expecting to have a bundle of joy to take home with us.... what's the point of spending all that money for a trip, if we could have a baby to take over in a year? Because then we wouldn't be able to take baby over for a while - because we'd need to save up again (it is a very expensive trip).

So...if I am truly "giving up"...then we need to start saving and go home for a visit.....
That would be the ultimate gesture to say -
"Hey- God, I really am leaving it all in your hands...I am fully releasing control of my life and my dreams, and trusting in your plan for my life". 

Boy, is that terrifying!!

I'm not sure how many people actually read this - I only know of one...but if there are any more of you out there - please check out my new friend Elphaba's blog here. She is a great blogger and writer--very funny... despite the difficulty of her journey.

Take care

P.S: I hope to not go totally MIA through this.... hopefully I won't.... but please forgive me if I do.

1 comment:

  1. Oh hun, that's a brave and difficult decision to make but I think it's a great one for you. You ARE young (even if you don't feel it) and should be having more fun. Go see your family and stop putting your life on hold. Hugs to you.