Monday, April 25, 2011

Testing my patience/faith

today is cd50!

no, that is not a typo, it really is cd50!! now, i realize that not everyone who reads my blog is ttc therefore i will try to be a little clearer with what everything means for my journey...
oh - and by the way... i tested this morning and got my fourth bfn of this ridiculously long cycle...there is now only a 1% chance that the tests are wrong and i am indeed pregnant... it's over.

my usual cycle is 30 days... i used to get af on the same day of every month.... then i was late a couple times, and had a longer cycle - probably because i ovulated late. now i am not quite as regular, but still, 30 day cycles were my norm - with a couple of 40 day cycles thrown in. i'd say about 4 in the last 2 years.

my last cycle was 42 days long. and now... it's cd50 and i'm still waiting for af. i have never had two long cycles in a row.

the most likely cause of this, is late ovulation, or if af doesn't arrive at all - possible no ovulation at all. this is a big problem, because you cannot get pregnant if you're not ovulating!

so now i'm at a bit of a crossroads - what do i do!? someone told me to see my RE the other day... i've heard women in the ttc community mention their re's before...but i'd never really looked up what that meant, i figured it was just a nickname for a doctor...but turns out it is a reproductive endocrinologist. they are ob-gyn's who have gone to school for longer to specialize in fertility.

confession: i do not have an re.

although - i have now looked some up and am debating whether to just go to my regular ob-gyn this week, or to schedule my first appointment with an re. i'm not exactly sure why, but i am nervous about going to an re. i am scared being bullied into a barrage of tests and diagnoses. also - i already know what my ob-gyn is going to do, she'll send me for bloodwork probably, and then put me on clomid (Clomiphene is used to induce ovulation (egg production) in women who do not produce ova (eggs) but wish to become pregnant). she already wanted to put me on it a year ago, and i was ovulating fine on my own, now, i'm not sure.

i am also feeling really uncomfortable and have been feeling this way for a few days - bloated, crampy, my stomach/bowels don't seem to know what to do (upset one minute, blocked up the next)... i have been convinced that af is coming numerous times over the past three days... but nothing yet...

i feel like my body is giving up on me - i hate this.

one of my tweeps retweeted a tweet with the link to this article - great read for those who do not fully understand what to do to help those struggling to get pregnant. we understand that it is difficult to understand and know what to do or say... and i'm sure it can get tiresome hearing the same thing over and over again. believe me, we wish we had different news to share other than news of another failed cycle, or how we're struggling during the two week wait (the time between ovulation and af, when one is going to become either pregnant or not).

i am trying to remember that God is in control and i have nothing to fear... but this 50 day long cycle (and counting) has made it very difficult! i am tired, and worried, and feel like crap.


  1. I wrote a whole comment out and the web ate it so I am going to try this again. :-)

    This is Nikki from twitter. It sounds like you may have some mild PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) going on. I saw an RE last year and he jumped straight to IUI's with us without even doing any blood work. After two unsuccessful months (with awesome sperm and great reaction on clomid with 6 follicles) I decided to take a break for a new job. I started seeing a different OB and she did some bloodwork and found that I have mild PCOS. It didn't affect my cycle but my hormones were out of whack. I also have hypothyroid. I started taking metformin and some thyroid medicine to get my hormones under control.

    It may just be a case of needing metformin to get your cycle in balance. If you still aren't ovulating on your own then they many want to add clomid. We decided against clomid since I reacted so well to it. I was worried about over stimulation and the possibilities of multiples. Plus I didn't like how it affected my lining. Femara is an option you can talk to with the RE or the OB. It can help with ovulation without the side effect of hurting your lining like clomid does.

    Vitex/Chasteberry and Vitamin B-6 (50 mg a day) are also suggestions I have seen for natural remedies for PCOS. I hope that helps.

  2. I agree with Nikki.

    While I agree that seeing an RE is scary - remember you are in control and don't have to do what they are suggesting but as you say if you aren't ovulating then you aren't going to get pregnant. Finding out if you are having anovulatory cycles would be a good first step in mapping out your fertility and figuring out what your plan of action should be. Many OB think clomid is the solution to everything but actually running some tests could show that clomid may or may not do anything at for you.

    Good luck my friend - thinking of you!