Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Old Hope Renewed

First - lets talk about the baby shower...
My new friend was so sweet - she prayed for me before we went into the shower, and was a great source of support throughout. Although - I didn't need a hand to squeeze, or a shoulder to cry on....
It was a very big shower - lots of people!! So, Mom-To-Be pretty much spent the whole shower opening gifts... and because there were so many people... it wasn't the quiet "lets ooh and aah over every gift" type of shower. While she was opening gifts, we were playing games - guess how much string would wrap around her belly, don't say "baby, girl, Mom-To-Be's name, Dad-To-Be's name" or your clothes peg will be taken, and three woman raced to see who could finish a bottle full of juice first - by bottle, I mean - teat and all, of course!

The only twinge of sadness I felt, was when I noticed two newly pregnant women - and people were touching their bellies... that made me remember my situation and I felt a little resentful.jealous.. but really, other than a couple of moments...I actually had fun. Not - jump around and sing type of fun, but, chat and relax fun.

I feel like I've come a long way - considering the moment I opened her baby registry I balled my eyes out!!

So, here's what I have to say to doubt, fear, infertility, BFN's....

now to explain where this "new" attitude comes from.*

a few weeks ago our pastor preached about fear... and the sermon really hit home for me.

i have been reminded of how faithful my God**. when i needed a way out of durban, and then johannesburg, God didn't just bring me here to learn and experience life to its fullest, He introduced me to the man of my dreams. when we realized we should try to buy a house, rather than continue renting, God provided a way... (i am still in awe of how we've been blessed, and still cant believe that we were home owners at 23 years old.) when my friends mother was overcome by a life of addiction, God didnt just answer our prayers to help her turn her life back around, He put people in her life that would help lead her to Him. 

yes - our prayers for a child have still not been answered, there are other prayers too... but, the one thing about all of these acts of God... they happened in His time.... but it's not even about the timing, it's about the fact that He is faithful, He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. 

therefore, what do i have to fear? 

ive realized that the reason why its difficult for me to be around pregnant women, or talk about babies, etc is because i become griped by a fear so strong and so powerful that it threatens to suffocate me and swallow me whole. this fear is a fear that i will never get to experience that - never feel a baby move in my belly... never get to hear my baby's heartbeat... 

one particular blogger, my favorite in fact, mentioned in one of posts that if she just knew...that somewhere down the line she would get pregnant... then it would all be okay ... it wouldnt be so difficult if she just knew that her dream would come true.... 

that's what my faith has given me - i do know that i will get pregnant in the future.... because God hears my prayers and He has been faithful in the past, and i trust that He will be faithful again.

yes... perhaps God's plan for my life does not involve getting pregnant... and if that is the case, He will give me the strength to get through it, and whatever His plan is, will turn out to be so much better and happier than my plan anyways... so i'm okay with that too.
but for now, because i still have this strong desire in my heart, and because God hasnt opened any other doors ...(there is no possible way that we could afford fertility treatments or adoption, so natural conception is our only option at this point) i believe that i will be pregnant.... maybe not this month, or next month, maybe not next year even... but just knowing that my prayers will be answered - is enough for now. this is not all for nothing.

so - there you have it. 
the source of my renewed hope - i named this post old hope renewed, because my hope in God is not new, but it has been renewed, and i have a much deeper, clearer understanding of it now.

of course - BFN's will still suck, and AF will always bring some sadness.... but i do feel like i can be happy again... and i feel stronger and more hopeful than i have in quite some time.

sorry for the long post... and i know that not all of you are spiritual or religious, and i respect that, i just wanted to share what has helped me come to terms with the sadness and fear that "infertility" brings.

baby dust and sticky vibes to all of you! may you be filled with renewed hope too!

*yes - i've decided to give up capitalizing letters...
** yes - that is the one exception to my new no-caps approach to blogging


  1. Recently my pastor gave a sermon about contentment and said "I believe you can even be content in grief." Funny how it sometimes seems like the message is intended just for you!

  2. I love this post. Thank you so much for your faith and your strength. I always cheer up at your enthusiasm. You are one of MY favorites. :) God bless you. I'm praying for you!