Our Next Step

CD4

okay...now that i've gotten that vent post out of my system, i figure it's time to fill you in on where we are at right now...

a friend of mine gave me some material to read, from when she was studying -- it was an article about barren women in the Bible... it was really interesting and talks about how the male heroes in the bible were often conceived by barren women who went through similar journeys to conception.

the most important aspect of this article to me, was the fact that every one of these women took action -- they did not just sit back and say "God will take care of it"... they did petition God and get upset and plead and asked Him to remember them and bless them, etc... but they also took action and fought to have children. Many of them used surrogates (their maidservants)... and one in particular even tried mandrakes (which was considered medicinal in those days)...

so.. this helped me to decide that i can not just sit back and do nothing anymore... i need to take action -- my fear of disappointing God, or making the wrong choice is causing me to not act at all... and after reading the article, i feel that this is not the wrong choice anymore... and the worst case scenario is that i am making a mistake and perhaps this is not what God wants for me - but i know that God will make it right anyway, he will work it out for His glory... and He's not going to stop loving me if i make a mistake - my past has proven this - He is faithful!!

so... i called my obgyn on monday and she sent the prescription through, and i began clo.mid yesterday (on CD3)... 50mg for 5 days for two cycles (hopefully i'll only need it for one)... and then 100mg for another cycle... (again...hopefully we won't get to the third cycle)....

i have also decided that if we do get to that third cycle - i will go and see an re.... just to take a look at my insides and make sure nothing is blocked up or in the wrong place or anything like that... if everything looks good... i may try to convince dh to get his "army" checked out.... and if everything still looks good - i think we'll try clo.mid for another couple cycles and perhaps get blood work done throughout to gain some insight too...

iui and ivf are out of the question for us - we cannot afford $10,000 per attempt....

so...although we are using medication, we are still putting our hope and trust in God... He is always in control...

i am secretly hoping for twins (because on clo.mid there is a chance of twins or triplets, because it increases ovulation).... but feel that it is a little greedy... of course, i will be overly ecstatic with just one healthy egg/follicle/embryo/baby....

i came across this video on a blog i was looking over, and it had me balling.... not even for myself, but for all those around the world struggling with infertility, multiple pregnancy losses, physically not being able to have children, etc.... it breaks my heart, because i know the pain i feel, and it cannot compare to what some women and couples are going through....

warning: if you watch the video - be sure to have tissues handy...

so - please pray for us.... i am hoping and praying that clo.mid will "do the trick"... especially since i did not ovulate (we believe) last cycle...perhaps ovulating has been the issue the whole time!?