Monday, May 2, 2011

Seeing my doctor

last week was really weird for me - looking back, i feel like i was on auto-pilot the whole time! i had three social "outings" - a ladies bible study, a trip with a friend to get ice-cream, and a bridal shower... but i couldn't quite participate at 100%... and i left all three of them feeling kinda empty... except the bible study, although i wasn't really participating, i did tell them about my current cycle debacle, and a few of the girls offered to go with me to the doctor to help me stand up for myself and not feel bullied - which i appreciated so much i can't even begin to explain!

anyways - because i was feeling bloated, sensitive around the lower abdomen, like there was too much pressure there, and then some weird stomach/chest cramps/pains... i decided to just go to the doctor. finally on wednesday i decided to just go to my regular ob-gyn, since it was time for my yearly anyways... so i called and made an appointment for friday.

when i arrived, i felt great... there was no one in the waiting room besides me, so no pregnant bellies to resent deal with... then the nurse called me back to weigh me, etc....

  1. i could someone's baby's heartbeat through the wall/door next to the scale
  2. the nurse was asking me all the usual questions, when was your last period, etc.... then the nurse asked me if this was my first pregnancy -- haha.... nice one lady - but i am not pregnant... (turns out, the stupid woman who made the appointment put me down as a new ob patient)
  3. the nurse made me pee in a cup to do a pregnancy test (even though i told her i'd taken a bunch and they were all negative - doesnt she realize i'm pro at this now, i didn't "do it wrong")
  4. i went back to sit in the waiting room...and for the first time at a doctors office - i had to fight back tears...why did she have to ask me to take another that evil monster "denial" was back, and i was really hoping it'd be positive
  5. the nurse just came back and sat back down...the receptionist asked if is was positive and she just said "hmmm - hmmmm" - as in the no "hmmm - hmmm"....not the yes kind.
  6. then - the woman who was listening to her baby's heart beat while i was being weighed, etc - came out... it was clearly her first ob appointment because she was beaming, and not showing, and was getting all kinds of information etc
  7. so, when i am taken back - they stick me in the ultrasound room... insensitive bastards
  8. when the doctor comes in and i tell her what's happening, basically - she says she's pretty sure i'm not ovulating and again - offered clomid...
  9. when i asked if there was anything else i could take, she said no (even though the voice in my head was screaming metformin)
  10. i told her i wasn't ready for clomid, but couldn't bring myself to question her "authority as a doctor" and ask about metformin
  11. she took blood and prescribed me provera to get my period started (of course i have to wait for my blood test results before I take the provera... just in case)
  12. i cried the whole way home - with the usual, why me - why do i have to struggle, why do i have face all these difficult ethical/faith questions regarding medication, why do "bad" people who clearly shouldn't have children get pregnant at the drop of a hat, etc etc
so, i'm supposed to be getting my test results back today - to find out if i must take the provera or if i am in fact pregnant. 

i am not even sure if i want to take the provera - since this is my first time missing a period.... is it really necessary? yes - this would have been a great question for my doctor, if i wasn't such chicken sh**.

(i also realize that i need to start being more assertive... )

also - i've been getting positive opk's... and yes - pcos can cause false positive opk's... but, there is no real "proof" that i am not ovulating... one missed period does not a non-ovulating woman make....

so - what i'm going to do is find an re and figure out what is going on. i just want to rule out pcos and endometriosis, etc. because i know there are blood tests that can be done to figure out what is happening and of course scans and the such... i am no ready to be completely poked and prodded... but i am ready to find out if i am ovulating or not, and if there is something silly and basic (such as cyst) prohibiting us from getting pregnant...

i'm still trying to decide whether or not to take the provera...

oh - and i'm trying to use other ways to determine if i am ovulating or not, and when...
i am finally charting my basal body temperature (bbt)... and i bought a ovulation scope - which uses saliva to determine if you're ovulating or not - based on the pattern the saliva forms when dried.. if it looks like ferns, you're ovulating.... (dont judge me - it was cheaper than the fertility monitor and doesnt require any test we figured it was worth a shot)

i will explain what both of these methods entail in another post soon.... along with a rant/vent about how people perceive those of us who have to struggle to get pregnant!!

just got my blood work back - not surprise there, so why am i crying?
guess i've got 3 hours to decide whether i'm taking the provera or not...


  1. I'm sorry it was a frustrating visit. I chicken out of asking my doctor things all the time- don't beat yourself up about it. If this doc doesn't seem right, try try again!

  2. h sweet girl I wish I could give you a great big hug right now. I am so sorry you had such a frustrating day. I loathe it when doctors push their "just-in-case-you're-pregnant-because-you-never-know" pregnancy tests on you with their "oh you silly little girl" smiles on their faces as if you couldn't possibly know.

    Are there any other doctors in your area that you might be able to talk to? At my first OB appt, they rushed me through the exam, prescribed me clomid, and sent me on my way. I had to come home and google it to even find out what it was. I should never have had to do that. Now when I go to the doctor, I have a list of questions that I hand over to him and he takes the time to answer all of them - he expects it from me and is always ready to spend some time just talking to me.

    Don't be afraid. This is your body and your future and it is your doctor's job to help you make the most of it. You deserve to know every single option you have, and you need a doctor who wants you to understand those options and who is prepared to do what YOU want to do.

    I am pulling for you and praying for you every single day. Great big hugs and lots of love! ~Carrie-Anne